From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, December 06, 1998 2:00 AM To: harter.douglas@dep.state.pa.us Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Dec 1998 to 6 Dec 1998 There are 6 messages totalling 313 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Scots 2. 'Twas the Night before Christmas, And Santa's Pissed 3. American Express in China(off. to China) 4. Weird Business News #10 (3rd of 3) 5. Snow White (mature) 6. More P. U. N. Y. Riddles ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 04:50:19 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: The Scots * A lot of ethic groups are known for being tight with money. Other groups are known to drink too much. Some groups are even known for being people of few words. Only the Scots however have combined all these traits and thrown in a kilt and bagpipes for good measure. - - - - - * The Scot told his wife, "Be sure now to take off your new eye glasses if you're not looking at anything." - - - - - * A Scotsman's last daughter got married and the old man was just thrilled to death -- the confetti was getting dirty. - - - - - * As I said, Scots are known to be frugal. But one guy was carrying things a bit too far. It seems he slept with his mother-in-law to save wear and tear on the bride. - - - - - * The jet plane started to rattle. Quickly, the pilot turned northward. As soon as they crossed the border into Scotland, everything tightened up. - - - - - * A Scot meets a friend at a train station and explains he's off to Glasgow on his honeymoon. His friend asks, "And just where is your wife." "She's seen Glasgow." the groom replied. - - - - - * Mr MacTavish was very sick. His wife sat at his bedside after the doctor had said no more could be done. The man said, "I don't think I'm going to make it thru the nite." The wife replied, "I've got to finish my chores, but if you feel yourself slipping away before I return, please be sure to blow out the candle." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 07:01:19 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: 'Twas the Night before Christmas, And Santa's Pissed 'Twas the night before Christmas old Santa was pissed, He cussd out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, Ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind, To scrap the whole works. I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear.. The old lady bitches cause I work late at night the elves want more money And the reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is Pregnant Vixon has AIDS And just when I thought That things would get better, The IRS, They sent me a letter. They say I owe taxes, If that ain't damn funny.. Who the hell ever Sent Santa any money? And the kids these days, They all are the pits. They want the impossible, Those mean little shits. I spent a whole year Making wagons and sleds with no request for them They want computers and Robots, They think I am IBM If you think that is bad Picture this.. Try holding those brats with their pants full of piss. They pull on my nose, They grab at my beard And if I don't smile, The parents think I'm weird Flying through the air, Dodging the trees. Falling down chimneys And skinning my knees. I quit this job, There is just no enjoyment I'm going to sit on my fat ass And collect unemployment There is NO Christmas this year Now you know the reason I found me a blonde and heading SOUTH for the season.... (Thanks to Irismist) Happy Holidays to one and all! http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 08:02:43 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: American Express in China(off. to China) Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China? A: You never leave home. -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 09:36:27 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Weird Business News #10 (3rd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Set us free from these releases. The following gems come from the 1998 submissions to the annual Worst Press Release in the World Contest, conducted by Glen Goldstein Marketing Communications in New York City: * A release sent to an editor of American Banker magazine on how to cure head lice with olive oil. * A multi-page release on a series of collectible dolls based on characters in Anne Rice novels. * A release sent to a U.S. trade magazine editor written in Hebrew. * The PR headline, "Winstar announces accretive acquisition of long distance frame relay provider." Since the business world seems to be going through a period of merger madness, here are some possible new ones -- as collected by Susan Farb Morris: * W.R. Grace Co. buys Fuller Brush, Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems, creating Hale Mary Fuller Grace. * Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker. * Goodyear and 3M = mmmGood. * John Deere and Abitibia-Price -- Deere Abi. * Zippo Manufacturing, motor car maker Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining become Zip Audi Do Da. * Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil become Honey, I'm Home. * Denison Mines and Alliance and Metal Mining merge and become Mine, All Mine. * J.C. Penney and 3M and Canadian Opera Company would be the 3 Penney Opera. * Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge into the new lobbying and tourism organization, Knott NOW. And finally, a thought sent in by a reader identified only as M. Fjetland. "Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 11:47:48 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Snow White (mature) 1. If Doc is a doctor, why did he not cure Sneezy? 2. If Doc is not a doctor, why didn't Sneezy go buy some Allerest? 3. Should we call Happy, "You're OK" - and Grumpy, "You're not OK"? 4. If the dwarfs were diamond miners, why did they live in a shack? 5. Could the Dwarfs beat the Keebler Elves in a basketball game? 6. Why did the Dwarfs wear condoms on their heads? 7. If Doc is a doctor, why did he not cure Sleepy's narcolepsy? 8. What if one of the Dwarfs was really a bewitched prince who awakened Snow White. 9. What was he doing kissing the sleeping Snow White? (not that there is anything wrong with that.) 10. Would the kiss have changed the prince/dwarf into a frog? 11. Would a lawsuit be filed accusing said prince/dwarf/frog of sexual harassment? 12. Should there be a Starrgate investigation of the prince/dwarf/frog's sexual behaviour? 13. Were The Brothers Grimm and Disney guilty of obstruction of justice? ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 09:41:36 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: More P. U. N. Y. Riddles 69, Contrast Lawrence Olivier as Hamlet, Lon Chaney Jr. as the son of Wolfman Yul Brenner as the King of Siam and Jimmy Stewart as Elwood P. Dowd. 70. What annual flower wants to wed a sugar daddy? 71. How would you describe an oyster that will not give up its pearl? 72. My mother-in-law and I have the same style purse. We have never mixed them up because women have a sixth sense about their handbags. What is this sixth sense called? 73. What famous explorer couldn't go for 24 hours without committing some sort of wretched wordplay > > > > > > > > > 69. HAMLET WAS THE HEIR APPARENT, THE SON OF WOLFMAN HAD A HAIRY PARENT, THE KING OF SIAM WAS A NO-HAIR PARENT AND WITH DOWD, THERE WAS NO HARE APPARENT. (By Stan Kegel) 70. MARRY-GOLD (By Marilyn Escue) 71. VERY SHELLFISH (By David Bunch) 72. EXTRA SENSORY PURSEPTION (By Tiff Wimberly) 73. PUNS DAILY ON (By Gary Hallock) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Dec 1998 to 6 Dec 1998 **********************************************