From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, January 06, 1999 2:00 AM To: harter.douglas@dep.state.pa.us Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Jan 1999 to 6 Jan 1999 There are 14 messages totalling 559 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Religion 2. Smiles (mature) 3. Checking Meters 4. You Know Your Life Sucks... 5. Disdainful questions & comments about contemporary events 6. Minnesota Computer Terminology 7. Washington Post - an addition 8. Two Clean Jokes 9. another blonde joke 10. My New Years resolutions 11. God's Vacation 12. The 3 Roses (adult) 13. Composure - Part 1/2 14. Drillin' Rights ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 04:13:23 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Religion * The Bible states that the meek shall inherit the Earth. Unfortunately, the strong keep contesting the will. - - - - - * As I understand the "Quaker" faith, they strive never to have any disagreements or arguments nor become angry. I think that pretty much sums-up why the Quaker men currently outnumber the Quaker women approximately 17 to 1. - - - - - * Speaking of Quakers (I was) a Rabbi in Pennsylvania complained to an associate that many of the younger people in his Temple were converting to the Quaker faith. The associate responded, "You've got the same problem ? Why in my Temple, some of my best Jews are Friends." - - - - - * Speaking of Jews (I was) when Mrs JimJr and I lived in Randall Ridge, the community was perhaps 40-50% Jewish. A new neighbor invited to one of our Holiday parties, commented on the lack of Christmas decorations in the development: "I wish I'd have known how many Jews lived in 'The Ridge'. I'd never have bought here." Another of our guests, Ms Ruthenburg, smiled sweetly & replied, "Perhaps you should have tried Hell -- there are no Jews there." - - - - - * A Priest at a Church picnic was staring at a member of his parish wearing the tiniest of bikini's. A Nun walked over and said, "Shame on you Father, staring at that woman like that !" The Priest replied, "Sister Mary Elizabeth, I know you to be on a diet, and yet I saw you ogling the buffet." - - - - - * When Columbia Maryland was constructed, its founder stressed diversity among the monied above all else. In the early days, four churches were established for a very small population. Following a service, a visitor commented to the Minister on the sparse attendance saying it appeared his flock wasn't doing well. "This is true." the Pastor responded. "But thank God the other three Churches are having lots of problems too." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 07:18:29 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Smiles (mature) An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?" "I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake..." ----------------------------------------------------------- A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks. The old man replies, calmly: "Like I'm talking to a wall." -------------------------------------- Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's. He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by. "So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2." Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!" ----------------------------------- In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:15:07 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Checking Meters Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:57:04 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: You Know Your Life Sucks... YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS WHEN..... -- A black cat crosses your path and drops dead. -- You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. -- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. -- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. -- You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment. -- Your children's school calls to surrender. -- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice. -- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map. -- Your plants do better when you _don't_ talk to them. -- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists. -- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic. (via Shara Rendell-Smock) ******************************************************* "Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book." -- Marcus Tullius Cicero ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:10:37 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Disdainful questions & comments about contemporary events Bumper stickers seen on the same car: "Buckle Up for Safety" and "Support Organ Donation." I'd like to propose a law against the use of word "terminal" anywhere near an airport. Politics comes from the Latin root poli, meaning many, and ticks, which are blood-sucking insects. I asked my wife the other day, "Will you love me when I'm old and senile?" She said, "Of course I do." I hear there is a lockout in the NBA. What's the NBA? I haven't heard anyone say they miss the NBA. The best way to make certain that an issue is address but never accomplished is to give it to a task force. Never get on a scale the day after Christmas. What is more ridiculous than three grown, intelligent men trying to fly around the world in a balloon? Amswer: Journalists who report it as a headline news event. Another answer: Spending our taxes for the Coast Guard to pluck wealthy adventurers out of the ocean, over and over again. Ditto for yacht racers. Ever wonder about those people who spend two euros a throw on those little bottles of Evian water? Trying spelling Evian backward. My wife said the secret of a happy marriage is for the husband to always give in to his wife. I replied that I am not in a happy marriage. My brother and sister were in one those Christmas plays at church. I couldn't help but think, "Man, this play must be fiction, because my sister is an angel and my brother is a wise man." Main source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:47:18 -0500 From: Jim Mica Subject: Minnesota Computer Terminology Untimate source unknown. I've