From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Tuesday, January 05, 1999 2:00 AM To: harter.douglas@dep.state.pa.us Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Jan 1999 to 5 Jan 1999 There are 14 messages totalling 697 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Male Logic 2. Smiles (adult) 3. New Year's Resolutions 4. Three Sundry Funnies {adult} 5. Road Hazard 6. Around the world in a baloon 7. What Goes Around Comes Around 8. New Year's Resolutions - Rebuttal 9. The Post strikes again 10. Her New Job (adult) 11. What computer terms really mean 12. The Chili Bowl 13. A late breaking development (adult) 14. True Stories... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 04:42:59 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Male Logic * The errant Jew was being counseled by his Rabbi. "Relax Sol." said the sinner. "God will pardon me. It's his business." - - - - - * When asked how a group of men thought the state's marriage license procedure could be improved, they suggested that a "no-fault" divorce decree be printed on the reverse side. - - - - - * A girl takes her boyfriend to see his very first opera. He sat thru a portion of "Aida" and then asked, "What's wrong with that lady ? Is she dying ?" "No." replied the girl. "There's nothing wrong with her." "Then why is she screaming like that ?" he asked. - - - - - * In the days when the US Census takers went door-to-door, one asked an older man when his birthday was. "June 3rd." was the prompt reply. "What year ?" the census taker continued. "Every year, you damn fool !" replied the indignant resident. - - - - - * Two buddies were skiing and one slipped, tumbled end-over- end down the slope. His friend rushed down, ran over and asked if he were OK. "I feel as if I've broken every single bone in my body." the tumbler moaned. "Damn good thing you ain't a herring then, ain't it ?" said his pal. - - - - - * Two old friends met at a bar and one announced that he was getting married. His friend congratulated him and asked who the bride was. "JoAnne, the lil' blonde cashier down at the Giant grocery store." the groom-to-be replied. "You old fool." his friend countered, "She's what, 20 some, and you're in your 70's." "What's wrong with that ?" the first man asked. "She's the same age my first wife was when I married her." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 07:04:34 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Smiles (adult) A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course." There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "I resent that remark." said the blonde as she rose from the cafeteria table. "I'll give you 5 seconds to take that back." "Oh yeah?" snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing was head and shoulders above the blonde. "Suppose I don't take it back in five seconds?" "Well..." stammered the blonde, "how much time do you need?" ---------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 4 basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs fall into". His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't fall into any food group". Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little Johnny to drop the subject but he just would not let it go. He said "I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!" ------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 09:00:53 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: New Year's Resolutions For Internet Junkies 1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. 2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband). 3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. 4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. 5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. 6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... 7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. 8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support." 9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" 10. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. 11. I will think of a password other than "password." 12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical. 13. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off- line work done, too! ************************************ For Him & Her [Him (Y) / Her (X)] X - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water Y - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend) X - ONLY - one chocolate bar per week Y - ONLY - three nights at topless bar per week X - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week Y - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote X - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine Y - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list X - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting Y - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing X - Get organized/clean house Y - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother) X - Buy new Daily Planner Y - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture X - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance Y - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance X - Read More / Less TV Y - Buy Dish - More sports channels!! X - Watch quality TV with positive messages Y - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER X - Plan budget / Save more money Y - Only three nights at topless bar per week (Thanks to Mary Campbell) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 10:02:34 -0500 From: Jim Mica Subject: Three Sundry Funnies {adult} Original Source Unknown A Professional To The End A plumber Joe was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When Joe arrived, he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful and during the course of the repair the two became extremely friendly. About 5:30 p.m. the phone rang, halting the bedroom activities. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home. He will be going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can pick up where we left off." Joe the union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time?" ================================================== Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I raise the tiolet seat and pee onto the inside of the bowl. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw open the door to the bathroom, stand on top of the tiolet tank to pee into the water, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about some sex!!' and she's always sound asleep. _________________________________________ Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name. They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?" ++++++ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 10:13:12 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Road Hazard As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Lee, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on i75. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Lee, "it's not just one car... It's hundreds of them!" ********************************************************* "Beware of strong drink. It will make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss." -- Lazarus Long ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 12:09:35 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: Around the world in a baloon This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info. ---559023410-851401618-915469775=:11340 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII Content-ID: Content-Description: "cc:Mail Note Part" This story ran in the Orlando Sentinel on New Years day - Section A page 2: Title : Richard Branson is rich, but he is no Phineas Fogg Jean-Jules Verne, great grandson of Around the World in 80 days author Jules Verne, dismissed the effort of Richard Branson and company to circle the globe in a balloon as "more a millionaires whim of fantasy than a worthwhile scientific challenge." Verne said that if his ancestor were alive today, " he would be much more excited by the first manned flight to Mars than watching businessmen attempting crackpot balloon records." ---559023410-851401618-915469775=:11340-- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 13:19:32 -0500 From: Patrick Ash Subject: What Goes Around Comes Around Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate -- approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton" "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. "Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 19:59:30 GMT From: Catweasel