From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Thursday, June 03, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Jun 1999 to 3 Jun 1999 There are 11 messages totalling 480 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Two Steel Balls 2. Top5 - 6/2/99 - Little Known Government Departments 3. WoW, What a Night 4. Q & A 5. Jaywalking in Jerusalem (fwd) not offensive 6. Quotin' ScripTURE 7. Humor - Weird Business News #15 (2nd of 3) 8. 5 years ago - Offensive to Baptists 9. The Job Interview (Pun) 10. Little Johnny 11. Couplet ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 10:06:42 +0300 From: Felix Chirciu Subject: Two Steel Balls The Army Forces Special Corpse is conducting an experiment. So they put up an ad for volunteers, and sure enough, in no time they get an American, a German, and a French who are all willing to participate. The experts have all of these guys locked up in separate rooms that contain nothing else but two large steel balls. A week passes by, and the experts unlock the doors to see what has happened. In the first room, they find the American, dressed up for sports, lifting the balls with both hands. He seemed very happy for the chance he had got to build up. In the second room, the German guy had used his buttons to make up a design all over the floor. He was also very happy because the balls had given him the idea of a new and improved machinery which he had designed. In the third room, they find the French guy, sad and sitting in a corner, with one steel ball laying around. "What happened?" asked the experts. "Well, nothing much," said the French. "I'm just waiting here." "But what about the balls? Have you done anything with them?" "A, the balls. Well, the first one broke down, and I lost the other one." Felix ---------- "Shhhhh... be vewy, vewy quiet! I'm hunting wabbits!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 06:15:49 -0400 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 6/2/99 - Little Known Government Departments ================================================================ June 2, 1999 NOTE FROM CHRIS: Today's list comes from our competition to select new Top5 contributors... The Top 15 Little Known U.S. Government Departments 15> Office of Investigation of Unfair Internet Humor List Hiring Practices 14> Department of Annexation: Because those damned Canadians can't hold out forever. 13> Bureau for Explaining that What Happens on "The X-Files" is Not Real 12> Dept. of Chinese Nuclear Technology (formerly Dept. of Defense) 11> Why are Pork Chops Shaped Like South America Dept. 10> Official Judiciary Department In Determined Investigation To Uncover Deception Of Real Killers (O.J.D.I.D.I.T.U.D.O.R.K.) 9> Strom Thurmond Animation and Preservation Department 8> Bureau of Alcohol, Tabasco, and Fire Alarms 7> Committee to Re-Erect the President 6> Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Big-Ass Monster Trucks, Jerry Springer, and Butt Cracks You Could Lose A 12" Pipe Wrench In 5> Dept. of Empty Public Gestures 4> Th. Off. Gov't Dept. o. Abbrv. 3> Committee Rationalizing Appropriate Propogation Of Long Acronyms 2> Federal Mime Protection Program and Topfive.com's Number 1 Little Known U.S. Government Department... 1> Department of Internet Security and Censo...**NO CARRIER** [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ] [ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" ] ================================================================ Rumination of the Day Imagine what the world would sound like if the inventor if the telephone had been Alexander Graham Siren. (Thanks to Ed Zuccarelli) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 06:21:08 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: WoW, What a Night I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment. To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know? Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair was...on the other side of a wall you see... in another room sort of. And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall, very close. Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of... on the street...leaning against the building. But wow! What a night. What a night. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 08:08:22 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Q & A Q: What's the difference between a mistress, a hooker and a wife? A: The hooker says, "Faster, faster." The mistress says, "Slower, slower." The wife says, "But Leeeeeeeeeee, we had sex *last* month..." ------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. ------------------------------------------------- Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print. ------------------------------------------------- Q: What is a woman with sperm on her glasses most likely to say? A: "I saw that one coming..." ------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a diaphragm? A: A trampoline for dickheads. ------------------------------------------------- Q: Why didn't Smokey the Bear's wife ever get pregnant? A: Every time she got hot, he threw dirt on her and hit her with a shovel. ------------------------------------------------- Q: How is a blowjob like a lobster? A: They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home. ------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the little boy cannibal give to his mother for Mother's Day? A: A box of Farmer's Fannies. ------------------------------------------------- Q: What's white and 10 inches long? A: Nothing. ------------------------------------------------- Q: How did Nancy know Ronald Reagan had Alzheimer's disease?? A: When she sent him to the video store for "Scent of a Women", he brought back "A fish called Wanda"!! ------------------------------------------------- Q: What happened when the man with no arms tried to masturbate? A: He was stumped. ------------------------------------------------- Q. Why is armpit hair called "Moe" and facial hair called "Larry"? A. Because pubic hair is Curly. ************************************************ Pet Peeve #2 -- Hookers that backwash. