From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Friday, July 02, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Jul 1999 to 2 Jul 1999 (#1999-18) There are 9 messages totalling 406 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Things Only Women Understand 2. The rabbit 3. Whisper Sweet Nothings... 4. Holy Cow!! [suicide; fornication] 5. What I've learned 6. Definitions By Gender 7. Tech Support Calls #2 8. It's A Wacky World! #69 9. How about a vacation? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 06:03:27 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Things Only Women Understand 10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made And the number One thing only women understand 1. OTHER WOMEN http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 13:31:51 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: The rabbit (Brought to you in an unrelenting attempt to cause brain damage). A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes". "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing". ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 08:22:05 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Whisper Sweet Nothings... At that sweet, passionate moment, you say... -- Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon. -- How many storage boxes can you fit in there?! -- You must be very experienced. -- Remember, you said this was a freebie...right? -- Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in. -- I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it. -- Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt? -- Would you mind rolling around in this flour? -- I heard carpenters dream about you. -- So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. -- Look....I can get my whole arm in. -- It's a good thing you have so many other talents. -- Is that an optical illusion? -- If I look right at it, I feel like I'm falling in. -- Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head? -- Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off? -- Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish? -- I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. -- Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? -- I've been wondering all night what that smell was. -- Maybe if I get really wasted I won't mind your body. -- You know they have surgery to fix that. -- Everybody down at the bar said you were good. -- Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away. -- Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel. -- I expect a good time... at least, the bathroom wall said so. -- You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway. -- You're not *that* fat. -- I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out. -- Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does. (via Original Sins) ***************************************************** Are you standing on your head, or would you like a breath mint? -- Doug Robarchek ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 08:39:25 -0400 From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: Holy Cow!! [suicide; fornication] Holy Cow!! On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 10:41:17 EDT From: Robert Prieto Subject: What I've learned I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned- that it's not what you have in your life but how much you have in your bank accounts. I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. I've learned- that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want. I've learned- you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money. I've learned- that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned- that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication. I've learned- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned- that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after. I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character. I've learned- that my best friend and I can do anything except see "Everest" at the museum of science. I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned- that sometimes when I'm angry I have PMS, God helps all in my vicinity. I've learned- that true friendship continues to grow, until you get your stuff back in the mail with no note. I've learned- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed. I've learned- that maturity is a magazine for old fucks. I've learned- that your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one and the horse tooth girl will more than be there for "you". I've learned- that no matter how good a chick is, she'll only contribute to your alcoholism. I've learned- that no matter how badly your heart is broken therapy is still expensive. I've learned- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for all lost or stolen articles while on the premises. I've learned- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't have secret plans to move out. I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned- that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could be Victoria's. I've learned- that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes. I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned- that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours. I've learned- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the door. I've learned- that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned- To say "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 11:56:49 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Definitions By Gender This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info. --------------D763CC4915CFF7618B485550 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=us-ascii Content-ID: THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes. --------------D763CC4915CFF7618B485550-- ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 14:11:14 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: Tech Support Calls #2 And here we have an update of the old Abbot and Costello "Who's on First?" routine. It might well serve as a reminder to those who revel in esoteric jargon that, if you use words the way you want to, ignoring their usual definitions, this is no basis for feeling smugly superior when you are misunderstood . jhm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 16:40:41 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: It's A Wacky World! #69 Beds intended to help cows milk their sleep. Not sleeping well? Want to be more productive? In most countries that goes for the people. In Belgium, it also goes for the cows. For most of the eight millennia since cows were domesticated, they have been content to bunk down on straw or sawdust or even in concrete stalls. Some even sleep standing up, in fields, oblivious to the dangers of cow-tipping. But in food-mad Belgium, that's about to change. Recticel, Belgium's biggest bedding manufacturer, will begin selling cow mattresses this year in a market that the company said could bring it 50 million to 100 million Belgian francs ($1.3 million to $2.6 million) in the first year. The mattresses will retail for 5,000 to 6,000 francs each. Belgian farmers contend that for good milk production, cows need to spend at least 10 hours a day lying down. Two years of tests have found that choosy cows chose Recticel's "Animate" mattresses, -- colored green for the pasture effect -- made of water-resistant recycled polyurethane foam and available in two sizes, depending on the dimensions of the cow's stall. -- Bloomberg News ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Source: Houston Chronicle ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 09:26:51 -0400 From: chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM Subject: How about a vacation? A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer". He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?" Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jul 1999 to 2 Jul 1999 (#1999-18) *********************************************************