From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, June 05, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Jun 1999 to 5 Jun 1999 There are 9 messages totalling 395 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. At The Shoe Store 2. License Plate 3. First Aid for Non-Medically Minded People 4. How People Think (off. to Irishmen) 5. Stupid Criminal Story #13 6. Talented Octopus [mildly adult] 7. 5 years ago - What is a tape tree? 8. The Car Buyer (Pun) 9. NAME THAT TUNE!!(aDULLT) Subject: At The Shoe Store A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling the tongue out" offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 08:12:32 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: License Plate It took the Department of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke this personalized license plate: 3M TA3 Can you tell why? (see answer below) | | | | | | | | | | | 3M TA3 Because it reads EAT ME in a rear view mirror. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 08:14:11 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: First Aid for Non-Medically Minded People *** Electrocution *** Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be. ----------------------------------------- *** Treating Burns and Scalds *** Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example. ----------------------------------------- *** Fractures and Broken Limbs *** Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh. ----------------------------------------- *** Choking on Food *** Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time. ----------------------------------------- *** Cuts and Wounds *** Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha Ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know. ----------------------------------------- *** Objects Stuck In The Eye *** Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it. ----------------------------------------- *** Concussion *** When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then total up the victims score and send it to me at this address: Concussion Quiz, P.O. Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345 The highest score wins a mystery prize. Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blind or something." (via The Mouthpiece) **************************** What do you mean my urine sample is too small? ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 11:24:23 -0400 From: "Charles H. Tidwell, Sr." Subject: How People Think (off. to Irishmen) It was an Irishman, Austin O'Malley, who said: An Englishman thinks seated; a Frenchman, standing; an American, pacing; an Irishman, afterward. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 11:22:05 +0100 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Stupid Criminal Story #13 Police: Dopey duo blunder to jail By Steve Whipple, Eagle-Tribune Writer The two Lawrence men who robbed their own banks, used their own cars and spent the money that wasn't splattered with red dye on a junket to =46oxwoods Casino were arrested over the weekend. John Zito, 42, and Douglas Banks, 28, both of the Windsor House rooming house at 248 Broadway, were arrested for unarmed bank robbery for robbing three banks last week. Police say Mr. Banks has a $500- to $600-a-day heroin habit to support, while Mr. Zito's habit costs $200 to $250 a day. Methuen Detective Thomas McMenamon said if stupidity were a crime, ''They'd be charged for it.'' The arrests were a result of an anonymous tip from a person who saw the two men's pictures in Friday's Eagle-Tribune, as well as a joint effort by Methuen and Andover detectives and a heads-up from Salem, N.H., police. Copyright=A9 1999 Eagle-Tribune Publishing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 13:59:16 -0400 From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: Talented Octopus [mildly adult] with many thanks to: Andy Grossman [SMTP:GROSSMAN@TREMCOINC.COM] > A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a > stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. > He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the > crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc., but says that he will > wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that theoctopus can't play! > > The first challenger walks up with a guitar. The octopus starts playing > better than Jimi Hendrix. So the guy gets $50. > > Another challenger walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet > better than Dizzie Gillespie, and the guy gets *another* $50! > > A third challenger walks up with a set of bagpipes. He sits them down and > the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused > look. > "Ahha," the challenger exclaims, "can't you play it?!" > The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as > soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off!!!!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 23:00:41 +0200 From: Alar ''The Joker'' Subject: 5 years ago - What is a tape tree? 5 years ago this was a hot joke! --- Date sent: Sat, 4 Jun 1994 13:42:05 EDT From: Bill Subject: What is a tape tree? Reposted From: narad@nudibranch.engr.sgi.com (Chuck Narad) In article <145897@hydra.gatech.EDU>, you write: > What is a tape tree? I understand that it has to do with tapeing > shows. How do you get on one. I would like to get involved in tape > trading but am never able to make shows. > > - thomas kimberly I'm glad you asked that question. Tape trees are a little-known deciduous variety in the nightshade family. Various species have been cultivated around the world for years, providing people with the essential tapes for all aspects of their lives. In scotland, for example, farmers have bred tape trees to produce the familiar "Scotch Tape" with the Transparent, Wide, and 2-Side species. Duck hunters in the american midwest are of course quite familiar with the Duck Tape tree; they harvest the fruits of this fine spreading tree, open them with a hunting knife, and spread it on the ground beneath the tree. Unsuspecting ducks are attracted to the gray strips, and look closely at them to see if there are any bugs stuck to it (as they might find on a Fly Paper Bush). The tape sticks to the poor ducks' eyes, and they stagger in circles around the tree until the hunters dispatch the feathered creatures in the well-known "Duck Blind" ceremony. As far afield as Papua New Guinea, tape trees have supplied other ceremonial materials. Who, for instance, can forget the riveting spectacle of cannibal tribesmen covering their faces with "Masking Tape" in last year's National Geographic special? Musicians often carry an amulet containing the rare "Audition Tape" that can be found only on Albino Climbing Casette Tape vines. Despite the lack of any evidence of this helping, many aspiring musicians will refuse to leave home without it. Farmer Max Points, in Dead Hollow, Michigan is of course credited with the discovery of the Audio Tape tree, which emits a pleasing snapping and hissing sound when the tape is peeled from the fruits of this noble plant. Even today people seek out Farmer Points, and can often be heard to cry, "What happened to Max Points?" when travelling through that fine state. Getting on a tape tree is not as easy as it might seem, but getting off of one is nearly impossible; powerful sap makes each branch a death trap, and in the tape tree jungles of Brazil one can find the mummified remains of many a budding "taper", as the tapefruit harvesters are known in the local lingo. Tape trading seems to be a harmless activity, and no home in america is lacking at least a few varieties of the Common Scotch varieties. Clubs exist to discuss and exchange tape samples, and one can often find such interesting varieties as "Police Line, Do Not Cross" tape at their events. So next time you "tape up" a centerfold from that swedish art magazine, pause a moment and reflect on how that little tree affects so many aspects of your life. I know I will. Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet ------------------------------------------------------------------- | Alar Pardla's Joke Collection... Collected humor since 1994 | | Have some serious fun at "Funny Jokes" - http://jokes.isp.ee/ | | or read a random joke -- http://jokes.isp.ee/cgi-bin/random.cgi | ------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 17:22:53 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Car Buyer (Pun) One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see. Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" "No son, I want this color." "But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, . . . Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 21:16:04 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: NAME THAT TUNE!!(aDULLT)