From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 6 Apr 1999 to 7 Apr 1999 There are 12 messages totalling 583 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Engine Trouble (blonde joke) 2. =?iso-8859-1?Q?=01=01Marine_Sniper_School_=28Offensive_to_Uncl?= =?iso-8859-1?Q?e_Sam=27s_Misguided_Children=29?= 3. Around the World 4. Letters To A Pastor 5. Men! (off. to men) 6. Three Girls!! 7. If Microsoft Had Existed in the Middle Ages 8. Bust (somewhat un-"politically correct" 9. The Drunk Poem 10. Quasi-literate comments & questions about contemporary life 11. Stubby Tails (Puns) 12. Couples ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 02:09:26 -0500 From: Christopher Schulte Subject: Engine Trouble (blonde joke) Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, 'One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left.' Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.' An hour later the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.' One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, 'If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.' --funny "cover" songs available: http://www.schulte.org/html/mysongs.html ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 09:39:41 +0200 From: Csongor Janos Subject: =?iso-8859-1?Q?=01=01Marine_Sniper_School_=28Offensive_to_Uncl?= =?iso-8859-1?Q?e_Sam=27s_Misguided_Children=29?= The sniper school of the United States Marine Corps is one of the = hardest military schools in the world. As the legend goes, before you = qualify as a sniper, after you have completed all the physical = requirements including shooting, you have to answer some questions. The = last and the hardest question is the following: "You are positioned on a tree. It is on the edge of a clearing. The = clearing is your kill zone. You must kill the first thing, whatever it = will be, that enters that zone, and you must kill it with your first = shot. Until you have completed this mission, you have to sit on that = tree, you must not move, eat, drink, pee, or do anything else, lest you = scare your prey away. "After you've been sitting on that tree for four hours, in the sun, wind = and rain, not moving a muscle, a six-year old girl enters the clearing, = with a baby on her arm. What is the very very first thing that you feel? (Scroll down for the answer) "Sir, recoil, Sir!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 04:20:43 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Around the World * You have to be truly brave to cross the street in Tokyo. It's the only town in the world where the cars' front bumpers know karate. - - - - - * Italian men are extremely jealous. Even a married man who's not had anything to do with his wife for twenty years will hit a man who does. - - - - - * Some men just don't understand the British. A visitor to London took a cab from the Airport. The female cabdriver asked, "How far would you want to go ?" His case comes up next Thursday. - - - - - * Many of the Eastern religions believe in reincarnation. One poor fellow, unable to stand his miserable life any longer, committed suicide. Talk about bad luck -- he came back as himself. - - - - - - * The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away. - - - - - * A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenburg". The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant -- Oy! He was something." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999: (text) http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 UGA Message Board: http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 UGA Yahoo Club: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 06:25:24 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Letters To A Pastor Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston (Thanks to MC) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 07:08:17 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Men! (off. to men) Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg? They won't stop for directions. Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in. What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock. Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love. Why were men given larger brains then dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Why did God make men before women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy. Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? So he can tell if he is coming or going. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down? Nobody knows. It hasn't happened yet ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 07:38:18 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Three Girls!! A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...or keep me potent, that is." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label 'Viagra Extra Strength' and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes." The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's jewels are black and blue, and the skin is hanging off his penis in some places. The man says, "Gimme a big tube of BenGay." The pharmacist replies, "BenGay? You're not going to put BenGay on that, are you?!" The man says, "No, it's for my arms... the girls never showed up." ******************************************** Does this condom make me look fat? ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 11:59:03 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: If Microsoft Had Existed in the Middle Ages This came to me as a forward of a forward (from a friend of a friend...). The source seems to be Topfive.com. jhm SUBJECT Fw: FW: If Microsoft Had Existed in the Middle Ages Date: Mon, 05 Apr 1999 21:39:58 -0400 Subject: If Microsoft Had Existed in the Middle Ages The Top 11 Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then 11> Chastity belts require a password rather than a key. 10> Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay. 9> Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta." 8> The "Good Plague" hoax. 7> Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again. 6> The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone. 5> Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs. 4> Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be- invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill's haircut. 3> Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie. 2> Stained Glass Windows MCCCXLV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXLVI. