From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, April 03, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Apr 1999 to 3 Apr 1999 There are 6 messages totalling 298 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Yuppie Encounters 2. It Was A Tall Task.... 3. The Wit of Stephen Wright 4. In Memory of Odie the duck 3-30/4/02/99 5. Holiday Greetings (Puns) 6. The Entertainment of Pysicists ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 05:01:04 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Yuppie Encounters * It's easy to estimate your bill at any of the Yuppie hotels in Columbia Maryland. Just think of the highest amount you can possibly imagine, then add 35 per cent. - - - - - * Arriving at an upscale hotel in Columbia, the traveler said to the desk clerk, "I'll have the hundred dollar suite my good man." The clerk reached under the counter and handed the man a large candy bar. - - - - - * At the same hotel, one guest was telling another that he was astonished to find a seven-piece orchestra in the men's room. "Exactly." replied his fellow guest. "I should think a pianist and a violinist would be more than sufficient." - - - - - * I seldom donate to door-to-door solicitors, choosing instead voluntary payroll deductions to a central charity. Rather than explain all this, I try to discourage the collectors. One evening a Yuppette knocked on my door and said, "Hello, I'm Myra from Meals on Wheels." I replied, "Great !!! You got here just in time. I'm hungry as hell." - - - - - * My neighbor, Babette, delights in Yuppie bashing as much as I do. At a party in Columbia Maryland recently, one Yuppette was holding court about the "Upstart Westerners" (those of us who live in the western portion of Howard County). When the Yuppette noticed Babette intently listening, she stopped in mid-sentence. Babette smiling graciously said, "That's OK darlin' rave-on. After all, you only have eight more lives to live." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999: (text) http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 UGA Message Board: http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 UGA Yahoo Club: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 06:09:06 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: It Was A Tall Task.... A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!" "Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion. So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night. The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after that? Was she all right?" The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me back to her place to spend the night." "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion. "Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 09:33:51 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: The Wit of Stephen Wright 1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? 3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. 4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? 5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? 7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." 8. So what's the speed of dark? 9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow? 10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? 11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? 12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? 13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. 14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? 15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? 16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 17. When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. 18. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? 19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? 20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? 21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? 22. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? 24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? 25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? 26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? 27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? 28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? 29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? 30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? 31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? 32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? 33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? 34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!! 35. Do fish get cramps after eating? 36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? 37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? 38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? 39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? 40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? 41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? 42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. 43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? 44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? 45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? 46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? 47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? 48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? 50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? 52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? 53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? 56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? 57. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? 58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 10:45:17 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: In Memory of Odie the duck 3-30/4/02/99 Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting? A: He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough. -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 09:40:37 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Holiday Greetings (Puns) Easter I hope everyone is having a GOOD FRIDAY. I know it DOZEN EGGSactly feel like a holiday if you have to get up and go to work at the CRACK of dawn ALBUMEN week but I hope you don't feel too CROSS. Of CORPUS we COTTONTAIL it at the time, but after he DYED, Jesus became one of the great HE ROSE of our civilization. He promised that he SHELL come again and even today, EASTERS our souls with his inSPRING message. Even if you've never PARADE in church before, you can always depend a BONNET being a holiday you won't want to PASSOVER. Let's all BASKET his glory for at least a FLOWER or two. (By Gary Hallock) Passover After eight days of eating matzoth for Passover, it feels more like UNLEAVENED or twelve days. I stopped a fellow on the street and asked him, "SEDER, do you know the meaning of this holiday?" He said he did, MAWROR less: "Isn't that the spring holiday that celebrates how CHAROSETH three days after dying?" "Wrong religion!" I retorted. "You don't have to CHALLAH!" he complained. "Challah isn't Pesadich," I laughed. "Of KOSHER right," he acknowledged. Then he apologized for cutting me short but said his cousin Effie was on her way to his house and he didn't want to miss her. "Of course--you have to leave with EFFIE COMIN' over." "Sorry but HAGGADAH go," he repeated, and left. (By Cynthia MacGregor) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 12:58:51 -0500 From: Jim Mica Subject: The Entertainment of Pysicists This won't make it into US or PEOPLE, but you're seeing it right here at HUMOR! The Chronicle of Higher Education (April 2 issue) says that the American Physical Society met in Atlanta Georgia (U.S.A) last week. According to Kim McDonald's article, the physicists were out to show people that "the practitioners of their discipline are not necessarily the nerdy, quirky, stuffy, somewhat elitist academics" folks expect them to be. Along with sessions about "Bose-Einstein condensation" (if you get this on the inside of your car windows you're in trouble!) and "quark-gluon interactions" (don't ask...) there was a "Cosmic Cabaret." The star of this Cabaret was the "Physics Chanteuse," Lynda Williams of San Francisco State. McDonald reports: "the former go-go dancer turned physics teacher has been playing to packed houses at science conferences in betwen her teaching duties for the past two years." Ms Williams wowed her non-nerdy, non-quirky, non-stuffy and un-elitist audience with songs like the following parody of Madonna's "Material Girl": Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me I think they're passe if they can't talk about quantum theory I just walk away. I like geeks, and I like nerds at least they see the light. 'Cause it excites my mind. We are living in a high-tech world and I am a high-tech girl. You know that we are living in a high-tech world and I am a high-tech girl. Ms. Williams said that she was thrilled to play the APS gig because she didn't have to "explain anything." She does concede, however, that "Physicists are the toughest audience." On her rating scale geologists are "the true party animals, followed by astronomers, then physicists." Her next gig is with the astronomers, but she looks forward to really rocking with geologists: Pangia may be reunited. -- Jim Mica (No, I DID pass baby-physics in college.) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Apr 1999 to 3 Apr 1999 **********************************************