From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Friday, February 05, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Feb 1999 to 5 Feb 1999 There are 12 messages totalling 585 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Sports 2. Great Imponderables! 3. It's A Good Thing We Have The State Of Maryland 4. Eurospin 5. Weird Business News #12 (3rd of 3) 6. HUMOR Digest - 3 Feb 1999 to 4 Feb 1999 7. new software 8. Creative thinking 101 9. Baseball 10. Shingles 11. The Little Pig 12. Hitchcock's Elevator Story ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 04:42:40 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Sports * Bet most of y'all don't know why so many women like tennis better than any other sport. It's because tennis is one of the few sports that tolerates heated arguments with the officials. - - - - - * One little know fact that's still pretty much a secret in the US is that during the National Basketball Association's (NBA) negotiations between the players and the owners for umpteen million dollar player contracts, in another secret meeting, a rep for the player's union purchased the NBA. - - - - - * Passing by his house one day, I noticed one of my neighbors fishing in the "Fire Pond" (man-made lake for fighting fires) on his property. I stopped, went over to where he was casting and said, "Van ! You know damn right well there's no fish at all in that pond." He smirked and replied, "Yeah, I know Jim. But on the other hand, it's so damn convenient." - - - - - * When I was a Little League Baseball Coach I watched one boy strike out twice in practice. The third time, I grabbed the bat and said, "Now Watch !" and instructed our 12-year-old pitcher to throw me some hard stuff. After six successive swings and misses, I turned to the boy and said, "Now, that's what you've been doing. Let me see you get up there the next time and hit." - - - - - * Following yet another losing season, the Baltimore Ravens football team decided to give new draft picks an intelligence test. The coach asked the prospective LineBacker, "What do you think of the Middle East ?" "Well..." the player pondered, "I like Ohio pretty much." The coach replied, "Yeah, I guess Ohio's OK, but personally I like Kentucky better." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 06:16:13 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Great Imponderables! 1. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"? 2. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 3. Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car? 4. Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"? 5. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? 6. If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting? 7. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 8. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there? 9. When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception? 10. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 11. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? 12. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? 13. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode? 14. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 15. Why is there always one in every crowd? 16. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit? 17. Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? 18. Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop? 19. Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators? 20. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? (By Bill Defour) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 07:04:15 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: It's A Good Thing We Have The State Of Maryland A husband & wife from Maryland were walking down the street. The wife noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Her husband said, "Let me look." So his handed him the compact. The husband looked in the mirror then turned to his wife saying, "You dumbass! that's *me*! ---------------------------------------- A man from Maryland somehow slipped by the authorities and got into the beautiful province of Ontario. He walked into a neighborhood pub in to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw him. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. We know how prudish you folks are and there is a statue of a naked woman in there. She's only covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the man from Maryland, "I'll look the other way!" So, the bartender showed him the door at the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom and now the place is hopping again." "Well, now you're a bit normal and one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled man from Maryland. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?" ----------------------------- Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs. Science has railed against such simple beliefs for centuries. Last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible: "... and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young." And God spake, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit." Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?" And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters I do not need but two breasts." And God said, "Thou speakest wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom." There was a crack and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand. "Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman asked. And so it was, God created men from Maryland." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 08:26:03 -0500 From: "Linney E. Dew, II" Subject: Eurospin Amsterdam (AP/UPI) -- While the Lewinsky scandal continues to rage on the front of American newspapers, a much different reaction has developed on this side of the Atlantic. To world-wise, sophisticated Europeans, the spectacle is a curious sideshow and another reason to mock and disdain the puritan morals of their American counterparts. "You feelthy Americans, you make me seek," says sneering French graduate student Serge Tati, 47, expressing a common sentiment. Fashionably clad in a horizontal stripe t-shirt and skin-tight Speedo, he was recently relaxing on the Lido with his mistress Yvette LaFleur, 43. Like thousands of fellow French graduate students, he was enjoying his annual 28-week vacation. "Beel Clinton, he is Euro, no. He eez moderne, he eez now. He has joie de vivre. He ravages zee young geerls. In my country, we geeve heem a medal, no?" asks Tati, deeply drawing on a clove cigarette. "Oui, like Jerry Lewees," adds the topless LaFleur, carefully combing her armpit and leg hair. "And yet you treat heem like a common creeminal," noted Tati. "Ptui! You I speet on you, pheelistine American peegs! Wiss your 'amburgairs and tailfins and your soap! Ha-ha, we laugh at you!" he added, shaking his pinched fingers in a Euro-expression of disgust. The interview abruptly