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then... 1> The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 13:02:07 -0400 From: rlb Subject: Bust (somewhat un-"politically correct" The following exchange is taken verbatim (I've only eliminated one identifying name) from a disscusion list on the history of "Cyberspace": >> The 1962 conference was at Hot Springs, not Warm Springs, Virginia. > >> As I heard it told, the confernce at Hot Springs was a bust, >> but the train ride back was the venue where things really happened. >> For a discussion of the train ride back from the conference, see the >> Annals of the History of Computing, 14/2 (1992), p. 21. > Thanks for correcting my temperature error. Regarding the > "bust" assessment, I didn't see it that way. In fact the only bust > that I noticed was on the train going to the conference. The > participants were overwhelmingly male, but one psychologist from an > Eastern university brought his rather attractive wife along and she > made numerous trips up and down the aisle wearing a dress that could > best be described as "down in front," which broke up a number of deep > technical discussions. > At dinner the next night she appeared in a high-necked dress that had > no back, down to the zone of cleavage. On the train going home she > wore a dress that was high in front and back but had no sides. Our > main disappointment was that the conference didn't last another day so > that we could see what happened next. Bob --- Kanyak's Doghouse ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 14:33:44 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: The Drunk Poem Starkle, starkle, little twink, Who the hell are you I think. I'm not under what you call The alcofluence of incohol. I'm just a little slort of sheep, I'm not drunk like thinkle peep. I don't know who is me yet, But the drunker I stand here the longer I get. So just give me one more fink to drill my cup, 'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up. -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 21:32:56 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Quasi-literate comments & questions about contemporary life My neighbor is retired, but he works part time in the neighborhood as a pain in the butt. I've been burning my candle at both ends and now I realize I don't have much wax in the middle. Our pet hamster passed away today. It's sad. Not only did he do a couple of hours of cardio vascular exercise every day, but he recently began hoarding food in anticipation of the Y2K crisis. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires. I went to the Varsity, yesterday and had 2 Chili dogs, cheeseburger, and onion rings. Since I'm watching my weight, I had a Diet Coke. I have a friend who waits until it rains to go to the car wash. He says it's less crowded then. Somebody should have told Dr. Kevorkian that representing yourself in court is suicide. I heard the Melissa virus has mutated into the Monica virus. But I'm not to worried. It only does lap-tops. I just love the Slimfast diet. Pass me another can to wash down this fried chicken. I'm confused. Is it three or five cars that can keep going after the light turns red? When I see the pictures of the 10 Most Wanted, i wonder why the police didn't keep them when they took their pictures. I never understood why they sent me to fight the Vietnamese. If they try to send my son to Kosovo, we're all moving to Canada. If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them know where you have it tied. Hand-letter sign in front of a modest farmhouse in North Georgia: "Quilts for sail." I always tell telemarketers that "I'm just the butler" ... then hang up. Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 18:42:26 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Stubby Tails (Puns) An Indian Success Story Old Chief Gnarled Oak, was turned into a millionaire by the discovery of oil on his reservation. He fell into the yuppie temptation, and he was particularly proud and pleased when his two boys were accepted into the swanky yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming ambition was to see ... his red sons in the sail set. (By Bennett Cerf) The Panhandler A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, ... Beggars can t be cruisers. The General's Funeral The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines, ... "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn" Starlet Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in a hit TV show. All she had to do was divide her favors between the star and the producer. It was just a sham though, she never got any air time at all. You might even say she was ... shared skit less. The Tilde As has been pointed out, that "~" thing is called a tilde. Walt Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it's usage, and until his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it's potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of my keyboard, I often feel like ... Walt's in my tilde. Indecision The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: ... You can't have your Kate and Edith, too. (By Bennett Cerf) The Lawyer A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name. One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, ... "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls." Evil Genealogy And, I can always go for a little idle worship. In fact, one of my favorite grade school Show & Tell projects involved me kidnapping my sister's vast Barbie doll collection, dressing them as various pagan goddesses, and hanging them on the elm out front. Instead of the usual Trinity, this work showed the entire family history of The Maiden, The Mother, and The Crone. Clearly, ... it was a dolly-tree. Quasimodo As Quasimodo was taking off for the Bell Ringers Olympics, he tried to cram the great bell of Notre Dame into the overhead compartment. I m sorry, said the flight attendant, ... That s only for carillon luggage. New Coin A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, ... "Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call "Teds, or Hales!" Moonlighting Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, Mr. Schine stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was told, "I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.'" Then, I can have a portrait painted, and call it ... "Schine on Harvest Moon." The Wedding Gift A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words ... hiss and hearse The Coal Miner A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having ... "corrupted the murals of a miner." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 09:22:20 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Couples [By Janse?] John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks. "John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary. "Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Apr 1999 to 7 Apr 1999 **********************************************