From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Friday, June 04, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Jun 1999 to 4 Jun 1999 There are 6 messages totalling 254 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans 2. Homer Sexuals... 3. Humor - Weird Business News #15 (3rd of 3) 4. DEMO CRAPS SONG(off to demos)politics) 5. The Will (Pun) 6. Aerobics Instructors ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 06:18:39 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans 10. "Read My Lips - No New Interns" 9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long" 8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?" 7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign" 6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife" 5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job" 4. "Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!" 3. "From Perjury To Albany" 2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It" 1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas" (Thanks to Robert) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 08:08:48 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Homer Sexuals... Q: Why did the lesbian cut her trip to China short? A: She missed her native tongue. ------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the queer bear who laid his paw on the table? How about the queer termite who only ate mail boxes? How about the queer midget who went into the bar and kissed every guy in the joint? ------------------------------------------- Q: What do you say to a lesbian with no arms or legs? A: Nice tits. Bitch. ------------------------------------------- A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet... he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married! He tells his mother that he's sure she will be happier, since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted, and then asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?" ------------------------------------------- Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian? A: Vagitarian. ------------------------------------------- "Mommy, Mommy, what's an Oedipus complex?" "Shut up and kiss me!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Daddy, Daddy, what's a transvestite?" "Shut up and unhook my bra!" ------------------------------------------- Snow White and the seven dwarves were just good friends......but that's just another fairy story. ------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a transvestite with a vasectomy? A: A seedless fruit. ******************************************************* Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. -- Woody Allen ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 09:22:06 +0100 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #15 (3rd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Something from the dessert truck The Let's Build a Really Big Food Item and See If Someone Is Stupid Enough To Write About It Award to Splenda Brand low-calorie sweetener. The item: A 7-foot-tall, 1,000-pound chocolate layer cake. The It's Not a General Protection Fault Error to The Ultimate Silicon Valley Slang Page for the following unusual computer error messages. =B7 Code 18: An error made by what's sitting 18 inches from the monitor. =B7 BDU: Brain Dead User. Someone who calls technical support instead of reading the instructions. =B7 PEBCAK: Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard. From an unnamed reader comes a postcard she received from the Leadership Texas Athenaeum promoting female leaders, set for June 16-19 in El Paso. The picture on the other side of the card shows six women dressed in bordello chic. The reader asks, "What are they selling?" The Service of the Month Award -- or perhaps it should be the What Happened to the Neighbor's Flower Bed? -- to Tidi-Dawg of Houston. For $10 a week for one dog, $3.50 for each additional one, Tidi-Dawg will come to your house and remove the offerings your dog has placed on your lawn. Product of the Month Award to the East of Chicago Pizza Co. of Willard, Ohio, for its peanut butter and jelly pizza. Please hold the anchovies on mine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 12:13:32 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: DEMO CRAPS SONG(off to demos)politics) LIBERAL DEMOCRATS Tune: The theme song from the cartoon "Animaniacs" We're liberal Democrats And we love to spend and tax So just sit back and relax Until we cause you to collapse We're liberal Democrats! Come join us liberal Democrats, we're quite a crazy lot We'll complain about the rich, while we take all that you got You'll vote us out of office, whenever we get caught We shun the blame; It's all a game. And now you know the plot! We're liberal Democrats Teddy drinks and Bonior yaks We will complains about the PACs While we raise your income tax We're liberal Democrats! We're liberal Democrats We hate all the Republican contracts. We'll tax you to the max And steal the wallet from your slacks! We'll drive you insaney Throwing your money down the drainy On things that are zany We're liberal Democrats!!! source:newsgroup -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 18:57:28 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Will (Pun) Bjorn Swensen opened his mailbox to find a letter from a law firm. Since the young man could not remember doing anything worthy of a lawsuit and as he was too desperately poor to be worth suing, he opened the envelope. Inside, he found notification that his Uncle Juan had died, and the will mentioned Bjorn. The will stipulated that if Bjorn changed his name and became old Juan's namesake, he would inherit millions. The young man was stymied. He was already named after an uncle who he loved and respected. Bjorn went to his loving girl friend, and the two tried to decide what was the moral, ethical and sane thing to do. Together, they went to a judge to find out if a name change could be temporary, and discovered it could. The young man decided he would temporarily become "Juan." The judge officiated the name change, and that evening the young man and his love went to dinner with her parents, whom he had never met. She introduced the young man to her mother and father, who seemed puzzled to be meeting "Juan," instead of the "Bjorn" they had heard so much about. "Don't worry," his girl friend explained quickly, . . . "He was Bjorn yesterday, and he'll be Bjorn again next week." Her father replied, "Well, at least it was good that they made him keep the name for a week I'd hate to think that . . . there was Juan Bjorn every minute!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 09:50:12 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Aerobics Instructors Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer? A. The torturer would apologize first. Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road? A. Someone on the other side could still walk. Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One! Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first? A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist. Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain and agony? A. Unemployed. Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist? A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jun 1999 to 4 Jun 1999 **********************************************