From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, December 05, 1998 2:00 AM To: harter.douglas@dep.state.pa.us Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Dec 1998 to 5 Dec 1998 There are 11 messages totalling 677 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Encounters 2. Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar 3. Assorted Smiles (some mature) 4. Restroom Door 5. 'Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieter's Version 6. Weird Business News #10 (2nd of 3) 7. Internet Outage *wink, wink* 8. insurance 9. Saint Peter (Pun) 10. Money 11. 12 days of Christmas ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 03:04:11 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Encounters * When we first moved to Glenelg Maryland I was really quite impressed with the locals. Everywhere I went, it was "Howdy Neighbor"... that is until I walked into the local bank to cash a check, then, it was "Good Morning Stranger." - - - - - * When my daughter, Sandy, was quite young we stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up Mrs JimJr. She wasn't quite ready, so we sat down and waited. Without any warning, Sandy goes over to Mrs JimJr's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand ?" - - - - - * A lil' Yuppette was picked-up in a bar by an artist who took her to his condo to show her his paintings. The next day a friend asked her how it went. "Not quite as I expected." the Yuppette replied. "He sold me $250 worth of his paintings." - - - - - * I was interviewing college students for the State Highway to set-up and run our new CAD system. A candidate from Vassar submitted her resume, complete with an attached genealogical chart. I told her that while her ancestry was indeed quite impressive, we were interested in hiring someone to run the new CAD system, not breed. - - - - - * Shopping for an upgrade, the perky lil' salesgirl seemed very intent on me trying an Apple, instead of a PC. As she extolled the virtues of the machine, I happened to glance down at her name-tag. When I saw her name was "Eve", I beat a hasty retreat from the store. I mean ain't no way I was gonna be held responsible for starting THAT all over again. - - - - - * A stuffy old dowager was explaining to the Jewish florist how she wanted the flowers arranged at the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) meeting to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence. "Actually," she said, "one of my ancestors was present at the presentation of the document to the Congress." "How very nice." replied the florist. "One of my mine was present at the presentation of the Ten Commandments to the world." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 06:01:03 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '95 December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 07:24:28 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Assorted Smiles (some mature) A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answers Juan to which the guard replies, "We'll just see about that..." The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand. Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens, Juan approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?" and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border. This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something... It's been driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Let There Be Peace A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I use to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." he kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Australian Entrepreneurs Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 09:33:53 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Restroom Door THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID GENTLEMEN (Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen") Author: unknown The restroom door said "Gentleman" And so I walked inside, I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride, I heard high voices, turned and found the place was occupied, By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse, What could be worse Than two old nuns, three old ladies and a nurse... The restroom door said "gentlemen" It must have been a gag, As soon as I walked in there I saw an old hag, She sprayed me with a can of mace And slapped me with her bag, I could tell this just wouldn't be my day, What can I say? This just wasn't turning out to be my day... The restroom door said "gentlemen" And I would like to find, That crummy little creep Who had the nerve to switch the sign, 'Cause I have two black eyes And one big bruise on my behind, So I can't sit with comfort and joy Boy, oh boy, No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy. ***************************************** Only 20 more shoplifting days 'til Christmas. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 10:15:25 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: 'Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieter's Version 'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there. While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below. When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick. The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox. From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess. My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by. And I mumbled again as I turned for the night In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite! ----------------------------------- And, from Barb & Joel, Murphy & Edgrr Kent, WA: One more reason Santa has to be a man: No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year. Happy Holidays to one and all! http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 11:07:24 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Weird Business News #10 (2nd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Military keeps going and going ... Our Longest Reach for a Tie-In Award to Battery Council International for the following news release headline: "Lead-acid batteries behind the scenes in Middle East Military Standoff. Because lead batteries are at work, planes and ships are ready for combat." Best Fashion Statement: Cremation jewelry. The Best Question Asked Award to Houston radio station KRTS-FM for: "Classical music makes college students smarter and cows give more milk. What can it do for you?" Our Mixed Messages Awards to the person driving on Kirby one morning last month in a car with three anti-death-penalty bumper stickers -- speeding through a school zone. Things nonreaders of this column might never know: It takes twice as much to own and operate a Chevrole Metro as it does a Mercedes 320S, according to Runzheimer International. Best Unofficial Company Slogan -- Not At My Company Division: "Scum always floats to the top." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 09:56:11 -0800 From: "Fong, Dara" Subject: Internet Outage *wink, wink* I apologize for the short notice for this important announcement. The Internet Headquarters management has granted the request from the Network Administrator's Union to close the Internet on December 11, so that the Internet's administrators can all attend the premiere of the movie "Star Trek IX: Insurrection." To this end, the Internet will be turned off starting at 12:01 PM GMT (7:01 AM EDT) on December 11, and will be turned back on again exactly 24 hours later. All Internet service providers are urged to inform their clients of this necessary closure. If your clients have any questions, point them to http://www.arpanet.gov for background information and updates. Again, I apologize for having to close the Internet for this period, but the network administrators need this time off to research new geeky signature quotes. Sincerely, C. Rice NOC, Network Operations Center InterNIC INTERNIC@arpanet.gov Voice: 800-711-1969 (FAX) 916-441-5353 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 17:54:03 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: insurance Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." Steven ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 19:54:16 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Saint Peter (Pun) Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it. The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" To which he replies, "Oh, . . . They're Carol's." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 22:48:46 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Money Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 22:18:24 -0700 From: Sue Birkenseer Subject: 12 days of Christmas A forward from a friend.... > The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas (Family Version) > > Dec 25 > > My dearest darling Edward, > What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, > in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic > present! Bless you, and thank you. > Your deeply loving, > Emily > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dec. 26 > > Beloved Edward, > The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the > pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful! > With undying love, as always, > Emily > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dec. 27 > > My darling Edward, > You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending > anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? > It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. > Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely. > Your devoted, > Emily > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dec. 28 > > Dearest Edward, > What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very > sweet, even if they do call rather loudly, they make telephoning almost > impossible, but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their > new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am. > Love from Emily > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dec. 29 > > Dearest Edward, > The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for > each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! > Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking > after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, > and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she > wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense > of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she > means. Still, I love the rings. > Bless you, > Emily > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dec. 30 > > Dear Edward, > Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, > it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the > porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. > We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. > I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we? > Love, > Emily > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dec. 31 > > Edward, > I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more > than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd > rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house > seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind > them, so please, please, stop! > Your Emily > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Jan 1 > > Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? > And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't > find it very amusing. > Emily > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Jan. 2 > > Look here, Edward, > This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. > All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not > ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of > shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round > the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our > friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous > behavior at once! > Emily > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Jan 3 > > As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down > all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and > the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking > inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are > trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. > Emily > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Jan 4 > > This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now > become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the > council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has > been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon > in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied. > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Jan. 5 > > Sir, > > Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that > with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire > percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of > their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an > injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making > arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock. > > I am, Sir, yours faithfully, > > G. Glass > Attorney at law > -- Susan Birkenseer Sue@CircusPrepress.com ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Dec 1998 to 5 Dec 1998 **********************************************