Subject: New Year's Resolutions - Rebuttal I must take issue with Bill Stebbins' last post. > For Internet Junkies > > 1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. Only 9? Don't be daft, man; I have unlimited addresses and it still isn't enough. > 2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband). What, and lose touch altogether? > 3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. I resolve to sign up my children so they, too, can contact me when they need me. > 4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I > answer my e-mail. No I won't. Snail mail means bills. > 5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the > phone at the same time with the same person. Good point. Someone else may need to get in touch. > 6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... > okay, monthly then...or maybe... RAID > 7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of > course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. It will become even more difficult to estimate once I have destroyed all my clocks. > 8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS > Tech Support." Certainly not once I've found a support organisation which knows what it is doing. > 9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" When I tell a funny joke I will resist the urge to strangle the person who responds, "LOL!" > 10. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. Aye, there's the rub. I know it's in this pile somewhere. Or is it that pile... > 11. I will think of a password other than "password." Oh, 'eck. You mean we both have the same password? > 12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is > much more practical. Yes, I really should wait 2 hours after my 2:30 check. > 13. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, > get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, > too! Just as soon as I finish with my e-mail. And my website. And use-net. And... Trust me, I'm a doctor^Wnetaholic. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org I would like to thank my mother and father, they taught me to think ahea d ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 17:25:59 -0500 From: Steve and Cindy Subject: The Post strikes again The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition: Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass. Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't understand it. Coiterie: a very VERY close-knit group. Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription. Reintarnation: coming back to life as Gabby Hayes. DIOS: the one true operating system. Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: terminal coolness. Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness. Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family. Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease. Adulatery: cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window. Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Manufracture: to produce items which break after little use. Imargination: the fantasy of being liminalized. Telegant: Looking good on tv. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 16:52:24 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Her New Job (adult) Our neighbor, a not to bright, woman got a new job working in a sperm bank. We ran into her about a week after she started her new job and asked her what she did. She said "Well, I just sit in the reception area and greet all the men who come in. It's mainly men. Women never come in there. And I act cordial. And I point out to the men where they should go. And when they come out, I say, . . . 'Thank you for coming.=92=94 -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:59:12 +0800 From: Mike Robertshaw Subject: What computer terms really mean Apologies as the source has been lost 3-10 forwards ago: Computer and Internet terms - What they REALLY mean. Modem What landscapers do to dem lawns. Token Ring A virtual engagement gift. Ethernet A device for catching the Ether Bunny. DataPac A size 14 girl in a size 8 bikini. Asynch A place to wash your hands. Bysnch The place where Elton John washes his hands. BBS Tall tales told by insects that produce honey. ASCII The ancient god of telecommunications. Rumoured to give vast amounts of data to believers. Hence, the phrase "ASCII and you shall receive." Block Parity One heck of a good time. Carrier Detect Raison d'=EAtre for premarital blood tests. File Transfer Procedure followed by INFORMATION CENTER staff who are tired of their present jobs. Hayes Compatible Prone to riding with a grizzled old cowhand who sings off-key. Gene Autry is the industry standard. Serial Interface A spoon. Terminal Emulation A function performed by a canary that lays on its back with its legs in the air. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 09:22:08 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: The Chili Bowl A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too." Chalapathi And This Ain't His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 22:55:49 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: A late breaking development (adult) Jay Leno, Master of Ceremonies of the "Tonight Show," a late night American television show, just announced that a Little Rock, Arkansas prostitute has declared that U.S. President Bill Clinton fathered her son. "Not so!" declared President Bill. "What happened is that she sat on Monica's dress!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 01:46:54 +0000 From: Jack Shea Subject: True Stories... Five Philippines treasure hunters were killed in March in Rizal province after they found a live World War II bomb and tried to pound it open with a crowbar. And a Philippines naval officer died in January in Zamboanga City while renovating his home when he used a live mortar shell as a hammer. @@@@@@@@ During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' " @@@@@@@@ My sister-in-law, Clara, wanted to see if she could get some information on my condition after I had had a mild heart attack. She asked the duty Nurse if I was making any progress. "Not in the least." the Nurse replied, "He's not my type." @@@@@@@@ Ottawa Citizen, Aug. 25/98 LONDON - A couple making love in a Manchester cemetery were injured when a gravestone fell on top of them. The 25-year-old woman, who suffered cuts and bruises, scrambled free and ran almost a kilometer to a public phone box to call the emergency services. When firefighters arrived in the city's Southern Cemetery they found her 27-year-old partner, wearing a skirt and white silk stockings, trapped under the gravestone. A member of the fire brigade said: "Some of the lads thought it was a bit of a wind-up, but when we found the man and saw how much pain he was in, we quickly got to work to free him." It took five firefighters to lift the tombstone. The man was treated in the cemetery before being tranferred to South Manchester hospital. A fire department spokesman said: "We responded immediately to the call, but it took some time to find the injured man. It was dark in the cemetery and it is a big place. We had difficulty finding the grave. A spokesman for the ambulance service said the injured man was dis-charged after being treated for head injuries. @@@@@@@@@ When I was a public health nurse, I had a young patient who was pregnant for the third time in less than 3 years. I asked her if she used any birth control and she said that we took birth control pills. I asked her to bring them to me so that we could talk about what she was doing, the dosage and whether or not she needed to change to another type of birth control. With that, she went to the bedroom and came back with . . . vaginal foaming pills (about the size of a Necco wafer). She said, "I've been taking them just like the doctor told me - every time I have sex I take one. They're hard to swallow but I manage." I sat there for a moment trying to control the hysterical laughter that was rising and ready to burst out of me. I had visions of those foaming tablets bubbling up out of her mouth. I finally grasped onto my professionalism and said in a somewhat stifled (but controlled) voice said, "You were supposed to insert those vaginally every time you had intercourse - not swallow them." Her reply was, "Now I know why they didn't work." Needless to say, I had some teaching to do and a new form of birth control to get for her!! @@@@@@@@@ ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jan 1999 to 5 Jan 1999 **********************************************