From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, May 05, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 May 1999 to 5 May 1999 There are 16 messages totalling 642 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. DUH NEWS!!! 2. Two For The Birds 3. Top5 - 5/4/99 - Seminar Topics at the NRA Convention 4. Looking For A Government Job 5. Sleep 6. The Cynic's Guide to Life 7. His first time <* adult; may be offensive to the insecure *> 8. Tapering Off 9. The Tourist Prayer 10. Armpit Problem 11. Humor - Weird Business News #14 (3rd of 3) 12. Best Friends 13. limerick 14. Technology on Wheels 15. HUMOR: another dumb criminal 16. The Art Of Loving ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 02:21:40 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: DUH NEWS!!! South Africans were warned last month to throw away the government-issue safe sex packs, distributed for an AIDS-awareness drive, after it was found that the free condoms had been attached to the anti-AIDS pamphlets with staples. -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 01:46:11 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Two For The Birds It seems like in 1995 or so the pollution in the atmosphere of London has started to kill off all the rooks. And the city government is very concerned because the rooks roosting on the cornices and the odd little crannies of the public buildings are a big attraction. The Yanks with their Kodaks, if you get it. So they say, "What are we going to do?" They get a lot of brochures from places with climates similar to London's so they can raise the rooks until the pollution problem is finally licked. One place with a similar climate, but low pollution count, turns out to be Bangor, Maine. So they put an ad in the paper soliciting bird fanciers and talk to a bunch of guys in the trade. Finally, they engage this one guy at the rate of $50,000 a year to raise rooks. They send an ornithologist over on the Concorde with two cases of rook eggs packed in these shatterproof cases - they keep the shipping compartment constantly heated and all that stuff. So this guy has a new business, North American Rook Farms, Inc. He goes to work right off incubating new rooks so London will not become a rookless city. The only thing is, the London City Council is really impatient, and every day they send him a telegram that says: . . . "Bred any good rooks lately." (By Stephen King) Actually, Stephen King has it mixed up. Here where we live in New Hampshire, the little creeks roll down Ragged Mountain across our fields, squirt under Route 4, and piddle into our hay fields on the other side. My wife spends all fall and much of the spring working on borders to these little springs, planting bulbs, fertiziling and then keeping the borders clear and clean, because if there's anything she likes, . . . its to weed a good brook. (By Donald Hall) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 06:17:02 -0400 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 5/4/99 - Seminar Topics at the NRA Convention ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Store in a cool dry place. ================================================================ May 4, 1999 NOTE FROM CHRIS: For our readers not living in the USA, the National Rifle Association (or NRA) is an organization which vigorously supports the notion that all adult Americans -- except "convicted violent criminals" -- have the right to own handguns and rifles. That was diplomatic, wasn't it? I didn't even mention all those gun-related deaths we have every year in this country! (Care to debate the gun control issue? I don't, so don't bother writing.) The Top 14 Seminar Topics at the Scaled-Down NRA Convention 14> Impressing Jodi Foster 101 13> Releasing Stress By Blowing Away Defenseless Animals: A Primer 12> Paramilitary Chicks and How To Nail 'Em 11> Membership Drive 2000: Got Nutz? 10> Self Defense: Fleeing From Difficult Questions, Parts 1 - 20 9> Knife-Throwing, Archery, and Axe-Wielding: Staying Occupied During that Pesky 7-Day Waiting Period 8> Speed Reading and the Second Amendment 7> Sports Hunting with Semiautomatic Weapons, Like the Founding Fathers Intended 6> The Law and You: How to Kick a Liberal Pansy's Ass -- Legally! 5> Do Guns Kill People, Or Do People Kill People? Who The Hell Cares, Let's Go Shoot Something! 4> Corvettes and Wife Abuse: Other Ways to Compensate for Your Small Penis 3> Trigger Locks, Seatbelts, Fluoridated Water and Other Communist Plots 2> Hollow Points: Analyzing the NRA Charter and Topfive.com's Number 1 Seminar Topic at the Scaled-Down NRA Convention... 1> *Really* Concealed Weapons: You'll Get My Gun When You Pry It from My Cold, Dead Rectum [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ] [ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" ] ---------------------------------------------------------------- "Half-Cocked" and "Well-Regulated Minutiae" The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions for today's list can be found on the Joke A Day website: http://www.jokeaday.com/nftop5.shtml ================================================================ Rumination of the Day So where are all the lust-crazed engineering groupies that my college recruiter talked about? (Thanks to James Knowles) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 06:20:19 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Looking For A Government Job Dear Secretary of Agriculture, My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma, received a check the other day for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business myself next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not raised" hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year. Then I can buy an airplane. Now another thing these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year to not raise hogs and grain. I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information on that also. In view of these circumstances, I understand that the government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for unemployment and food stamps as well. Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming elections. Patriotically yours, Duster Benton PS Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese? (Thanks to Tom Primerano) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 07:02:37 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Sleep TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK 10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9) "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6) "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress." 4) "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3) "The coffee machine is broken..." 2) "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." 1) "..... in Jesus' name. Amen." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 07:22:59 -0400 From: Steve and Cindy Subject: The Cynic's Guide to Life Source: Squiffy's House of Fun Http://www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/ 1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. 2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. 3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. 4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. 5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. 6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. 9. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. 10. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbour's's car 11. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. 12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery. 13. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. 14. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 06:30:31 -0500 From: "Don E. Z'Boray" Subject: His first time <* adult; may be offensive to the insecure *> A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired. "I want six shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "Six shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blow job." "Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh shot -- on the house." "No offense, sir," the young man said. "But if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 08:21:09 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Tapering Off A man comes home from work one day and finds his wife in bed with a midget. Fuming, he storms at her, "I thought you said you'd never cheat on me again!" "I meant it, too," she replied. Pointing to the midget, she said, "Can't you see I'm tapering off!" ----------------------- A man and woman are riding up in an elevator. The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" She replies , "Hell no!" The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then." ----------------------- Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening. On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car. "Awww come on," I said. "It wasn't that bad." "Your ordering didn't help matters," she said fuming. "What?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters." "One at a time!" she yelled. ******************************************* Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 14:50:36 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: The Tourist Prayer With the holiday season about to start, I thought that a prayer is in order. ----------------- Heavenly Father, Look down on us your humble, obedient tourist servants, who are doomed to travel this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around in drip-dry underwear. We beseech you Lord, to see that our luggage is not lost and our overweight baggage does unnoticed at the customs. Give us this day divine guidance in the selection of our hotels that we may find our reservation honoured, our rooms made up and hot water running from the faucets. Lead us, Dear Lord, to good inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiter friendly and wine included in the price of the meal. Give us wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for under tipping out of ignorance and over tipping our of fear. Make the natives love us for what we are and not for what we can contribute to their worldly goods. Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the Cathedrals, the palaces and the castles listed as "musts" in the guidebooks. And if, perchance, we skip and historic monument, to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us for out flesh is weak. (This part of the prayer is for husbands) Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from "bargains" they don't need or can't afford. Lead them not Into temptation, for they know not what they do. (This part of the prayer is for the wives) Almighty Father, keep our husbands from leering at the foreign women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafes and nightclubs, for they know exactly what they do. (Everyone) And when our trip is over and we return to our loved ones, grant us the favour of finding someone who will look at our home movies and listen to our stories so our lives as tourists will not have been in vain. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 09:49:56 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: Armpit Problem Subject: Armpit Problem A woman takes a public bus to go to work one morning. As the bus was brimming full, she was forced to stand in the isle, squashed along with other passengers who could not find a seat. Suddenly a very attractive man gets on the bus. The woman could not help but notice him. Not only did she note his very appealing face, but also his strong, bare, muscular arms. He too could not find a seat. He had to squeeze in with the others who were standing. To her greatest pleasure, the attractive man had positioned himself very, very close to her. As the bus ride continued, it became steadily warmer and warmer inside the bus. The woman became conscious of her raised arm, especially since she was wearing a sleeveless blouse. So as not to become too conspicuous, she touched her