ended when a nearby sunbather was angered after being slapped by one of Tati's errant hand gestures. Tati and the subather proceeded to engage in a furious kicking and slapping fight, before fleeing in terror after spotting a German tourist. At EuroDisney in Fontainbleu, many visitors were likewise perplexed by America's scandal obsession." "Mitterand, he eez to having many affairs, no? We adore heem as a god," explains Jacqueline Robspierre, 28, an adverb specialist at the French Ministry of Language Purity. "You puny insignificant Americans, you treat Beel Clinton as eef he were a mere mortal." Herve Souci agrees. Like thousands of other EuroDisney workers, Souci,39, is on strike demanding government designation as an "artiste," which, if granted, will translate into a 47 week annual vacation. "Zee American 'how you say'-right-wingair, he eez blind. He cannot see zee simple beauty of Beel Clinton, of zee Jean-Luc Goddard feelm, of zee European football," says Souci, removing the head of his Mickey Mouse costume for a drink of wine. "Merde! How I pity and despise you," he adds, pausing to kick two children attempting to cross the picket line. Across the English Channel and long accustomed to their own lurid sex scandals, Britons appear to find the Lewinsky affair somewhat boring. At the Dog and Queen, a picturesque pub in London's Mayfair section, a group of locals discusses the scandal over a traditional lunch of boiled sheep pancreas, bitter spleen pie, rancid chocolate and warm beer. "We do have a 'special relationship' with you Yanks, but I must say you have gone a bit starkers over this Lewinsky business," laughs Nigel Ealing, 32, a quality reduction engineer at Jaguar. "It positively reminds one of your obsession with plumbing, dentistry and shampoo." Collin Framinghampton-Smythe, an unemployed soccer hooligan for Manchester United, agreed. "Bloody 'ell, you 'aven't got a single snapshot of 'er knickers." "Shut your bloody gob, ye wee bastard," added his friend Derek Hobson, playfully smashing a pint glass into Framinghampton-Smythe's face, dislodging four of his remaining teeth before vomiting on the snooker table. In Amsterdam, perhaps Europe's most cosmopolitan city, the locals openly laugh at the perceived Puritanism of their American cousins. "Americans, they must have hangups, many many hangups, not like we open-minded Dutch," says leather-hooded, whip-wielding Mistress Dominique, 67, a performer at Amsterdam's Elderslutz, a government-operated live sex show featuring senior citizens. The show was created by the Dutch government to provide jobs for unemployed elderly prostitutes. Bart TenBoek, 42, a government-employed heroin addict, agrees. "Bill Clinton is a hero. He is a model of Eurostyle for the backward Americans. No. Wait a minute. He is a tree. A big glowing, pink tree. Flying across the sky making a beautiful, beautiful rainbow," notes TenBoek, laughing uncontrollably as he collapses into a fetal position. In Milan, where "amore" is way of life, the citizenry is solidly behind President Clinton. "Si, Beel Clinton is multi bello," say Giancarlo Leone, 32, an unemployed movie extra and father of twelve. "He is 'how you say' my-a hero." "Ciao, bella! Bellisima, Bellisima," he compliments a passing girl, pausing to make smooching sounds as he pinches her hindquarters. "Ow!" he adds painfully, fleeing on his rusting Vespa to avoid another flowerpot from his wife, who is screaming from a nearby balcony. In faraway Barcelona, Juan Ortega has similar sentiments. "Si, I tink de Americans, dey not like Meester Cleenton too good enough," says Ortega, who had a Coke concession at the 1992 Olympics, but has since been unemployed. "Dey should love heem, like we love paella or Generalissimo Franco." Helga Ericksson, 54, an official with the Swedish Ministry of Furniture and Suicide in Stockholm, agrees. "Yah, Americans are fascists. They moost embrace Clinton. Like ve Svedes embrace depression and death." Germans Dieter Schaden, 28, and Igo Reinholdt, 34, have a message for scandal-obsessed Americans. "Ja, get mitten der twentiest century," says the couple, between acts of their bondage and discipline show at a dark Berlin discotheque. Jane, style editor at the New York Times and a longtime Europhile, feels embarrassment over American scandalmania. "All across the continent, they are laughing at our backward, prudish, puritan morals. I almost feel too ashamed to go to there anymore," she says, sipping a cup of black espresso. Kirschner thinks the continentals are on to something. "We have a lot to learn from them. Americans need to become more open-minded and jaded. We need to adopt sophisticated European ways, like $8 per gallon gasoline and 145% tax brackets." The recent election gives Kirschner some hope,though. "Apparently, Americans aren't as hung up on this scandal as the media thought. Thankfully, we are becoming more like the Europeans." (Original source unknown.) ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Linney E. Dew, II e-mail: dewhead@mindspring.com I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 10:33:17 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Weird Business News #12 (3rd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Extra accommodations. Our Say What? Award to the Rihga Royal Hotel in New York City. According to trade magazine Travel Weekly, the hotel has equipped 100 of its suites with the Electronic Toilet Bidet Seat, which includes a heated, ergonomically designed seat with an anti-slam lid, water jets with a choice of oscillating or pulsing actions and retractable nozzles. The hotel's general manager said, "It's just one more way that the Rihga Royal Hotel New York takes care of travelers from the bottom up." Our Where's the Anti-Viagra? Award to Ford Motor Co., which developed an old-guy suit -- bulk added to its knees, elbows, stomach and back, and gloves that reduce the sense of touch -- so its young engineers can put on the suit and better understand how to design cars for older drivers. From a usually unreliable source, the Internet, comes these items, which purport to be actual comments made on employee evaluations. * "This individual has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." * "His men would follow him anywhere, but only from morbid curiosity." * "I would not allow this individual to breed." * "Not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." * "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. He only gargled." