From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, January 02, 1999 2:00 AM To: harter.douglas@dep.state.pa.us Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Jan 1999 to 2 Jan 1999 There are 3 messages totalling 184 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Golf 2. How's That Again? 3. What you never say to the police ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 05:34:30 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Golf * A "handicapped golfer" is a man who plays golf with his wife. - - - - - * I have a nephew who's so good at golf, he's been offered a full scholarship to medical school. - - - - - * Then there was the golfer who was sentenced to be hanged. He asked the warden if he could take a few practice swings first. - - - - - * Just think guys, a golfer can spend the entire weekend with a bunch of "hookers" and his wife isn't the least bit concerned. - - - - - * Basically, golf has made more liars out of Americans than all of the Income Tax forms ever filed. - - - - - * Contrary to popular belief avid golfers do not lie all the time. Anytime one golfer calls another a "liar" they're probably telling the truth. - - - - - * Some people just have to cheat all the time when it comes to recording the number of strokes on their golf cards. I knew one fellow who got a hole-in-one and entered "zero" on his card. - - - - - * Although not condoned, it was well known within the Maryland State Highway that sometimes people would "sneak-away" for a game of golf during the day. I had forgotten which course my friend Dan said to meet him on and called, only to have his secretary said, "I'm sorry he's away from his desk right now." Knowing she'd never admit where he really was, I asked, "Tell me, is he 10 miles way from his desk or 22 miles away ?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 08:52:08 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: How's That Again? Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago. -- Detroit News article Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee -- Toronto Star headline Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6. -- Entrepreneur Magazine ad Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out -- The Tallahassee Bugle Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs -- The Anchorage, Alaska Times Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming -- The New Haven, Connecticut Register Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters -- The Tallahassee Democrat Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! -- The Houston Chronicle Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"] -- The New Haven, Connecticut Register Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son -- The Arkansas Plainsman Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands -- Bangor Maine News Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position -- The Washington Times Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal -- The Bosnia Bugle Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow -- Newsday Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax -- San Antonio Rose Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free -- Chicago Daily News Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders -- The Miami Herald Happy Holidays to one and all! http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 10:17:30 EST From: Sue Sevin Subject: What you never say to the police What NOT to say to a cop * I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. * Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. * Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? * Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. * I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. * I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. * You're not going to check the trunk, are you? * Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. * Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS? * Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand. * Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds. * I pay your salary. * So uh, you on the take or what? * Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. * Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. * I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. * What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. * Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. * Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? * Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. ================================================== "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison ================================================== ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jan 1999 to 2 Jan 1999 **********************************************