From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, January 03, 1999 2:00 AM To: harter.douglas@dep.state.pa.us Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Jan 1999 to 3 Jan 1999 There are 4 messages totalling 244 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Assorted Quickies 2. Revised Tale Of Bethlehem?! 3. Hunting License 4. One Liners ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 03:02:15 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Assorted Quickies * The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast * Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work * Mrs JimJr lives great on my income; now I need one of my own * If you're "not yourself today", enjoy it while ya can * Maybe he/she doesn't "act stupid"; it might be the real thing * If Clinton's tongue were notarized, I'd still think he's lying * If life isn't worth living, what else can you do with it ? * Some people not only have bad luck... they're carriers * If a man's "Captain of his ship", his wife's likely the Admiral * Give some women an inch, and they'll rearrange or redecorate it * There's still "incurable romantics" -- we need better antibiotics * What this country needs is products that outlast the wrappings * Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years * Ever notice how ignorance picks-up confidence as it goes along * A billion's the current number of foods made with types of bran * Teamwork is as easy as freckles getting together to make a tan * Those who use body language need to improve their vocabularies * These days, an "underprivileged kid" only has one set of parents - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 07:00:14 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Revised Tale Of Bethlehem?! And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said; "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord." "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee, who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property, where such symbols were not allowed to land, or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea "What if I put a couple of rein- deer over there near the ox and the ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife. "That would definitely help, said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too." he said. "No court can resist that!" Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard home- less in a greedy, uncaring society in winter." he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless, the inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies. With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer, the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes. Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ox and ass. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us as Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And, "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wiseperson among the halt and lame of Bethlehem. A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again, "There is one thing, though, Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Seasons Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter?'" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in mid-winter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver!" (Thanks to MC) Happy Holidays to one and all! http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 10:06:21 -0500 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: Hunting License "Well," said the man interviewing the young woman, "can you type 60 words a minute?" "Nossir," she replied, "I don't think so, but I really need this job." "Well, can you type 40 words a minute?" "Nossir," she replied, "I don't think so, but I really need this job." "Tell me, can you type 20 words a minute?" "Nossir," she replied, "I don't think so, but I really need this job." "Oh," he said, "I see!" You're just a hunt 'n' pecker! "Nossir," she replied, "I ain't a-huntin' pecker. I TOLD you I really need this job." =================================================== Seeing a naked man run through the halls of the hospital, the doctor was dismayed to see, in hot pursuit, a nurse with a pan of boiling water. "Nurse Moore," the doctor shouted as she fell in pursuit as well, "I asked you to PRICK his BOIL!" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 12:00:41 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: One Liners What's the definition of mixed emotions? -- When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. What's the height of conceit? -- Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. What's the definition of macho? -- Jogging home from your own vasectomy What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? -- One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? -- Because it scares the heck out of the dog. How do you double the value of a Yugo? -- You fill it with gas. What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common? -- Neither of them can stop a Bronco. Have you heard George Michael's new song? -- It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double. -- The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? -- Anyone can roast beef. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth? -- The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. What's the difference between a lawyer and God? -- God doesn't think he's a lawyer. What's the weather like in Tahoe? -- Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jan 1999 to 3 Jan 1999 **********************************************