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 11:55:50 -0500 From: rlb Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 3 Feb 1999 to 4 Feb 1999 Maurizio: >Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 12:47:04 +0200 >From: Maurizio Mariotti >Subject: Business >Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. --- 8< snip! ---------------------------------------------------- >and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to >tell us how to run our business!" Cute. In the version of this that I heard before (when I was working for Arthur Andersen, a worldwide consultancy and accountancy) the meddler was a hotshot business consultant from a worldwide consultancy and accountancy whose name I won't mention. Bob Istanbul --- Kanyak's Doghouse ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 11:36:59 -0800 From: "Fong, Dara" Subject: new software > This memo is to announce the development of a new software system > which will be Year 2000 compliant. Known as: > > "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). > > Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to > everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that > all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We > have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person > at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS > expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This > morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised > to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less > technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. > > Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never > put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and > afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was > actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to > kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in > MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and > we > were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be > required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all > information associated with the business. As you begin using the > program, > feel > free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we > envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand > work > to an > employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great > day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it > is, I just pulled it out of MYASS. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 15:28:41 -0500 From: Steve and Cindy Subject: Creative thinking 101 What to say if.... you get caught sleeping in your cubicle... It worked well for Reagan, didn't it? It's okay... I'm still billing the client. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to. I was working smarter, not harder. Whew! Thanks for waking me up! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! You know, this is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! Oh, I'm sorry... They told me at the blood bank this might happen. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance This is a comp-time swap in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about my job and improvements at work! I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga? OH, Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.. the alpha rhythms were coming in perfectly... The coffee machine is broke.... Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.... It's not my fault! Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off! Really, I was just cross-training for telecommuting. Not sleeping. Trying to pick up contact without hands. The mailman freaked and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot... you better lie down too! Gee boss, I thought you were gone for the day. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 19:09:48 EST From: Clare Haney Subject: Baseball An Irishman, visiting his brother in the United States, was taken to a baseball game. He watched intently as a man came up to the plate carrying a large stick. Another man threw a ball at him, which he hit with the stick and began running very fast down a painted line to a bag lying in the dirt. The crowd shouted: "Run! Run!". The next man came up to the plate, and the process repeated. Again, the crowd shouted: "Run! Run!". The third man came up, but let ball after ball go by without swinging his stick. Finally, he dropped the stick and slowly walked down the line. The Irishman stood up and shouted "Run! Run!". His brother said to him: "He doesn't have to run, he has four balls". The Irishman shouted: "Walk with pride man! Walk with pride!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 20:30:17 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Shingles More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY http2//www.raneboux.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 20:06:08 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Little Pig Medically these days, we have to worry not only about human diseases, but diseases of our companion and service animals. The possibility of the prions responsible for mad cow disease being transmitted to humans is of considerable recent notoriety in the media. Oprah has just been the tip of the iceberg, to mix a metaphor. Iowa pig farmers have an additional worry -- that the mad cow disease may be transmitted to pigs resulting in mad pig disease. In other words, they are worried about . . . the daze of swine neurosis. (By Patrick Hester) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 19:47:13 -0800 From: Keith Sullivan Subject: Hitchcock's Elevator Story HITCHCOCK'S ELEVATOR STORY "Well, it was a quite shocking, I must say -- there was blood everywhere!" Alfred Hitchcock began suddenly from the rear of the elevator. We were in the New York St. Regis Hotel, heading down to the lobby. There was as light flush to his cheeks from the several frozen daiquiris he had just drunk in his suite. The elevator had just stopped and 3 people dressed for the evening had joined us, and immediately Mr. Hitchcock had started to speak, sounding as though he were in mid-sentence and projecting in that careful and familiar TV tone of his. He went on, "There was as stream of blood coming from his ear and another from his mouth. The people had recognized him immediately, but now they seemed purposely to avoid looking at him. He went right on, gazing beatifically ahead of him as the elevator stopped again and another well-dressed couple came aboard: "Of course, there was a huge pool of blood on the floor and his clothes were spattered with it -- Oh, it was a horrible mess." No one on the elevator, it seemed, was breathing. "Blood all around! Well, I looked at the poor man and I said, 'Good God, What happened to you?'" At that point the elevator doors opened onto the lobby, and Hitchcock said, "Do you know what he told me?" and then paused. After a moment, and quite reluctantly, the other passengers moved out of the elevator and then looked back at the director as we walked away. After several foggy moments, I asked, "Well, what DID he say?" and Hitchcock smiled benevolently, taking my arm, and said, "Oh, nothing -- that's just my elevator story." -- Peter Bogdonavich, in April Harper's Magazine Scott E. Patrick Keith Bostic ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Feb 1999 to 5 Feb 1999 **********************************************