From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Thursday, March 04, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Mar 1999 to 4 Mar 1999 There are 12 messages totalling 504 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Shape She's In... 2. Top5 - 3/3/99 -- Surprises During Monica's Interview 3. Glass Pants 4. A thought on the Corporate structure 5. Female Perspective On Oral Sex (adult) 6. "BOO"!! 7. Why is It? 8. Kissing the frog 9. Weird Business News #13 (2nd of 3) 10. Ridding urself of Telemarketers 11. The Gift (Pun) 12. How to Date: Libra ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 03:42:28 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: The Shape She's In... * One stroke of her lipstick brought out her lips... One good sneeze however brought out her teeth * She claimed to have an eighteen inch waist... Through the middle maybe * She only had one tooth in her mouth... When she gave ya a hickey, it had a hole in the center * I'm not saying she was bow-legged... But they hung her over the back door for good luck * She had an unimpeachable figure... No appeal at all !!! * Then there was the Yuppette who was a tad overweight... She had an unlisted dress size * I'm not saying she's too thin... She once got a run in her pantyhose and fell out of them * She has some many chins... It looks like she's peeking over a stack of pancakes * She admits to having a boyish figure... and that's straight from the shoulder * She's the picture of health... Unfortunately, the frame isn't * She's so thin, when asked to turn sideways... She just turns her head * She doesn't know why she's overweight, being a light eater... Yeah ! As soon as it gets light, she starts eating * She's still an old maid at 75... Always walked the straight and marrow - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999: (text) http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 UGA Message Board: http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 UGA Yahoo Club: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 06:00:20 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 3/3/99 -- Surprises During Monica's Interview ================================================================ March 3, 1999 NOTE FROM CHRIS: Tonight's the night! Monica Lewinksy's first big television interview, with Barbara Walters on ABC's "20/20." Of course, Top5 was wondering what surprises the First Mistress might have for us, so we got out the ol' crystal ball... The Top 13 Revelations in Barbara Walters' Interview with Monica Lewinsky 13> She just did it all to meet Roger Clinton. 12> "Bill CLINTON?!? All this time, I thought they were saying Bill *CLIFTON*, this guy I met at Starbucks! Hey, everybody, never mind, okay? My bad." 11> Deal with Ken Starr included private "oral deposition" and "lapdance for immunity." 10> Monica admits the President's DNA was on that blue dress, but she swears the stain was already there when she borrowed the dress from Mr. Stephanopoulos. 9> The President was really sorry there wasn't more room under his desk for snuggling. 8> While in the throes of passion, Bill promised Monica Delaware and Rhode Island. 7> The most powerful man on the planet is deathly afraid of teeth. 6> She never actually wore a thong; her size 14 ass just made it look that way. 5> It's damn near impossible to say "fellatio" without an "L" sound. 4> There's a 200-year-old collection of Presidential chewing gum under the Oval Office desk. 3> Pet name for the Presidential appendage: "Little Rock" 2> Things really got confusing when the president suggested she "Take a trip to Mount Vernon." and Topfive.com's Number 1 Revelation in Barbara Walters' Interview with Monica Lewinsky... 1> She's a vapid, brainless dullard desperate for any pitiful shred of media exposure. And we learn some things about Monica as well. [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ] ================================================================ Rumination of the Day I'm saving all the info I can find regarding the Y2K problem. That way I'll be ready for Y3K next year. (Thanks to Bob Williams) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 06:16:11 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Glass Pants A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!" The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants. The woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't sell those." The man argued that the sign stated that the store sold everything. The woman remarked that glass pants did not even exist. The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of glass pants. The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you that they existed!" The woman said, "At first I thought you were crazy.....but now I see you're nuts!" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 13:20:25 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: A thought on the Corporate structure An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 07:07:09 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Female Perspective On Oral Sex (adult) 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls, if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 09:07:14 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: "BOO"!! Have you ever made love to a ghost? "I'm the best!" he said with a boast... "I never get tired, I can't be a sire, and my rod is as hard as a post." "I'll make love to you all night, and not once give you a fright. You'll never get sore, I promise you more than anyone else has a right." She just didn't know what to do... Should she let him until he was through? A most tempting offer, straight from the coffer, and not once had he said "Boo!" And soon a soft little ghost kiss convinced her she didn't want to miss a rare opportunity, with no real impunity, to enjoy the entire night's bliss. (via Aurora32, "Jokeman") ****************************************** I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 09:09:44 -0500 From: Patrick Ash Subject: Why is It? Why is it that ... When a man talks dirty to a woman, it is sexual harassment When a woman talks dirty to a man, it is $2.95/minute? ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 17:07:59 +0200 From: Felix Chirciu Subject: Kissing the frog (original source unknown) A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero. I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want". The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool". --- Felix ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 13:48:14 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Weird Business News #13 (2nd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Befuddled in Havana The Fractured English Award to the Nacional Hotel in Havana, Cuba, for the following statement -- as reported in trade magazine Travel Weekly. "Towels change. You may collaborate to reduce at the minimum the environment ecological impact put them on the washroom ramrod or leave them on the floor, if you want them to be changed. If you hang them we will figure you will use them again." Reader Al Schuller fantasizes that the Fairchild Corp. and Honeywell will merge, creating a new company, Farewell Honeychild. Our Cringe Award to the Lanacane Itch Information Center for its creation of the Lanacane Dry Itchy Skin Index. They say the itchiest city in the United States is Cheyenne, Wyo. The I Never Got Past the First Paragraph Award to the press release that started, "What do baby diapers and teabags have in common?" Runner-up in the above award: "What does Jerry Seinfeld have in common with Cookie Monster, penguins and five baseball fans with painted chests?" The Let's Hear It for Global Warming Award to Quaker Oats Co., which reported earnings rose 42 percent as unseasonably warm weather boosted sales of Gatorade sports drink, more than offsetting a decline in oatmeal sales. An admonition to all those companies that build oversized copies of everyday objects, hoping a journalist will be dumb enough to write about them. Police in Nakorn Pathom, Thailand, reported five people died when what was claimed to be the world's tallest incense sticks -- 90 feet high -- collapsed into a crowd. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 17:19:39 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Ridding urself of Telemarketers "Hello?" "Hello! Mr. Michaels?" "Speaking." "How are you today?" "OK so far..." "My name is Debbie from Pointless Industries, and I'm calling to offer you a fabulous new offer that we are offering...." "Who is this really?" "My name is Debbie from---" "How did you get this number?" "Well.. you are on our list of preferred---" "Listen to me, and listen good! You tell Hugo and his goons I lived up to my end of the deal! I cut up the bodies like he said, I ditched the car like he said, now I'm out of it, understand? You tell him he bothers me or my family again and I take everything I know to the Man, and don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about!" Credit to: ERnie's House of Whoop -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY http2//www.raneboux.com ::::::::::::::::::::: ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 16:33:25 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Gift (Pun) A German farmer with relatives in the U. S. sent them a package consisting of some pork sausages made from his old pig. When they complained that the package had not yet arrived, he wrote: . . . "Cheer up. The wurst is yet to come." Pun of the Day: What do zombies do? Zombies make honey; others just buzz and sting. (By Cynthia MacGregor) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Mar 1999 09:27:43 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: How to Date: Libra September 24-October 23 - Libra How to Date A Libra Female If you are dating a Libra female, take her to a wine tasting, the theatre, your Cousin's wedding, anyplace sociable. She likes elegance and beauty. Dress in your Sunday best. Bring her flowers, cards and special little feminine gifts. She'll be thoughtful too. Although Libra women are the ultimate in fashion and femininity, they are big flirts. However, underneath it all, they really want to be married to one darling man, who will romance them eternally. Flirt back with her, she loves little games. You can fall in love anytime you want to with her. Your car isn't as important, as how you treat her. Gently please, no conflict! Your Libra female probably won't have children, but she will have her fluffy lap dog, everywhere you go. She isn't the type to cheat on you, unless you forget about romance. Your occupation isn't that important. Be sure to earn enough money to support her frequent shopping trips to the mall. She loves to decorate, so step back at home. You can do the outside domestic duties. You get to wash the car and mow the lawn. When you propose to her, present her with your poetic love vows, and promise to hire a maid for her. Libra females love to be married! How To Date A Libra Male If you are dating a Libra male, your first date will be in a romantic restaurant, highlighted with a wonderful wine list. During dinner just smile and be sweet. Libra men don't like vulgarity in any form. Dress tastefully, and do use your flower scented perfume. He loves women who dress up, wear jewelry, use makeup, and are happy being feminine. He is fascinated with fantasy, including sexual fantasy. Don't discuss your recent love life, or ex-husbands. He could care less about your children, or desire to have them. Don't be argumentative. Libra males hate conflict. You can discuss your latest painting, the last book you read, or what your plans are for interior decorating. Libra males love cozy fires, and sensuous females near it. Fore play is a big high for Libra males. He is not a wimp, by any means, although, he loves to please! Yes, he would be your sex slave, provided you tease him a lot. At work, he is a fair boss, but at home he loves to be used! Libra males will stay in a bad marriage. Flirting gets them into trouble. Marriage is part of his ultimate plan. Just make certain he is single, when you decide to date your Libra male! Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Mar 1999 to 4 Mar 1999 **********************************************