From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Monday, January 04, 1999 2:00 AM To: harter.douglas@dep.state.pa.us Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 1999 to 4 Jan 1999 There are 9 messages totalling 509 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Demon Rum 2. Doing Nothing? 3. Checkout lady sarcasm 4. Job Opening (off. to leagle beagles) 5. The Difference between Cow"boys" ( Adult) 6. Useless Tidbits (adult) 7. Executive Interview 8. Tongue-Twister Bible 9. HMOs ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 04:17:52 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Demon Rum * Every New Year's you hear so much about the "evils of drink". I agree -- there's only one thing worse than drink -- thirst. - - - - - * Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings. - - - - - * Two drunks saw a guy siphoning gas from a car. The one said to the other, "I hope I never get THAT thirsty." - - - - - * I know one fellow who drinks so much, I figure he's about two or three thousand swallows ahead of Capistrano. - - - - - * Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax. Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you can't move. - - - - - * Ever hear the expression "hard drinker" ? Never made much sense to me, drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do. - - - - - * They say drinking is inherited. I was never convinced 'til I saw a baptism with water, followed by a Vodka Collins chaser. - - - - - * Mrs JimJr insisted I stop drinking this New Year's Eve at about 11:00. We were dancing and she said she could hear me sloshing. - - - - - * Personally, I think the health benefits of alcohol have been overlooked. With all this emphasis on grain intake, you'd think it'd be good for ya in liquid form as well. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 08:54:16 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Doing Nothing? A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?" The guy replies, "150 dollars." The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back. A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, "Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?" Bill Stebbins Live well, Laugh often, Love much... http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/ http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 14:43:17 +0000 From: Andy Hedges Subject: Checkout lady sarcasm A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans * one bag of crisps * one pack of burgers * one tub of icecream * one cake * one yoghurt * one pint of milk. He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However how did you guess?" The girl replies: "You're an ugly bastard." The Humor Archives http://www.hedges.net/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 10:41:51 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Job Opening (off. to leagle beagles) =20 There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don=92t understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of=20 them!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 14:27:49 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: The Difference between Cow"boys" ( Adult) There were once two cowboys, one from Texas and the other from Oklahoma, riding the range when suddenly they came upon a poor sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. Well, the temptation was too much for the Oklahoma cowboy and he quickly leapt from his horse and has his way with the sheep. Upon completing his dirty deed, he stepped back and asked his buddy from Texas if he wanted some. "You bet!" was his enthusiastic reply and he jumped down from his horse and stuck his head through the fence........ -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 16:30:38 +0000 From: Jack Shea Subject: Useless Tidbits (adult) Interesting But Useless Tidbits Q: What occurs more often in December than any other month? A: Conception. Q: Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it? A: Skinny dipping. Q: What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show? A: No theme song/music. Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A: Their birthplace. Q: Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A: Obsession. Q: More women do this in the bathroom than men. A: Wash their hands. Women 80% / Men 55% Q: What do 100% of all lottery winners do? A: Gain weight. Q: In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell. A: Banana. Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A: One thousand. Q: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? A: All invented by women. Q: Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men. A: Change their underwear. Q: This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous. A: A kiss. Q: This is the only food that doesn't spoil. A: Honey. Q: There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year. A: Father's Day. Q: What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic? A: He was allergic to carrots. Q: 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this. A: Snoop in your medicine cabinet. Q: 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this. A: Wear underwear. Q: What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide? A: A fart. Q: 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this. A:Cheating on their wives. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 20:14:01 EST From: Sue Sevin Subject: Executive Interview One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy, and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and danced and had a great time. Now all >>> there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 09:34:21 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Tongue-Twister Bible For your New Year,chew this! - C. A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? Betty Botter had some butter, But," she said, "this butter's bitter. If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter. But a bit of better butter-- that would make my batter better." So she bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter, and she baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter. So it was better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter. Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick. A big black bug bit a big black bear, made the big black bear bleed blood. The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick. Pope Sixtus VI's six texts. She sells sea shells by the sea shore. The shells she sells are surely seashells. So if she sells shells on the seashore, I'm sure she sells seashore shells. Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised. Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink." Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets. Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks. A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!" Said the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue. Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches? Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better. A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the bitter bittern, bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!" Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw! The boot black bought the black boot back. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood. We surely shall see the sun shine soon. Which witch wished which wicked wish? Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed. If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews? Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup. Six sharp smart sharks. What a shame such a shapely sash should such shabby stitches show. Sure the ship's shipshape, sir. Don't pamper damp scamp tramps that camp under ramp lamps. Chalapathi And This Ain't His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 22:18:45 -0800 From: Keith Sullivan Subject: HMOs HMO WOES HMOs in 18 states have announced that they'll drop up to 20,000 elderly patients on Medicare. "They'll be rejected on the grounds that they had a preexisting condition and chronic inability to pay exorbitant fees." --Bob Mills ShopTalk, Oct 7, 1998 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= HMO ACCIDENTALLY PROVIDES HEALTHCARE!!! PITTSBURG -- Mega-HMO of Pennsylvania pleaded guilty today to accidentally providing healthcare to one of its members. The HMO, one of the largest in the known galaxy, admitted it had quickly approved treatment of an unidentified 58-year-old man who had suffered a unknown medical emergency that required undisclosed immediate treatment. "We're sorry," said Mega-HMO President Arnold Ziffle. "It was an oversight. We realize a slip-up like this instills a false sense of hope in our clients." As the Democrats and Republicans in Congress battled for right to see how much money they could stuff into the pockets of the HMO's, the event had a sobering effect on all but Ted Kennedy who, as it turns out, still has enough alcohol in his bloodstream to be legally drunk until the year 2036. "Of course we're worried," said Senator Thurston Howell, "because this strays from the medical model that the American people have a right to accept from an HMO." The concerns in Congress center around the fear that the health industry might slip back toward outdated economic models which include house calls, doctors knowing patients by their name, the ability for insurance companies to cover treatment by any doctor at any time and suckers for children (and adults) who were brave. "Those times are gone," Howell said. "When I was a child, we got little toys on each visit, not just stickers on a roll that say, "I love my HMO." Howell's committee had drawn up specific guidelines for HMO treatment and these include: * See lots of patients too quickly * Hand out samples from that little closet rather than actually prescribe more effective medication * Refer to a specialist only when a portion of the patient's body has fallen off and is lying on the office floor * Return all after-hours calls on a monthly basis * See lots more patients more quickly by having them undress in waiting room * Install state of the art voice mail routing systems for the telephone which will transfer the caller no fewer than 34 times before speaking to a human * Post large, menacing people from New Jersey next to the sign that says payment is due upon entry into the examining room. * See really lots more patients even more quickly by having patients in the waiting room examine each other. The NetEnquirer ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 1999 to 4 Jan 1999 **********************************************