From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, March 03, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Mar 1999 to 3 Mar 1999 There are 13 messages totalling 541 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Paranoids in CyberSpace 2. A matter of giving 3. Furniture Shopping 4. Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much Of the 90's 5. Legal Expense Fund 6. small TOWNS 7. Rats! 8. Weird Business News #13 (1st of 3) 9. Y zero K 10. The Tree Surgeon (Pun) 11. How to Date: Virgo 12. Rainbow's End 13. Chinese lesson ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 03:20:11 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Paranoids in CyberSpace Seems anyone with a computer and a modem can hatch a wacky theory and post it on the Net. Consider some of the following... * Is Clinton a pawn who's outlived his usefulness ? According to Conspiracy Nation and Rumor Mill News he is. Clinton's even supposed to have been a spy during his Oxford Days. - - - - - * A cabal of the rich and powerful are plotting a New World Order and Clinton's impeachment was either designed by them or warring factions within the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). - - - - - * Chief Justice William Rehniquist's stripped robe was a sign that the Senate Trial was a clandestine military court-martial to try Clinton for unstated war crimes. - - - - - * Hillary Clinton along with Linda Tripp, Lucianne Goldberg, Monica Lewinsky, Sect of State Madeline Albright and poet Maya Angelou are part of a Feminist Network seeking to control the government. - - - - - * Clinton is to declare a State of Emergency during a real or faked natural disaster (such as Y2K), invoke Martial Law and declare himself President for life. - - - - - * Both computer monitors and TVs are emitting "orgone rays" (a mind controlling wave, previously thought debunked). Your only defense is the old stand-by aluminum foil helmet. - - - - - * Fluoride manipulated American minds to see the Clinton scandal as only about sex and thus miss the real implications involving the CIA & Incan extraterrestrial religious sects to control the world. - - - - - * Clinton is a communist seeking to weaken the US. Proof is offered by his deals with China and Russia as well as the Justice Dept's attempts to bring down MicroSoft. Source: Eric Lipton Chicago Tribune (No URL's were given in the article) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 UGA Message Board: http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 UGA Yahoo Club: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 10:29:41 +0200 From: Felix Chirciu Subject: A matter of giving Isaac goes out for a swim in the pond. But he's not such a good swimmer and somehow he misjudges the depth; so he finds himself in the middle of the pond without being able to touch the bottom and panics. "Help! Help!" he starts screaming. The local fisherman rows his boat to Isaac and shouts: "Give me your hand!" "I give you NOTHING!" says Isaac, and drowns. --- Felix ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 06:18:39 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Furniture Shopping An elderly gentleman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a young salesperson. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" she asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa," the old gent replied. "You mean a sectional sofa," she suggested. "Sectional, schmectional," he bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!" (Thanks to Martin Dubno) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 07:05:01 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much Of the 90's 22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. 19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. 18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. 17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. 16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical. 14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more. 11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits. 10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work. 9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors. 4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's: 1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 08:37:16 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Legal Expense Fund Give to the President's LEGAL EXPENSE FUND! "Please feel MY pain!" -- WJC I don't condone his behavior. [ ] Put me down for $25. Yes, I want to be an Enabler. [ ] I'll pony up $50. He's never assaulted ME! [ ] I'll gladly give $75. What Republicans *might* do is far worse than anything the President has *ever* done. [ ] Here's my $100 contribution. He's the most moral President we've ever had from the waist up. [ ] Please accept my $500 with pride. Hollywood loves him, and Hollywood knows what's good for us... right? [ ] I'm kicking in $10,000. -- HiTcH Worcester (MA) Telegram ************************************* Leaders go down in history... Some farther down than others. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 12:44:40 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: small TOWNS The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what life's like there. My hometown was so small... * the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill * long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy * the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight * in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened * instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols * you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter * during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter * the local Motel 6 sleeps six * during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner * the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages * the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper * we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up * the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik * before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home * there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns Credit to : Nutty Humor -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 19:01:26 GMT From: Catweasel Subject: Rats! A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer " Trust me, I'm a doctor. