From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Apr 1999 to 6 Apr 1999 There are 10 messages totalling 548 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Two from the Archives 2. Men Questions 3. Jewish Grammar Rules 4. Understanding A Woman's English 5. Free at Last! 6. Protection 7. A creative solution - Y2K 8. Stupid Criminal Story #12 9. The Old Flame (Pun) (Adult: Drug Culture) 10. Spin Doctor ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 03:28:02 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Two from the Archives There's a rich resource available in our HumorList Archives. In addition to the current 1999 Digests, copies are available of 1996-1998 mailings. The URL's are listed daily in my posts. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Date: Fri, 23 Sep 1994 18:31:35 -0400 From: Jeff Fowler Subject: US Military Intelligence Advances in Science Environmentally safe A-bombs The Air Force is reacting to the EPA ban on CFC's by replacing them in the cooling systems of the intercontinental (ballistic) missiles with 2 to 10 nuclear warheads on board. If they are ever fired, it will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust, not threatening the Ozone layer. --Access to Energy, July 1993 Source: The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Date: Tue, 27 Sep 1994 11:15:04 EDT From: Matt Patterson Subject: 1040 EZR Tax form for the stupid Enter the amount you made in 1994 on line 1 1. ____________ Take your pen and count over two places to the left from the little dot. (The decimal place) Enter that amount on line 2 That's 2. ____________ your tax. Live with it. Do you want to give the Government more money? (Circle one) Y N If "Yes" then enter that amount here. 3. ____________ Add lines 2 and 3 together. 4. ____________ Send the amount on line 4 to: The Government PO Box 1 Washington DC 00000 --from the Quarterly Humor Zine, "Ooze" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999: (text) http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 UGA Message Board: http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 UGA Yahoo Club: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 06:24:59 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Men Questions What can a bird do that a man can't? Whistle through his pecker. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop and ask for directions Why did God put men on Earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have a penis to keep it in. What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They are usually meant for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them. Why do men snore when they lay down on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor-lock. Why do men masturbate? Because it's sex with someone they love. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at parties. Why did God create man before woman? you need a rough draft before you have a final copy. Why is pee yellow and sperm white? So men can tell whether they're coming or going. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? I don't know, it hasn't happened yet! Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbitt computer virus? It turns your hard drive into a 3-1/2" floppy. What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brain? A widower. What do you do if you look out into the backyard and find your husband stumbling and staggering about? Load another clip. (Thanks to Phil Rumsey) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 07:46:16 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Jewish Grammar Rules 1. Phrase statements as questions. Instead of telling Ida she looks gorgeous, ask her, "How stunning do you have to look?" 2. Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another question. When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should I feel?" 3. Whenever possible, end questions with "or what?" This allows the other person to interject another question: "Has she grown up, or what?"; "Can you remember when she was just a baby, or what?" (About now, a spontaneous rendition of "Sunrise, Sunset" should be expected.) 4. Begin questions with "What?" Example: "What, my kishka's not good enough for you?" 5. Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect object): "What, do you want to get killed going alone? Ira will go with" (drop "you"). 6. Move subject to end of sentences: "Is SHE getting heavy, that Esther?" 7. Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt: "Is Esther still dating that Norman fellow?" 8. Use "lovely" to describe actions taken by someone else that the listener should have done too: "We got a lovely note from the Rabinowitzes for hosting Seder." (Translation: "What, *you* didn't eat charosis and drink Manichevitz?") Vocabulary Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for neurotic. Only those fluent in Hebonics will sense when to call someone mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus ehr reht. Here are a few words to get you started: 1. "Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: "Cadillac schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?" 2. Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the sound of Gentiles saying, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet. 3. Schmuck--Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used as a "sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?" 4. Schmoe--See schmuck. 5. Schmata--Rag, as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that Esther?" 6. Schmaltz--Literally means chicken fat, but when used in conversation it's sappy or corny. "The movie was OK, but why such a schmaltzy ending?" Just because Jews are asking questions, doesn't mean they're going to wait around for an answer. If you've got something to say, speak up. Jump right in there with a hearty, "What, are you crazed? That's not the way to fix a leaky faucet!" (You will never use this phrase, however, since Jews do not do home or car repairs.) Interrupt often. It shows that you are interested in the conversation. If you're talking and Jews don't interrupt, they're bored. Practice Question: You're on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves between cars and drives recklessly. Your Jewish passenger asks, "Who gave that maniac a driver's license?" Wrong answer: "In the 1950s, the United States made an economic decision to encourage automobile ownership over public transportation to support the automotive industry which created jobs and stimulated the economy. Ever since, most anyone can get a driver's license." Correct answer: "Morons." Gentiles can also profit from learning the nuances of Hebonics. When shopping in the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may seem insulted at your low ball offer on merchandise. He may shout, "What, I'm the schmuck who shouldn't feed his children?" The untrained Gentile simply cannot translate this phrase to its true meaning, "Let the negotiations begin." (via Barb's Jokebook) ************************************** If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 09:21:26 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Understanding A Woman's English When A Woman Says This, She Really Means That.... Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and deal with it. I'm not yelling! = Yes, I AM yelling, I think this is important. The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything. Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 10:10:12 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Free at Last! God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered "Sorry, we are not interested." Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested." Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered. Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!" -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 09:20:28 MST From: Jim Winski! Subject: Protection A health article was published today stating that adult circumcision is not protection against HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases. I must disagree. Ask any man: If you chop off a chunk he's not going to want to put it *ANYWHERE* for awhile! Jim Winski - jcw@upi.uhcolorado.edu Programmer/Analyst, Information Systems University Physicians, Inc. - Denver, CO ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 13:20:51 -0400 From: Steve and Cindy Subject: A creative solution - Y2K Taken from Salon Magazine (http://www.salonmagazine.com/21st/feature/1999/02/08feature.html) Salon: What are you doing to prepare for Y2K? Scott Adams: I've heard that many people are hoarding cash and food just in case civilization collapses. My strategy is to hoard guns and ammo so I can take the cash and food from the people who didn't do a good job thinking through the "collapse of society" concept. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 15:12:36 +0100 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Stupid Criminal Story #12 Thief Makes It Easy For Police. HONG KONG (Reuters) - A thief robbed a taxi driver of his mobile phone but was caught because he left his own phone behind, a newspaper reported Friday. The phone not only provided the home number of the robber, Kwok Chi-hoi, it also made identification easy because it had a picture of him and his girlfriend on it, the SouthChina Morning Post said. Kwok, 22, who stole HK$3,300 (US$426) from the taxi driver as well as the phone, pleaded guilty to robbery and was jailed Thursday for four years and eight months, the paper said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 17:50:29 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Old Flame (Pun) (Adult: Drug Culture) The after work crowd was still milling about and there wasn't an empty seat in the bar. Towards the end of the bar sat Mike, who was getting an angry talking to from a customer. "The eight ball was light and I want some change, Mike." "There are no refunds, all sales are final my friend." "OK dude, it'll be a cold day in hell before you see me buying anymore grass from you." "Hey, winter is on the way; see ya tomorrow." "Yeah, right. Oh I saw your old flame working the street again, she looked skanky." "You saw Belinda? Where?" "She was up Shooter's Alley. I hear she sells herself for dimes." "Like I care. Take it easy my man, I gotta make a call." Mike checked the number displayed on his pager. He didn't recognize it but called anyway. Someone picked up on the first ring, "Hello, HELLO?" "Yeah. You page me? Who is this?" "Mike, it's me, Belinda." She sounded bad, not enough sleep and too much party. "Belinda, you're bad news walking. We got nothing to say to each other and no business." "Mike, I just need to talk to you, no strings and no business." He still had feelings for her; most of them were bad. They'd been lovers in school and grew a consumables provisioning business together. That is until she got wrapped up in the product and he had to cut her off. "Where are you Belinda? I can meet you I an hour." "Do you remember Party Central?" Now that took him way back, the old gang used to hang out under an overpass. Beneath it the arroyo was like a sandlot and it was hidden yet out in the open. Plenty of good times were had there. "Yeah." He almost asked why but just didn't want to get into it. She was going to put the touch on him, he was sure. "Be there in an hour?" "I'll be there. And Belinda?" "Yes?" "I'm not bringing you anything." "I'm not asking you to." It was about a twenty minute hike to the old neighborhood. The sun was going down and he felt like a walk. He needed to go over the dialog anyway. No reason not to be prepared for a woman's sob story. He finished his beer, had another then announced, "Yo, barkeep! Hold my calls, I'll be back in a couple hours." Just out the door Mike caught himself smiling thinking about the old days. He bit his lip and shook his head. The walk and fresh air cleared his mind of fond thoughts. As he approached the overpass he stopped and checked out the situation. Quietly he slid down the concrete embankment and watched for movement. Up under the overpass Mokry sat and waited. He checked for his equalizer; the lump in his coat pocket reassured him. It hadn't been fired in a year; there'd been no need. Something slid down the embankment from across the arroyo. It made a few steps in the sand and stopped. "Belinda?" "Yeah it's me." Even in the dark he could see that she was the walking dead. She walked up to him and lit a cigarette. Mike gasped when he saw her face in the light. "Pretty hideous, eh?" "Damn woman, what's happened to you?" "Herpes is eating my face off. I've got bronchitis and maybe pneumonia. So how are you doing?" "Better than you it seems." "I've got a favor to ask-" Here it was, the touch. "That account dried up along time ago, Belinda." "Mike, I'm dying. I've got AIDS and I want it over with now. You still carry that 25 Auto?" "Um, yes. But can't you try AZT or something from the free clinic?" "Careful there, it's sounds like you still care. No, they want me in the hospital and I can't go." "You mean you won't go, right?" "Yeah. Something like that. Mike, I'm ready to give it all up, and I want you to help me." It wasn't as if he had never taken a life, he had. It was always in self-defense or occasionally enforcing a business option. He couldn't quite respond. Then she flicked her bic and held it up close. He saw it all over her face and read it in hollow eyes. "You're sure about this, Belinda?" "Dead sure." And she knelt down in front of him. Mike pulled out his gun, held it above her right temple and pulled the trigger. Click! "Damned cheap bullets!" He pulled back the carriage, ejecting the round. Belinda looked up and said, "Do it!" She shut her eyes and he pulled the trigger. The report was loud. The carriage of the pistol sprang back from the receiver base and struck Mike in the face, breaking teeth and nearly tearing off his bottom lip. The bullet struck the top of Belinda's head and lodged just under her scalp. They lay in the sand contemplating their actions. The moral of the story is: Don't go shooting your mouth off when you're just trying to take out your old girlfriend. (By Christine Basso) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 21:23:41 -0700 From: Keith Sullivan Subject: Spin Doctor SPIN DOCTOR A master in the art of public relations, Michael Levine believes that the best way to market yourself is to retain a healthy and positive sense of self-importance. He recalls a famous story about a mattress manufacturer's meeting with a P.R. consultant. "What do you sell?" the publicist asked. "I sell mattresses, of course," the bed maker replied. "No, you don't," the P.R. man countered, shaking his head. "You sell sweet dreams and good sex." >From Guerrilla P.R. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Apr 1999 to 6 Apr 1999 **********************************************