From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Monday, May 03, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 May 1999 to 3 May 1999 There are 6 messages totalling 253 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Baseball vs. Football (Part 1 of 2) 2. Clinton/Falwell (mature) 3. Comic comments about contemporary life 4. Church bulletin bloopers 5. Humor - Wierd Business News #14 (Part 1 of 3) 6. Gangsta's Paradise ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 10:39:40 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Baseball vs. Football (Part 1 of 2) Baseball vs. Football (Part 1 of 2) Do you remember Junior High and High School? Do you remember talking about "the bases" with your friends? Well, forget 'em!! This is *FOOTBALL*. With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember the difference between second and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the sole purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved using The Original Handbook Of Football. WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD (If your not on the field, get on the field.) YOUR 10 Yard Line ........ Holding Hands 20 Yard Line ............. Hugging 30 Yard Line ............. Kiss on the Cheek 40 Yard Line ............. Kiss on the Lips 50 Yard Line ............. Tongue Kissing (Serious Territory) His/Her 40 Yard Line ..... Shirt or Bra Off 30 Yard Line ............. All Clothes Off 20 Yard Line ............. ORAL SEX (Getting or Giving) 1ST AND GOAL ............. Put on the Condom GOAL LINE ................ TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE) NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE. Kickoff ................. Making the first move (asking for a date). Kicking It Deep ......... Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out deep in your own end). On-Side Kick ............ Asking out a slut (starting near midfield; on-side kicks are good if they work, but are risky). Kick Return ............. How far you get on the first date. NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU. Downs ................... An attempt to get more yards (get further with her). Running the Ball ........ Taking it one yard at a time. Passing Play ............ Skipping stages. Punting ................. Giving up on this one and asking another one out. UH OH Fumble .................. Impotence. Fumble Recovery ......... Regain erection. Interception ............ Homosexuality (YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!!) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 11:41:58 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Clinton/Falwell (mature) Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having". ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 13:47:18 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Comic comments about contemporary life You know it is still spring because the mosquitos haven't yet replaced the pollen. TV news people have the hardest job in the world-trying to cram 10 minutes of news into a two-hour show. I don't want to say my wife is dumb, but when she saw the sign for "monthly parking," she asked, "Who would want to park their car there that long?" I am starting a support group for those who have developed a pathological hatred for certain people in the media. I used to think pro-wrestling was fun to watch - it was like "The Three Stooges." Now it's like watching the sewer back up in my basement. To the people who use the phone late at night, please dial carefully. Some of us do not like being awakened by your wrong numbers. To all of you who are accusing Clinton of dodging the draft ... it all depends on how you define "dodge." To all you people who prefer saving trees to capitalism, I have a tree in my back yard. It is lonely. Come hug it. My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache." My wife thinks an unmarked car is one she hasn't been driving yet. My 16-year-old daughter took one of my Frank Sinatra CDs and has been playing it is her room. What will these wacky kids think of next? Being bored is an insult to yourself. I just met a level-headed redneck; tobacco juice was running out of both sides of his mouth. Golf is 90% mental. The other 10^ is in your head. Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 14:26:15 -0500 From: "Don E. Z'Boray" Subject: Church bulletin bloopers 11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's been a Terrible Experience." 15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. 16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" 17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. 18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. ;-) atbty, -- don Don E. Z'Boray, Irving, TX webmaster@newbie.net ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 19:26:26 +0100 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Wierd Business News #14 (Part 1 of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HERE'S THE monthly column in which public relations people don't want to see their work displayed. Yes, time once again for Weird Business News, a look at the lengths -- and depths -- business goes to in search of a buck. The Only Group That Gives More Awards to Each Other Than Journalists Award to the American Advertising Hall of Fame, which honored Lester Wunderman for his lifetime career, which included the first use of a 1-800 number in a television commercial. The Stop The Presses Award to Hasbro for the first new token in 40 years for its Monopoly game. For those of you holding your breath, it's a sack of money. The Of Course Award to Bob Stupak, who is going to build a new casino and hotel in Las Vegas, the Titanic Resort. It will be shaped like the doomed ocean liner but will of course be twice the length of the original ship and much wider. The Barlow Doesn't Get That Job Award to John Wareham, writing in the April Issue of Across The Board, a magazine of the Conference Board. Wareham advises against hiring any men with beards. They are, he says, trying to hide something. In my case, a sagging neck. The Best New Product Award to Fitness Gaming Corp. for its Pedal `N Play cycle and Money Mill Treadmill. They are both designed to be hooked to slot machines in casinos. They won't let you risk your money if you are not also exercising. Which means you may be broke, but you're going to be buff. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 09:51:33 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Gangsta's Paradise A gang-member was holding his eight-month old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother".. -----Our guy gets all excited and hollers to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!" Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 May 1999 to 3 May 1999 **********************************************