From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Friday, April 02, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Apr 1999 to 2 Apr 1999 There are 11 messages totalling 448 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. April Fool's Day 2. Bob's New Membership (adult) 3. Old Man Villager 4. Happy Easter 5. Wisdom Chant for the day >humor< 6. Passover 7. Glib comments & questions about contemporary life 8. Testing in Heaven (off. to Hindus, Christians and groundhogs) 9. The English Rider (Pun) 10. PROGRAMMERS DRINKING SONG 11. Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1999 03:55:00 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: April Fool's Day April Fool's Day (April 1st) is traditionally the day where people play pranks on others. Although most Americans think the day is a US tradition, it began in France in 1564 and spread to England in the 1600's. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - * Mrs JimJr gets her kicks in too from time to time. Away for a two week seminar, I called her, and after she said "Hello", I said, "I wish I were there now. I'd tear all your clothes off, embrace you madly and then make passionate love." There was a pause, and then she said, "Who is this ???" - - - - - * A Yuppie rushed into the Columbia Pharmacy and frantically said, "Quick Doc -- I've swallowed some herbicide and must have an antidote." The pharmacist, thinking a prank was being played on him, replied, "You've come to the right place. It seems there was an Irishman, a Priest and a Rabbi..." - - - - - * I will confess to being somewhat of a prankster, just to watch the reaction from my victim. For reasons of their own my GrandChildren wanted a cat. I saw an ad for a "Free to good home Persian." The woman began extolling the bloodline, virtues, training, etc., when I interrupted with: "Never mind all that lady -- is he tender ?" - - - - - * The Navy always tries to discourage "sick call" to keep the sailors on duty. Two Corpsmen were standing around when a new Seamen entered Sick Bay. The sailor asked if the ship's doctor was any good. "Good ?" said one Corpsman. "He doesn't fool around at all. A guy came in with cramps and the doc cut off his foot." "And remember the guy with erysipelas ?" asked the second Corpsman. "The doc lobbed off his right ear." The sailor, turned a pale shade of green and said, "I'll be back later. I've just got a mild case of jock rash." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999: (text) http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 UGA Message Board: http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 UGA Yahoo Club: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1999 05:38:25 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Bob's New Membership (adult) Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me? "Bob replies "No, what do you mean?" "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?". Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a smallfraction of our facilities." Bob replies, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1999 06:11:41 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Old Man Villager A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any memorable events in = his life.=20 The old man says "well one time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbor= s=20 got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally=20 found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and one by one started screwing= =20 the donkey, it was a lot of fun."=20 The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked th= e=20 old man to tell him another story.=20 The old man said: "well, one time my neighbor=92s wife got lost, so me an= d all=20 the village men got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked an= d=20 looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the vodka and one by one=20 screwed the neighbor=92s wife. It was a lot of fun."=20 The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn't write= =20 articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad=20 memories that he could talk about.=20 The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said:=20 "Well, there was that one time I was lost........" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1999 10:24:10 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Happy Easter Yesterday I passed a sign for a store selling "Easter Barbie" dolls. I started to wonder just what an Easter Barbie could be. Barbie in a bunny suit? No, that's the somewhat redundant "Playboy Barbie." Then it dawned on me.... Easter Barbie means when you open the box, Barbie's gone! ----------------------------- Happy Easter, everyone; I'm outa here for a long weekend. Don't worry, though - after three days, I'll rise again.... DOH!!! ************************************************************** Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1999 10:13:59 -0500 From: Jim Mica Subject: Wisdom Chant for the day >humor< I would like to share an old Native American chant to ward off harm & gain wisdom. It goes like this: (Repeat as a chant) Oh wah Ta foo Lie am As you repeat it more often and more quickly, it's message becomes clear and you will become wise! Try it. It works!! (original source unknown) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1999 15:28:08 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Passover HAGGADAH HAVE HEART by Marty Goldensohn This year, we're doing Gotham Passover again. Have you heard about this? Very urban and idealistic. The table is set with matzoh, grits, goat cheese, flan, turkey, wasabi, and other traditional foods. At our house, Uncle Red leads the service. "Who knows the ten plagues of Gotham by heart?" asks Uncle Red. "I do," answers nephew Sasha. "Alternate-side-of-the-street parking, roaches, landlords, crack, handguns, homelessness, teen pregnancy, HIV, and 60 kids to a classroom." "That's only nine plagues," Mom points out. "De-funding the third-born welfare child," adds my sister Ellen. "That's right," says Uncle Red. "And how come we eat matzoh?" It is little Rosie's turn to answer. "We eat the flat unleavened bread," she says, "to remind us of the flight of the middle class from the city. When the tax base failed to rise, the infrastructure crumbled like dry crackers." The proud relatives clap for Rosie, who has studied her Gotham Haggadah so well. "And why do we eat these bitter herbs?" Uncle Red asks. Cousin Merle has the answer. "We partake of the wasabi, the green Japanese horseradish," she says, "to remind us of the bitterness of deindustrialization, which our ancestors blamed on Toyota." "Yes, that was before the Chrysler Minivan," adds Uncle Red. "Also, the wasabi recalls Bush the Education Pharoah, who