From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Jun 1999 to 2 Jun 1999 There are 8 messages totalling 506 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Top5 - 6/1/99 - You've Hired The Wrong Counselor 2. Young And Innocent 3. Ethnicity 4. Humor - Weird Business News #15 (1st of 3) 5. A Couple of Adult Jokes (adult) 6. History Lessons (Puns) 7. US ARMY answering machine message 8. Temperance ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 06:09:50 -0400 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 6/1/99 - You've Hired The Wrong Counselor ================================================================ June 1, 1999 The Top 15 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Marriage Counselor 15> Degree on the wall reads "Doctor of Swingology." 14> Keeps repeating, "If you can't change course, you must divorce." 13> "I'm afraid there's not much you can do with a penis that small." 12> Her latest book: "Women Are From Venus, Men Are Lyin' Bastards" 11> "Just shut up and screw" doesn't seem like very good advice. 10> After you've earned enough "session points", you get to choose either a Louisville Slugger or a Tazer gun. 9> When you and your spouse claim sexual incompatibility, he throws a couple of pillows on the floor and says, "Prove it." 8> "Communication, schmunication - let's talk about 'backdoor love'..." 7> "Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Dr. Ike Turner will see you now." 6> You quickly discover that his motto, "Don't worry, be happy" is pretty much the extent of his knowledge of the English language. 5> Always takes Hillary's side. 4> In order to open the lines of communication, she begins the first session by hooking your genitals up to a car battery and tossing your wife the keys. 3> Agrees with husband that a request to "honk on Bobo" is foreplay enough. 2> "Mrs. Jones, I believe your husband is correct. You are a whiny bitch." and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Marriage Counselor... 1> Her last name has six hyphens. [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ] [ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" ] Rumination of the Day They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be damned if I am going to roll twelve shopping carts out of the grocery store. (Thanks to Erin Page) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 06:30:33 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Young And Innocent A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked. "Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly. "Look, I'll give you a raise." "No," she said "You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me." "Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..." Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear, it's nature. Look I have it too...." "Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well." (Thanks to Chip Eller) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 08:18:10 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Ethnicity A policeman pulled a Polack over after he'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where you were going?" The Polack: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving." ------------------------------------------- There once was a Jew from Peru who was vainly attempting to screw. His wife screamed "oy vey, if you keep up this way, The Messiah will come before you!" ------------------------------------------- A white man, a black man and a Mexican sit down at a bar. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down right next to them. The three begin an argument over who will approach her first. Used to this, the woman turns to them and says, "Listen boys, I'm a woman of culture and which ever one of you can use both the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in the same sentence can take me home." "That's easy," said the white guy. "I like liver and I like cheese," he says as he gestures for her to come over. "Oh, not nearly good enough!" says the woman. With that, the black man said "Aww shit, mama, don't be givin' me no liver and cheese!" and starts moving towards her. "No, no! That won't do either," the woman replies with a wave of her hand. The Mexican looks at his friends like they're nuts, walks up and puts his arm around the woman and smiles, "liver alone, cheese mine." ------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the Polish used car salesman? A: He got arrested for turning back the fuel gauges. ------------------------------------------- Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the bar." Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?" Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off... ------------------------------------------- Q. Did you hear about the black guy who tried to pass himself off as Mexican? A. He gave himself away by saying, "Adios, Muthafucka" ------------------------------------------- A US Congressman and his wife were fast asleep when a noise from downstairs woke the wife. "There's a thief in the house." she said, shaking her husband. Groggily, the Congressman replied, "Well, maybe there's a few in the Senate, but certainly not in the House." ------------------------------------------- Q: What's this: __X__ __Xski__ A: A PolAck co-signing a loan for black guy. ------------------------------------------- There once was a mohel from Minsk Who saved all his customers' skinsk Tho they looked odd in a jar He was kinder by far Than his zeyde, who made from them, a blintzk. ------------------------------------------- Q: How do you get rid of a lawn full of dandelions? A: Paint one black...the other ones will move! ------------------------------------------- The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in the plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their chutes. The Polack jumped first, pulled the cord, and started floating toward the earth. The Italian jumped, pulled the cord - and nothing happened. He pulled the safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Pole, plummetting like a stone. "Ah HA!" shouted the Polack, yanking off his harness. "So ya wanna race!" ***************************************** When in Doubt, do as the Doubtians do. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 11:31:28 +0100 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #15 (1st of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Time now to look at the funny things that happen in business as it strives to make a buck. In other words, it's more Weird Business News. Our Geek Speak Award to Texas Micro of Houston, which just accepted a takeover offer of $115 million in stock from RadiSys Corp. and announced: "Texas Micro is strong in PCI, with an extensive offering of CPU cards and system packaging. We can now combine this with RadiSys` PCI DSP voice-processing products and WAN communication adapters from the ARTIC business. RadiSys has the leading position today in CompactPCI, with CPU solutions, DSP boards, voice processing, and WAN interfaces. Texas Micro adds CompactPCI system packaging and high-availability fault-tolerant developments." The Let's Hear It For The News Award to the North American Precis Syndicate, which offers already written stories -- on CD-ROM so you don't even have to punch them into the newspaper computer system. They are dandy stories written by public relations agencies. And They Are Also Putting On Mascara Award to the 40 percent of the drivers who said in a survey by Exxon Corp. that while driving they are also talking on a cell phone. The Oceans of Profit Award to the marketers of Vitamin O, touted in advertisements as a treatment for cancer and other life-threatening diseases. Federal consumer protection officials said it is "nothing more than salt water." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 21:08:05 EDT From: Robert Prieto Subject: A Couple of Adult Jokes (adult) These were sent to me from jokesbyjen. --------------------------------------------------- ((Thanks to Dave Heap for this one!)) A guy with a very black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a major black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?" Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with hugh breasts was there, so instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh, and she hauled off and hit me in the eye." First guy: "Wow, this IS a coincidence. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning, and I meant to say to my wife, please pass the box of Wheaties, but I accidentally said, you ruined my whole life you stupid bitch." ------------------------------------------- 8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day. "Mommy," says the little Mary, "how old are you?" "Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is." "Why not?" demands the child. "Well, that is something you will understand one day when you're grown-up." "Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?" "Never mind." answers the mother. "Why can't you tell me?" "Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand someday." "Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?" "Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now." A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems... "All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need." So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are! You are 35!" The mother is very surprised. "And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?" The mother is shocked. "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." The mother, dumb founded asked, "Why?" "It's because you got an F in sex." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 20:10:31 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: History Lessons (Puns) Fu Man Chu This is a story about the famous Chinese general Fu Man Chu who went to invade Siberia during the winter. One of the defending Siberian generals had spies who would run up into the mountains, spy on the Chinese, and return with messages about the state of the invaders. During one night, there was a terrible snow and ice storm, and the renowned Chu was said to have died from the cold. The messenger returned to the Siberian general's camp and gave the following report, ... "Many are cold, but Chu is frozen." Thai Justice Throughout the 17th, 18th, and most of the 19th century the punishment for many crimes (including such comparatively minor ones as picking pockets) in Thailand was the ritual blinding of the offender. This punishment became more and more unpopular and an underground resistance movement developed. The men who performed this ritual blinding became the increasingly common target for assassination, usually by bombs. Indeed, so many were killed by bombs that the position became increasingly difficult to fill. The pay was high, but the danger of death by explosion was higher. In time the government gave up and abandoned blinding as a means of punishment. Today we remember the resistance movement because of their famous protest song: ... "Blast Be The Thai That Blinds." The Czar It's said that, during the reign of Czar Nicholas II, an American visitor to the royal court was boasting about the Grand Canyon. Nicholas, not to be outdone by a mere American, retorted that Mother Russia had its own canyon, one that dwarfed the American's puny excuse for a canyon. "Show me!" insisted the American. Nicholas agreed, and the two undertook a trip to the site of the Russian canyon. After many days of travel, they reached the site -- where Nicholas revealed that there was no Russian canyon, and he had been pulling his visitor's leg all along. This may be the first recorded instance of ... czar chasm. (By Robert Payes) History Deconstructed In addition to what we normally hear in history class, the famous early-19th century French general was not only responsible for a revolution in military strategy, but also he helped develop certain pieces of weaponry such as the hand grenade. The only problem occurred when a friend asked him what would happen if one of his weapons was detonated on the kitchen floor. Clearly, the answer was ... linoleum blown-apart. Darius the Mede Once there was a conference of scholars investigating ancient history. They were considering the nationality of King Darius, mentioned in the Bible as Darius the Mede. Some of those present took the different view that Darius was actually from Persia. Tempers began to flare, until one wise professor said, "Let's not argue this! ... After all, one man's Mede is another man's Persian." ... Are you Shah? ... Sultanly A Bit of History In the year 356 B.C., Philip of Macedonia and his wife Olympia were about to become the proud parents of a baby boy. It had been foretold that the child would grow up to become a famous leader and warrior. The night before the child was born, a voice spoke to Philip in a dream. "Arise, go out into the streets and seek a most mysterious sign. When you behold evidence that nocturnal birds of prey have begun nesting underground in the city's drainage system, The name by which your illustrious son will be known for all time will be revealed to you." Philip awoke, told his wife about the voice and quickly went out to seek the sign. After a short while he returned. "Well tell me, said Olympia, "did you see anything?" ... "Yes, owl eggs under the grate!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 20:07:28 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: US ARMY answering machine message >>> > U.S. ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory Consideration Of Others training, we will return your call. >>> > Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers: >>> > If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps. >>> > If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitued bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding. >>> > If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missle service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis. >>> > If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force. >>>> If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified. >>> > If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your butt off daily, risking your life, in all weathers and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office. >>> > Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 09:29:05 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Temperance (via Lynne ) A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River." Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jun 1999 to 2 Jun 1999 **********************************************