raised underarm. YUCK! She had forgotten to shave her armpits and the hair had grown to enormous proportions! Not only that, it was soooo sweaty and a foul odor reeked from it. She had forgotten to put deodorant, too! Oh my God, what was she going to do???? So she decided to cover her armpit with her hand. Suddenly, the attractive man who was pressed close to her remarked, "Miss, do you have crush on me?" Shocked the woman asked, "Goodness how can you ask me that?" The attractive man said, "Coz, you've been holding my armpit since I boarded!" ** Off the net, origin unknown ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 08:51:54 +0100 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #14 (3rd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do not read this while swimming And speaking of lawyers, the other day as I changed the ink cartridge on my Epson printer at home I noticed the following warning: "Keep out of reach of children and do not drink." That was a warning written by a lawyer. Here are others, as collected off the Internet by reader Thomas Sommers. * Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." * On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner. No purchase necessary. Details inside." * A bar of Dial soap: "Use like regular soap." * Some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." * On a hotel-provided shower cap: "Fits one head." * Tesco's tiramisu dessert: "Do not turn upside down (printed on the bottom of the box)." * Marks & Spencer bread pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." * Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." * Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery." * Nytol sleeping aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." * Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." * On a food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." * Sainsbury's Peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." * An American Airlines package of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." * On a chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with hands." And in a direct challenge to lawyer speak comes this sign posted by the British army near one of its bases in central Wales and found by a staffer of the trade magazine Travel Weekly: "Do not touch any military debris. It may explode and kill you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 12:11:55 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: Best Friends A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. His best friend happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Ben,"says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?" I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. "But," says the other man, "*I'm* your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! **HE** is!" ------- The state patrol car FINALLY got the speeding car to stop, and the cop asked, "Buddy, why didn't you stop when I turned on my flashing lights? Did you think that you could outrun ME?" "I'm sorry, officer. But, last week, my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you was him trying to bring her back!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 10:44:16 -0600 From: Janelle Barker Subject: limerick There once was a poet named Dan, Whose poetry just would not scan. When pointed out why, He said with a sigh, "I know, because I try to fit every last syllabul on the last line that I can." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 15:21:22 -0400 From: Patrick Ash Subject: Technology on Wheels A woman bought a new Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway there, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer where she found her salesman and began to angrily explain that her radio was not working. They must replace it, she insisted, since it only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was the latest in digital technology and was voice-activated. She would only need to state aloud the type of station that she wanted and the car would find it. She got into the car, started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a tune by Deana Carter. Satisfied she started for home. After a while she decided to try out the radio again and said "rock 'n' roll," and the radio station changed to a song by the Rolling Stones. Now quite pleased with herself, she continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light forcing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. She angrily exclaimed, "Freakin', Inbred Low-life!" And the radio cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference... ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 17:38:34 -0400 From: "Lara B. Little" Subject: HUMOR: another dumb criminal A student at our university had a paper due for her art class, and apparently needed illustrations. So, in a display of her immense respect for said university and the library, she cut illustrations out of library books. She glued these cut-out illustrations to regular paper, labeled the illustrations and included them as pages in her paper. Why is this so stupid? She cited the illustrations, right down to the page numbers of the books they came from, in her bibliography! Needless to say, the professor noticed that the illustrations weren't photocopies, and came to the library and found the mutilated books and brought them to our attention. Sigh...and these kids are our future? Lara Little http://www.mindspring.com/~blittle/odosbucket ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 09:32:17 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: The Art Of Loving Jai was bragging that in HIS country there were 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one." "Oh," sniffed Jai, "just one? And which way is that?" "Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . " "Allah be Praised!!!" Jai exclaims, "Number 80!!!" Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 May 1999 to 5 May 1999 **********************************************