threw up his sushi during a foreign trade mission, worsening the balance of payments." "Why grits with goat cheese?" asks Uncle Milton. "Grits mixed with goat cheese reminds us of the terrible estrangement between the races, which leaves a bad taste in our mouths," answers Cousin Julia. "Yeah, why can't we all just get along?" asks Cousin Steve. "That's not one of the ten questions," snaps Aunt Mathilde. "I know that," says Steve. "It's Rodney King." "Well, pipe down and tell us: Why on this night does Uncle Louis recline in the Baralounger?" says Uncle Red. "Because he's 89 years old," says Steve. "No," Uncle Red corrects him, "it's to remind us of the homeless who never have a comfortable place to sit." "And why do we eat flan for dessert?" asks Mom. "This custard," Louis answers, "reminds us of the sweetness of the 1996 World Series in the Bronx, when the hardships of everyday life melted away." "And why do we eat turkey rather than steak or duck?" asks my Dad. "Because," says Mom, "Turkey is still 69 cents a pound, and there are 42 of us here. Who are we, Donald Trump?" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1999 19:20:05 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Glib comments & questions about contemporary life I have what no millionaire has: no money! I think Jerry Springer has been moonlighting as a mediator for the Balkans. To my husband's mistress: I am the one who will get dressed up on Sunday and go visit the five kids. Think about it. I'll admit that the last fight I had with my wife was my fault. She asked me what was on the television, and I said dust. Do you sometimes get the impression that your primary care physician is really just a super salesman for his favorite pharmaceutical company? This is a telemarketer and I'm calling to say we keep calling until you buy or until you die. When I speak to a telemarketer I tell them my lawyer has advised me not to buy anything until my bankruptcy case is settled. They don't call back. Rich people trouble: "Honey, do we tell others that we own two Lexuses or two Lexi?" I fell like I'm parking diagonally in a parallel universe. Today, I got a mailing from an "intellectual" New York City publication appealing to me to subscribe. "Think for yourself," the publisher wrote. "Just send in our card." I thought for myself; I threw the card away. My daugher is a `90s kind of gal: She faxes me to say she just sent me an e-mail. Then she calls to make sure I got the fax. I see the State Legislature got its raise and my grandchildren are still going to school in trailers. Next year I'm going to winterize my lawnmower properly. Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/thevent ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1999 17:44:55 -0700 From: Emko Witteveen Subject: Testing in Heaven (off. to Hindus, Christians and groundhogs) To be spoken in an East Indian accent. Three Hindus had died and they decided to go to the Christian heaven and see if it is what it's all cracked up to be. On arrival they where greeted by St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter upon seeing these soles wasn't sure if they were indeed true Christians. He asked them and they replied that they are true to the Christian faith. Upon further examinations of his registry, St. Peter couldn't fine them anywhere in his logs. To make things easier for all, St. Peter suggested that he would give them a test to see if they were Christians. He then took the first one aside and asked him what Easter meant to him. "Easter is a very important holiday, everyone dresses in a scary costume and go to house to house and scare the occupants into giving up some food stuff, usually candy and apples." Poof! And he was sent to Hindu heaven. St. Peter then took the second one aside and asked: "what does Easter mean to you?" The second one replied: "Easter is a very important Christian holiday. It is celebrated by decorating one's dwelling with brightly coloured lights to entice the landing of a jolly fat elf in his sled pulled by eight tiny reindeer to leave gifts under a tree". Poof! And the Hindu was sent to his own heaven. To the third he asked him the same question. "Easter is a most important of all the Christian holidays; it celebrates the crucifixion of a man for teaching peace and brotherhood. He dies on the cross and is buried and on the third day he arose and if he should see his shadow we all can expect six more weeks of inclement weather. *Poof* ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1999 19:19:43 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The English Rider (Pun) In the late 1800?s, not wanting to be outdone by American rodeo, an English fellow decided to become a Rodeo star. Not having a horse, or any cattle, he cast about for some way to perform. His vocation was building outhouses, and he had several samples behind his house. He had also installed a couple of standing gas lamps in his yard. As a start, he decided that lassoing these objects would be good practice. After all, he reasoned, they may not be moving targets, but at least he could get the hang of the rope. Now he needed a mount. Not having a horse, he thought a bicycle would be a good substitute, and so he grabbed a coil of rope, hopped on his bicycle and off he went. He was phenomenally successful, and quickly got the hang of it. Each day a friend of his would stop by to watch and give encouragement. Upon showing up one day, after the Englishman had been practicing for a couple of weeks, the friend noticed that the Englishman had taken to riding with no hands, and whirling two lassoes at the same time. The Englishman proceed to lasso an outhouse, then immediately followed with a perfect throw over one of the lamps, all the while singing out, . . . "Here we go loop the loo, here we go loop the light!" (By Clynch Varnadore) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 04:24:07 GMT From: Michael Mullen Subject: PROGRAMMERS DRINKING SONG Date: Thu, 18 Mar 1999 00:20:00 -0500 (EST) =46rom: Rebecca Mercuri Subject: Y2K alert! --- Forwarded mail from a colleague at Disney --- =46INALLY! A Programmers Drinking Song! Woo! Hoo! PROGRAMMERS DRINKING SONG: 99 little bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile it again, 101 little bugs in the code. 101 little bugs in the code..... (Repeat until BUGS =3D 0) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 00:13:37 -0500 From: Steve and Cindy Subject: Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age 1. 'Ome is where you 'ang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust. 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like http://www.home.com 23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Apr 1999 to 2 Apr 1999 **********************************************