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 10:08:51 -0400 From: Grady Lacy Subject: Jaywalking in Jerusalem (fwd) not offensive This I got from Michael Turniansky who got it from the Jewish humor list. From: Michael Turniansky Original-From: "rubin" Original-Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 17:39:12 -0500 The jaywalking problem in New York City reminded me of a time when my husband and I were on a visit to Jerusalem. As we waited patiently at a busy intersection for the "walk" signal, a young man sped across the street against the light. An elderly gentleman waiting with us turned and said sadly, "Two thousand years he's waiting for the Messiah, and he can't wait for a light." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 09:45:45 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Quotin' ScripTURE This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, "ACTS 2:38!!!" The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady, "How did you do this?" The woman replied, "I quoted scripture." The cop turned the burglar, "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?" The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 10:48:36 +0100 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #15 (2nd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What we meant to say is ... For those of you who like to call attention to my mistakes, let me refer you to a national Internet Web site that consists only of newspaper corrections -- www.slipup.com. The Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam Award to Hormel Foods, maker of that product. It has teamed up with the Mayo Clinic to study whether pig organs can be transplanted into human beings. Our She Will Be Too Fat To Fit Award to Caitlin Hedberg, 11, of Alcoa, Tenn. In a contest sponsored by cookie maker Nabisco, she won a 1999 Volkswagen Beetle filled with Oreo cookies. The Best Company Name -- as submitted by reader Mike Murray -- to Houston-based Diversified Specialists Inc. Second place in the company name award to Dippy Foods Inc. of Anaheim, Calif. Best Name for an Award Given By the Perfume Industry to Its Members: The Fifi. The Signs of the Times Award to It Must Be Heaven restaurant in Brenham, which posts a discreet little one on the wall that allows, "If you're smoking in here you better be on fire." And thanks to reader Dave Gatterman for sending it in. The Best Confusing Name Award to CANUSAMEX, whose headquarters is in The Woodlands. Company President Roy C. Strickland said the company provides logistical services in Canada, the Unite States and Latin America. But people are always calling, trying to hire casual labor from South of the Border. And still on the subject of names, there's a tree farm out near Simonton called the Big Nuts Tree Farm. That tip, by the by, came from someone I know only as CosmeticDe@aol.com. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 23:37:32 +0200 From: Alar ''The Joker'' Subject: 5 years ago - Offensive to Baptists 5 years ago this was a hot joke! --- Date sent: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 12:55:30 -0400 From: Tom Rowe Subject: Offensive to Baptists A man traveling out West drives out to a lookout over a canyon and finds another man standing on the top rail, apparently about to jump. He shouts "Wait, Wait! Don't do it." Without turning around, the other man replies "I can't take it anymore - I'm just going to end it." "It can't be that bad. Why don't you tell me about it?" He turns around. His face is a horrible caricature of a horse's face. "I can't live with the jokes, the ridicule, the little kids running away from me. I can't find a woman - its just too much." "Wow. I have to admit its pretty bad. But I believe that there is a reason behind everything; that God tests us every day in some way and there is a reward in Heaven for those that suffer. Tell me, do you believe in God?" "Yes, I do." "Christian or Jewish?" "Christian." "Me too. What denomination?" "Baptist." "Me too! Northern, Southern, or American Congress?" "Northern." "Me too! This is really something. Tell me, Pentacostal, Reformed, or Fundamentalist?" "Fundamentalist." "Me too! Great Lakes or Plains congregation?" "Great Lakes." "Me too!! 1869 or 1912 Convention?" "1912." Points finger and shouts "Die, you sinner!" ------------------------------------------------------------------- | Alar Pardla's Joke Collection... Collected humor since 1994 | | Have some serious fun at "Funny Jokes" - http://jokes.isp.ee/ | | or read a random joke -- http://jokes.isp.ee/cgi-bin/random.cgi | ------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 16:38:20 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Job Interview (Pun) The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale." "That's very good ... excellent. Your hired!" "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called." Jim answered" I don't care ...Yim ... or Mr. Yonson." (By Lee Daniel Quinn) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 20:35:17 -0400 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: Little Johnny A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 09:42:19 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Couplet * Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?" * Wife : "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!" Hubby : "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?" Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jun 1999 to 3 Jun 1999 **********************************************