From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Tuesday, February 02, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Feb 1999 to 2 Feb 1999 There are 13 messages totalling 596 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Mixed Up Metaphors (Puns) 2. (Not so Sweet) Mysteries of Life 3. Empty & Monica (only off. to Monica) 4. Super Bowl Followup 5. Soon To Be Newlyweds 6. Down Under 7. Airplane crash 8. Definitions 9. Contrived questions & comments about contemporary life 10. Ethnic Stereotype of The Day 11. Good Sayings 12. A Lawyer Needsa Hobby 13. If Abbie was a man ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 00:37:19 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Mixed Up Metaphors (Puns) The best of MIXED UP METAPHORS By Richard Lederer from his book Anguished English I wouldn't be caught dead in that movie with a ten-foot pole. The sacred cows have come home to roost with a vengeance. Milwaukee is the golden egg that the rest of the state wants to milk. She'll get it by hook or ladder. The bankers' pockets are bulging with the sweat of the honest working man. That's a very hard blow to swallow. These hemorrhoids are a real pain in the neck. The slowdown is accelerating. That snake in the grass is barking up the wrong tree. When we get to that bridge, we'll jump. Don't sit there like a sore thumb - Everyone whose ox has been gored is going to be squealing. It's time to swallow the bullet. It's time to grab the bull by the tail and look it in the eye. The budget deficit is an albatross we carry on our back. IThe sword of Damocles is hanging over Pandora's Box. It's as easy as falling off a piece of cake. I was so surprised you could have knocked me over with a fender. Let dead dogs sleep. Stop beating a dead horse to death. Regret to inform you that the hand that rocked the cradle has kicked the bucket. >From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine-tuned comb. That guy's out to butter his own nest. I would not have gone in there over my dead body. Many cities and towns have community gardening programs that need a little more help to get off the ground. He threw a wet towel on the meeting. We've got to be careful about getting too many cooks into this soup, or somebody's going to think there's dirty work behind the crossroads. We both had crewcuts, which made our ears stick out Eke sore thumbs. In our school, freshmen are on the lowest rungs of the totem pole. He's between a rock and the deep blue sea. Let's hope that Steve Carlton gets his curve ball straightened out. Let us nip this political monkey in the bud before it sticks to us like a leech. He was a very astute politician with both ears glued to the ground. I do hope that you don't think I've been making a mountain out of a mole hole, but that's the whole kettle of fish in a nutshell. If you have a chance, watch Richard Lederer on the Monday night, February 1, @ 8 p.m., debut of "20/20" on ABC television. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 03:39:27 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: (Not so Sweet) Mysteries of Life * Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said about adultery. Turn to the New Testament however and there we are admonished to "Love our Neighbor" -- I mean, go figure. - - - - - * The Bible study class was told that Solomon fed his thousand wives ambrosia & nectar. Never mind that !!! I wantta know what the hell HE ate and drank. - - - - - * The computer age finally entered the weekly football pools at the State Highway Administration. Problem is now though, the computer wins every damn week. - - - - - * I've heard several Senators say they were going to "vote their conscience" on the matter of removing Clinton from office. OK, but what are those Senators without consciences supposed to do. - - - - - * I love to hold a conversation. Problem is, many people don't know how to let go of it. I've often wondered if people who love to shoot off their mouths use gunpowder as toothpaste. - - - - - * We've all heard "Laughter is the best medicine". Lately though I'm not all that sure -- if that were really true, wouldn't the medical profession have found a way by now to charge us for it? - - - - - * Following my bypass, I was confined to only the upper level of our house, not allowed to use stairs or ride in a car for three weeks. Well... except to go see the doctors, of course. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 06:57:00 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Empty & Monica (only off. to Monica) A man from Maryland was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, he rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a time and then asked..."Is it on or off?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monica Lewinsky was walking along a beach, when she spotted a bottle in the sand. She bent over and picked up the bottle, began to wipe the sand off the bottle, when POOF, out jumped a Genie from the bottle. He thanked Monica for freeing him from the bottle, and offered her 1 wish. Monica thought to herself, "Well, I'm already famous, and with my new book being published, I'm going to be rich". Suddenly an idea came to her. She looked at the Genie and said "You know, I really wish you could make these love handles of mine disappear", and POOF ... her ears fell ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 07:13:49 -0500 From: Patrick Ash Subject: Super Bowl Followup We all watched the Super bowl, followed by the requisite Disneyland / Disneyworld commercial. Now the question arises, 'How can we top this?' -- Bill Clinton, you have just been convicted of Perjury and Obstruction of Justice. What are you going to do now?!?! I'm going to Hooters!!!!!! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 08:17:37 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Soon To Be Newlyweds A couple was about to be married. The groom was walking down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man noticed that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man asked, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The groom replied, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life!" Just then the bride came walking down the aisle and she, too, had the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor noticed this and asked, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The bride replied, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life!" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 09:12:20 -0500 From: Steve and Cindy Subject: Down Under Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front. Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired." So he went up to the door and knocked on it. To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sight of relief and said to the other bloke, "Where's ya bin?" The man replied, "I bon on 'olidays," Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?" "I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply. Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya fucken idiot -- where's ya Wheelie Bin?" The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. "Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail -- but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays, eh!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 17:14:04 +0200 From: Felix Chirciu Subject: Airplane crash Flight seven-oh-niner has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water". "Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified. "Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs". "And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady. "Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much". --- Felix ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 10:35:13 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Definitions NOTICE: I received word from a friend that the "Girls You Might See In The Restroom" joke I sent in Thurs 28 Jan 1999 was a lot older than I'd assumed... > Alan Dundes and Carl R. Pagter (1975. Urban Folklore from > the Paperwork Empire. Austin, TX: American Folklore Society) > give the essence of this story both in text and cartoon form. > They indicate that it had been around for years in '75. Thanx, Jim!! --------------------------------------------- Abdicate -- v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Balderdash -- n., a rapidly receding hairline. Bustard -- n., a very rude Metrobus driver. Carcinoma -- n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. Circumvent -- n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Coffee -- n., a person who is coughed upon. Esplanade -- v., to attempt an explanation while drunk. Flabbergasted -- adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained. Flatulence -- n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Gargoyle -- n., an olive-flavored mouthwash. Lymph -- v., to walk with a lisp. Marionettes -- n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor. Negligent -- adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Oyster -- n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Rectitude -- n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Semantics -- n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers. Testicle -- n., a humorous question to an exam. Willy-nilly -- adj., impotent. ******************************************************* It's free, so technically we can't disappoint you! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 15:53:51 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Contrived questions & comments about contemporary life Watch out for people with vision. An hallucination is a vision. How come the House managers didn't need any witness testimony to indict, yet now they must have witnesses to convict? What a stupid question: Everybody knows that Republicans don't need evidence to convict Clinton, but to get a Democrats to convict Clinton, the House managers would actually need some evidence. I just paid more for a small coffee than I did for a gallon of gasoline. I prefer "Seinfeld" and "Friends" reruns to sex. I wish my husband felt the same. I would rather give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to my dog than a cigarette smoker. President Clinton, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted by "journalists," then used against you. Rubberneckers are like snowflakes: No two look alike and both will back up traffic. Psychiatry is the search of the id by the odd. Thank you, Mr. President, for spending 15 years of budget surpluses that we don't even have yet. I don't know how things work in the Clinton household, but this is the point where my wife would make me resign. It's better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with the same jerk for the rest of your life. I don't believe it. A telemarketers hung up on me. Do I win a prize or something? The guy in the muffler shop said I didn't need an appointment. They could hear me coming. If Bill Clinton testifies at the trial, would it make any sense to swear him in? Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 17:11:33 -0500 From: Jim Mica Subject: Ethnic Stereotype of The Day From Jeffrey Kacirk's "Forgotten English" calendar for 1999: Feb 1. St. Brigid's Day "This fifth-century Irish patron saint of dairy maids is credited with the miracle of having changed her bath- water into beer to refresh a group of hungry people." I wonder if she was using IRISH SPRING soap at the time... -- Jim Mica JMICA@ITHACA.EDU ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 17:08:07 -0800 From: Sue Birkenseer Subject: Good Sayings With Thanks to Katherine Boswell > 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. > 2. A day without sunshine is, like, night. > 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. > 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. > 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. > 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. > 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. > 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be > misquoted, then used against you. > 9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. > 10. Honk if you love peace and quiet. > 11. Remember, half the people you know are below average. > 12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it > remains? > 13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. > 14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. > 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. > 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. > 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. > 18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the > cheese. > 19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. > 20. I intend to live forever - so far so good. > 21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. > 22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? > 23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. > 24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. > 25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. > 26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. > -- Susan Birkenseer Sue@CircusPrepress.com ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 18:10:05 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: A Lawyer Needsa Hobby A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock the boat?" The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don't bang up the finish on the craft." "Well then," the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the sailboat?" "Good question." The salesman told him. =93You can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or you can just walk out to the boat, if you don't mind getting wet.=93 "Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied. . . . "It's Row vs Wade." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 12:56:45 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: If Abbie was a man (Forwarded by Max Blumberg) Dear Abbie: Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour. Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Feb 1999 to 2 Feb 1999 **********************************************