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org Today's assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 13:18:13 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Weird Business News #13 (1st of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WELCOME to a new month and an old subject -- Weird Business News. A Sign of the Times, submitted by reader Mark Arnold. From a muffler shop at Fondren and Westpark in Houston. "Your car has the right to remain silent." Our Consummating the Deal Award to Michael Waldau. His company got a letter from Israel that began, "After more than a year, since we mate in Houston, I'm happy to have another opportunity to do together with you ... " Our Don't Tell Greenpeace Award to China, which has instituted the death sentence for developers who violate zoning laws. Best Company Name to New Pig Corp. of Tipton, Pa., which supplies cleaning and maintenance products to industry. Second Best Company Name to Pervasive Software of Washington, D.C. Our The Judge Should Have Known He Would Lose Award to ABC Television. An appeals court agreed the network did not defame a San Francisco judge it said used a crystal ball to buttress his legal rulings. Our Please Lord, Let the Millennium Be Over Award to the University of Houston College of Optometry for the following press release headline: "Optometric Educators Expect New Ways of Doing Business During the New Millennium." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 16:58:12 -0500 From: "Aditya, the ]-[indu $kepti" Subject: Y zero K While browsing through material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister factorium," or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, 2 BC, December 3 -- about 2,000 years ago. The text of the message follows: "Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? The change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downward forever, now we have to start thinking upward. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at the last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus had turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upward. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. We're continuing to work on the Y zero K problem and I'll send you a parchment if anything develops. Best regards, Plutonius" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 19:04:22 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Tree Surgeon (Pun) We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight. We sought professional help and had a tree surgeon come and look at it. In his assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even more concerned with the deep cracks in the bark, In fact, he said, ... This tree s bark is worse than its blight. (By Barry Bates) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 09:30:23 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: How to Date: Virgo August 23-September 23 - Virgo How To Date A Virgo Female If you are dating a Virgo female, be on time when you arrive in your Mercedes to take her out for health food. Borrow the car if you have to. Do not pick her up in your unwashed car, with the baby car carrier. She isn't interested in ready made families. Wear the latest in fashion, and above all, have a manicure. Virgo females notice everything! Have a degree, be a professional, know everyone who is anyone. Exude confidence. Stay away from the bar where you were 86'd! Do not have other girlfriends. Virgo females are shy and sometimes aloof. That does not mean they don't like you. It takes several dates for them to decide if they want you. They are neat freaks, and don't want to pick up after you. Be toilet trained! If you tell her you are going to do something at 6 pm, then do it. Virgo females can drop you for little things like that. Don't quit trying, if you care about her. They only love a handful of men, and you won't have any competition. Just be real! Quality is important to female Virgos. Virgo females are usually career minded, but they will marry. How To Date A Virgo Male If you are dating a Virgo male, go slowly. They hate to make mistakes. He will take you out to nice clean respectable establishments, and go to the movies with you. He does not go out dancing or rabble rousing with the guys. He is a solitary person, whose social group is small. Virgo males are inclined to computers, and the geeky stuff. However, he could balance your checkbook for you. Do not dress like a slut. Be chic! Have no children from previous marriages. Don't be too talkative. He shies away from party animals. He wants to date someone with a purpose in life. Be interesting, and invite him to your workplace. He can visualize his name hyphenated after yours on the nameplate on your desk. Virgo men can be workaholics, that way they can avoid "nooners". Virgo males are not usually sexually promiscuous. Sex won't happen until you push for it, but be sure to have your STD test results handy. He will marry you in time, lots of time, be patient. Your Virgo male won't divorce you, once in love, it's for keeps! Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 20:11:13 -0800 From: Keith Sullivan Subject: Rainbow's End RAINBOW'S END Madison Park resident Wayne Wilson paused to admire a spectacular rainbow Wednesday evening. As he walked toward Lake Washington, he noticed the rainbow's end was exactly where it ought to be -- directly over Bill and Melinda Gates' home. Jean Godden, February 26, 1999 Copyright ) 1999 Seattle Times Company ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 00:23:12 -0500 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: Chinese lesson Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes English phrase ------------ Chinese Interpretation Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. --Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man --Dum Gai Small Horse --Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high!! --No Bai Dam Ding!! Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table --Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift --Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here --Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? --Hao Long Wei Ting? I thought you were on a diet --Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? --Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? You are not very bright --Yu So Dum I got this for free --Ai No Pei I am not seeing another woman! --Wai Shu Mi? Please, stay a while longer. --Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week --Wai Yu Kum Nao They have arrived -- Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight -- Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile --Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive -- Yu stin ki pu Pew! does this bathroom stink! -- Hu Flung Dung? ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Mar 1999 to 3 Mar 1999 **********************************************