From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Monday, April 05, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Apr 1999 to 5 Apr 1999 There are 5 messages totalling 312 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Two from the Archives 2. Ether Bunnies 3. ANAGRAMS 4. Insider comments & questions about contemporary life & kissing 5. Quick Wit ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 4 Apr 1999 03:39:36 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Two from the Archives There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives. In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available of 1996-1998 mailings. The URL's are listed daily in my posts. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Date: Wed, 14 Sep 1994 08:59:40 EDT From: "Donald J. Hickman" Subject: Miss America The Miss America Pageant is the consolation prize for the girls who didn't make it into the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Have you noticed? Beauty may be only skin deep, but it's always at least 5-8. The swimsuits in the Miss America Pageant are creating the same controversy as Bill Clinton's health plan: should they provide minimum or maximum coverage? The crowning of Miss America is special: it's the only night somebody leaves Atlantic City a winner. Source: Contemporary Comedy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Date: Wed, 14 Sep 1994 10:28:50 -0400 From: Sheldon Cheney Subject: Good Neighbours Carl Rowen, the black reporter and columnist, tells about when he moved into an affluent white neighborhood years ago. A few days after the move, he went out and mowed the lawn. The man next door (who didn't realize a black family had moved in) came over and said, "Hey, it looks like you're doing a good job. I need somebody good to mow my lawn too. How much are they paying you?" Carl Rowen said, "They aren't paying me anything, but I get to sleep with the lady of the house." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999: (text) http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 UGA Message Board: http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 UGA Yahoo Club: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Apr 1999 09:50:50 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Ether Bunnies Knock,knock. Who's there? Ether Ether who? Ether bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Juan Juan who? Juan more ether bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Stella Stella who? Stella nother ether bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Justin Justin who? Justin other Ether Bunny. Knock, knock. Who's there? Samoa Samoa who? Samoa Ether Bunnies. Knock, knock. Who's there? Beryl Beryl who? Beryl of ether bunnies. Knock, knock. Who's there? Dewey Dewey who? Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes? Knock, knock. Who's there? Consumption. Consumption who? Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies? Knock, knock. Who's there? Cargo Cargo who? Cargo "beep, beep"...run over all the ether bunnies. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Apr 1999 10:23:48 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: ANAGRAMS Here's something put together by someone with not enough to do... ======================================================================== This should appeal to the intellectual in you... An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. No letters can be used twice or left out. The following ones are exceptionally clever (someone out there either has *way* too much time on their hands or is deadly at Scrabble): Word/Phrase Anagram ----------------------------------------------------------- Dormitory Dirty Room Evangelist Evil's Agent Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here Come Dots Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :) Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness Genuine Class Semolina Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes That Queer Shake Eleven plus two Twelve plus one Contradiction Accord not in it This one is *truly* amazing: "To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." ANAGRAM: "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten." And for a contemporary one: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." ........Neil Armstrong, on the moon ANAGRAM: "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!" And a final one, a perfect accompaniment to the impeachment trial. You're not going to believe this: "President Clinton, of the USA" ANAGRAM: "To copulate, he finds interns" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Apr 1999 18:42:52 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Insider comments & questions about contemporary life & kissing What is it about management? I work for myself and even MY boss is an idiot. My boss has a problem dealing with authority figures - like me. To all you anal-retentive types who complain about everyone celebrating the new millennium next year: A millennium is any 1,000 years. You can start one today if you like. It's just an excuse for a big party, anyway. Lighten up! When I was growing up, I would hear "Stop fighting, or you won't play together any more". Recently, it seems I am hearing "Stop killing each other, or I'll kill you myself". What ever happened to the caboose at the end of trains? The reason 30+ year old women get carded is because the cashiers and bagboys make bets on how OLD you really are and someone has to find out. They know you would lie if they asked you. Bob Barr - spokesmodel for the NRA, penultimate conservative, and poster boy for birth control - is now against war. His hatred of Bill Clinton knows no end. There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is obviously the employee training film at the driver's license office. Women close their eyes when they kiss because they can't stand to see a man have a good time. We close our eyes when we kiss so we don't get the creepy cyclops-version view of the person we're kissing. If you saw who I had to kiss, you'd close your eyes, too. Single people wonder why we kiss with our eyes closed. Married people don't. NATO: Now America Takes Over. Why is it that when you have the most to do you get the flu? Why is it that you have to have a license to drive, but not one to have kids? My sweet hubby serves me breakfast in bed. The only hitch is that I have to watch fishing shows. Of course I don't look as busy as the men, I did it right the first time! I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then. I eat my peas with boney, I've done it all my life. It makes the peas taste funny, But it keeps them on my knife. I eat my peas with honey, I've done it all my life. I don't like the honey, But it keeps the peas on my knife. Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/thevent ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 09:27:02 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Quick Wit We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored...Let's go brush our teeth. Or, "I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth." Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Apr 1999 to 5 Apr 1999 **********************************************