From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, May 02, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 May 1999 to 2 May 1999 There are 4 messages totalling 178 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. PUNY Riddles 2. To My Dear Girlfriend 3. Original Placing 4. Two guys on an elevator [* adult theme *] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 00:52:38 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: PUNY Riddles 166. Years ago, scientists developed artificial sugars and in more recent years artificial fat. In 1999, scientists invented artificial spaghetti. What was the brand name? 167. What did it cost Jean Lafitte to have his ears pierced? 168. Why could you be certain that the star of the "Wagon Train" TV series was always going to deliver on a promise? 169. Why are most archeologists failures? 170. What do you call a medical specialist who removes gangrenous apendages from French fries? Movie of the Week: 9. Tom Cruise and friends save the world from pollution and other ecological problems in: Book of the Week: 7. Stephen King s novel about the sons and daughters of adult film stars. > > > > > > > > > > > > 166. Impasta (By Cynthia MacGregor) 167. About a buck an ear (By Stan Kegel) 168. His Ward was his Bond (By Gary Hallock) 169. Because their careers lie in ruins (By Stan Kegel) 170. An ampu-tater (By Gary Hallock) Movie of the Week: Emission Impossible (By Hauke Reddmann) Book of the Week: 7. Children of the Porn. (By Stan Kegel) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 06:55:50 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: To My Dear Girlfriend Yesterday the distaff perspective, today we hear the male's rebuttal. To My Dear Girlfriend, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished. 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move. (Thanks to John Davis) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 09:18:52 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Original Placing A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm. Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that "you and God have done together." "Eh," the farmer said dubiously. "Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it by himself." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 11:40:48 -0500 From: "Don E. Z'Boray" Subject: Two guys on an elevator [* adult theme *] A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge Dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The smallwhite guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'!" atbty, -- don ;-) Don E. Z'Boray - Irving, TX http://www.newbie.net/ ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 May 1999 to 2 May 1999 **********************************************