seen this done "southern", but this was a new one to me ***************************************** Here's a Minnesota Guide to Computer Lingo LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter LOG OFF: don't add no more vood MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove MEGAHERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your barefoot in da morning FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season ENTER: come on in WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings games MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix's wife LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Misses can find em SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya? MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 11:35:21 -0500 From: Steve and Cindy Subject: Washington Post - an addition Here is an excellent entry (and timely!) sent to me: From: Bill Edwards > >Wishington. (n., place) the political capital (sic) of the United >States; a place where Federal politicians go if elected; where hope >is confused with greed. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 13:56:10 EST From: Sue Sevin Subject: Two Clean Jokes Question: Why does Bill Clinton have a clean conscience? Answer: He's never used it. ----------------------- A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." =================================== "I plan to live forever or die trying." Spider Robinson =================================== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 18:21:22 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: another blonde joke A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims,"I dont have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!!!" To that the man asks, "Anything??" And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!" He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does. He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?" Steven ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 21:17:46 EST From: Michael Gaines Subject: My New Years resolutions In 1999, I resolve to.... -Do my taxes......for 1991. -Prepare for the Y2K crisis by purchasing food, batteries, and the latest release of "How to become a paranoid schizophrenic in 3 easy lessons". -Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing. -Secure a patent for my new "reusable condom" invention. -Pay up the back child support payments to the couple who first tested my invention. -Convince my girlfriend that the added weight of breast implants will reduce face wrinkles. -Continue to help O.J. find the real killer. -Persuade my boss to give me a company car, provide a stock-option plan, and let me work the drive-thru window. - Tell my brother that I really didnt sleep with his ex-wife. -Tell my ex-wife that I really didnt sleep with her brother. -Develop a fitness plan that will accomodate my four-pack-a-day smoking habit. -Convince my girlfriend that oral sex prevents cavities. -Never send e-mail while I'm drinking, especially since those guys at the pentagon seem to have no sense of humor. -Improve my sexual stamina by surpassing my current record of 29 seconds. -Try not to scratch my butt and pick my nose with the same hand. -Do more two-steppin' and less two-timin' down at the local Slurp-N-Burp. - Find out why that correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up. -Convince my girlfriend that sex between women is o.k. as long as there's a man present. -Turn myself in to the authorities. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 18:47:44 -0800 From: Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM> Subject: God's Vacation God's Vacation God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? I t's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking About it!" Rodney And Cathy's Joke List Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 21:37:26 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: The 3 Roses (adult) A woman goes to her doctor and said she wanted and operation done because her vagina lips were much too large. She then asked the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she didn't want anyone to find out, so the doctor agreed. She woke up from her operation only to find three roses carefully placed beside her in bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor. She said to him, I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!. The doctor told her he did not and not to worry. He then continued... The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation and the had the operation done herself." Just then the girl asked about the third rose. "The doctor said Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!" -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 09:29:29 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Composure - Part 1/2 * Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was one day invited to a university to give a lecture to the students. Before he could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the auditorium a very unkempt-looking student at the back shouted a vulgar word at him. The word rung in everyone's ears. There was a shocked silence but Capp, keeping his composure, said: "Now that you've given us your name, what's your question ?" * A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools !" Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said :" I always do. " * A politician, who was very small-sized, was often derided by an opponent, a tall, well-built man. One day the opponent walked up to him, looked down sneeringly and said loudly :"You know, I could just swallow you up!" "In that event," said the little fellow, looking up," you would have more brains in your stomach than you'll ever have in your head!" Chalapathi And This Ain't His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 00:22:24 -0500 From: Artic Subject: Drillin' Rights Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's the problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!" "Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Jan 1999 to 6 Jan 1999 **********************************************