From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Tuesday, May 04, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 May 1999 to 4 May 1999 There are 9 messages totalling 418 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Signs Your Sports Hero Has Stumbled 2. Baseball vs. Football (Part 2 of 2) 3. New Words 4. Job Descriptions 5. Humor - Weird Business News #14 (2nd of 3) 6. And we have a winner! 7. In A Pickle < adult theme > 8. SLITS SLATS (pUn) 9. Y2K ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 06:12:22 -0400 From: John Vogel Subject: Signs Your Sports Hero Has Stumbled ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Live, from the Continental Club! ================================================================ May 3, 1999 The Top 12 Signs Your Sports Hero Has Stumbled 12> "We've reserved your usual urinal for your test, Mr. Strawberry." 11> Recently had his jersey retired -- by the Betty Ford Clinic. 10> Cheerios cancels her contract, replaces her with Mike Tyson. 9> "Can't do autographs" at card shows because he's handcuffed to a federal marshall. 8> Collector's Edition card features him drinking bongwater. 7> He's the headliner at the "Jake La Motta Poetry Jam." 6> Got lousy reviews for his role as the wacky camp counselor in "Meatballs VII." 5> Her most recent endorsement deal: "Got Crack?" 4> Can field two entire teams of his own for the Father/Son game. 3> 35 paternity suits can't *all* be wrong. 2> Larry King hesitates for a split second before kissing his ass. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Sports Hero Has Stumbled... 1> Restraining order prevents him from running past the 40 yard line. [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ] [ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" ] ================================================================ Rumination of the Day If you're lonely, but only because you killed all your friends, then maybe you deserve to be lonely. (Thanks to Jacquelyn Benson) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 06:31:30 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Baseball vs. Football (Part 2 of 2) OTHER DEFINITIONS Turnover ................ Anal sex Field Goal .............. One of you orgasm, 3 points (Field Goal range begins around the 30, when the clothes are off). Touchdown ............... Mutual orgasm, 6 points. Extra Point ............. The smoke afterwards. Two Point Conversion .... Smoke and a phone number. High Scoring Game ....... Multiple Orgasms. Rain Delay .............. Parents/Roommate comes home. Pile Up ................. ORGY. Missed Field Goal ....... Wide right, wide left, or even worse... to short! 3RD Down and Inches ..... Call for a measurement (move those yardsticks). THE OFFENSE Quarterback ............. Most important position, the missionary. Quarterback Sneak ....... Unusual positions. Center .................. Doggie Style. Running Back ............ A hand-off. Tight End ............... Self Explanatory. Wide Receiver ........... Opposite of Tight End. Nose Tackle ............. (Use Your Imagination). DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days.) Defensive Line .......... Condom. Break in the Defense .... Condom breaks. The Safety .............. The Pill (Just to be safe). A Blitz...................A "Quickie." PENALTIES Roughing ................ S & M Holding ................. Handcuffs or Restraints Offside ................. Premature Ejaculation THE BOWLS Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE) Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance) SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW TO USE THEM, HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USE- FUL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL REALLY IS. 1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver, but it turned out to be a tight end so there was a punt. 2. There was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to midfield but then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10 yard line. With 1st and goal, the action moved from the Center to the Quarterback who did a Quarterback Sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Peach Bowl ever!!! 3. I was Roughed in the massive Pileup. 4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field goal attempt I was short. I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR JOURNEY THROUGH THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL AND YOU HAVE NOT ONLY HAD A CHUCKLE BUT WILL PASS IT ON TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU KNOW SO THAT ONE DAY THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL WILL REPLACE THE OLD, OUTDATED, INEFFICIENT, NO LONGER FUNNY STANDARDIZED GUIDE TO THE BASES. (Thanks to Jimmy Rudolph) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 07:11:08 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: New Words 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until she finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 08:55:02 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Job Descriptions Interesting Job Descriptions ======================== Executive chairman: Supervisor of office seating installations. Chief of Staff: Person responsible for minding Moses' staff. Mister Speaker: Salesperson for 1000+ watt sound systems. Secretary of Defense: Receptionist trained in martial arts. Spokesperson: Person who makes bicycle wheels. Fireman: Person who lays people off at work. Shop Assistant: Credit-card provider. Heavyweight Boxer: Person who packages large objects. Fitter and Turner: Person who matches keys with locks. Trainee: Person who commutes to work by rail. Site Director: Seeing-eye dog. Public Relations Officer: Policeman who makes out in public. (from Mitch McCarron, via The Mouthpiece) ************************************************* A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 09:49:27 +0100 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #14 (2nd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3 rise to top of the heap The Best Company Name Award is a three-way tie this month. All come from the computer industry: * Pile Inc., which operates Dogpile Web site (www.dogpile.com), an Internet search site. * The PetFish Co., which produces electronic virtual fish for your computer. * Beatnik Inc. (formerly known as Headspace) which produces interactive Web audio. They Wouldn't Let Me In Anyway Award to LaBare, the Houston strip club aimed at women with its scantily clad male dancers has moved to a new location at 6234 Richmond Ave. Some actual comments made on employee evaluations, as collected from that usually unreliable source, the Internet. * "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." * "This individual is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." * "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together." The He's Been Rubbed the Wrong Way award to Mark Trimarco of Chicago, who filed suit against Gillette Co., Johnson & Johnson and other toothbrush makers claiming their products caused him to develop receding gums. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 11:16:05 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: And we have a winner! One Saturday night Paul and Ben were living it up in the Commons, a local tavern, when Big Bertha came in. At five-feet-four and two hundred seven pounds, she was dressed in her finest tank top and had on her new flip-flops. The Daisy Duke shorts she shouldn't have been wearing still had the stains of her afternoon work cleaning catfish over at the trailer park. Her hair hadn't been washed in a week or combed in three days. She chugged one pitcher of beer and then another, trying to get one of the boys to dance with her. After her third pitcher, she shouted to the house: "I'll go to bed with any man who can guess my weight." Smarty Paul called out, "Darlin', I'd say you weigh one hundred twelve pounds." "Close enough!" she said, "Let's go!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 12:44:42 -600 From: "Don E. Z'Boray" Subject: In A Pickle < adult theme > Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... She got fired too." atbty, -- don ;-) Don E. Z'Boray - Author, The Steven Wright JumpStation, http://www.newbie.net/JumpStations/StevenWright/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 16:08:18 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: SLITS SLATS (pUn) John and Mary were walking along the shore one Sunday afternoon when they spotted a dock projecting into the harbor. They decided to walk to the end of the dock and sit down to rest . Mary, in her infinite boredom, suggested to John, "While we walk to the end of the dock, why don't you count the number of slats used to build it, and I'll count the number of slits between the slats?'' John replied, "O.K., I will count the slats, and you will count the slits.'' So the couple merrily trooped down the dock. John counted, "One slat!'' Mary counted, "One slit!'' "Two slats!'' "Two slits!'' And, well, you know how the natural numbers work. Eventually John and Mary approached the end of the dock. "327 slats!'' "327 slits!'' "328 slats!'' They had reached the end of the dock. Mary was puzzled. "John, there are no more slits. What does it mean?'' John turned to Mary and said, . . . "When you're out of slits, you're out of pier." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 09:48:24 +0800 From: Mike Robertshaw Subject: Y2K New product idea for the millennium! "Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before" Courtesy of Bridget Swearse ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 May 1999 to 4 May 1999 **********************************************