From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Monday, July 05, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Jul 1999 to 5 Jul 1999 (#1999-21) There are 4 messages totalling 165 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. White Folks (aDULLT)off to racists... 2. Preparing Men For The Millenium 3. 2 4 the 4th (Puns) 4. Humor - Weird Business News #16 (3rd of 3) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 4 Jul 1999 07:24:45 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: White Folks (aDULLT)off to racists... Back in the early days of steam ships, a ship of rich white people sailed at sea. All of a sudden something happened to the ship and it was about to sink. Terrified, the people aboard didn't know what to do. Someone suggested they do what the Negroes did.....pray. But unfortunately no one knew what to say. So they called upon Titanus, a black cook on the ship and asked him to pray. Titanus agreed and came up on deck to pray. He started like this: "Lord on a day of hunger I went to a restaurant to get something to eat and the sign said: FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY. I went to a water fountain to get water and the sign said: FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY. Then Lord, I went to the restroom to take a shit and the sign said: FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY. So Lord Almighty when this motherfucker sinks, let it be FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY......................AMEN" -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY GO 4th .... " :-> ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Jul 1999 10:05:47 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Preparing Men For The Millenium Training Courses Now Available For Men: 1) Introduction To Common Household Objects I - The Mop 2) Introduction To Common Household Objects II - The Sponge 3) Dressing Up - Beyond The Funeral And The Wedding 4) Refrigerator Forensics - Identifying And Removing The Dead 5) Design Pattern Or Splatter Stain On The Linoleum - You CAN Tell the Difference 6) Accepting Loss I - If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away 7) Accepting Loss II - If The Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In The Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back 8) Going To The Supermarket - It's Not Just For Women Anymore 9) Recycling Skills I - Boxes That The Electronics Came In 10) Recycling Skills II - Styrofoam That Came In The Boxes That The Electronics Came In 11) Bathroom Etiquette I - How To Remove Beard/Mustache Clippings From The Sink 12) Bathroom Etiquette II - Let's Wash Those Towels! 13) Bathroom Etiquette III - Five Easy Ways To Tell When You're About To Run Out Of Toilet Paper 14) Giving Back To The Community - How To Donate 15 Year Old Elvis To The Goodwill 15) Retro Or Just Hideous? Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts 16) No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves - Knowing The Limitations Of Your Kitchenware 17) Romance - More Than A Cable Channel 18) Strange But True - She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down And Ten" Means 19) Going Out To Dinner - Beyond The Pizza Hut 20) Expand Your Entertainment Options - Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under The "Action/Adventure" Category 21) Yours, Mine, and Ours - Sharing The Remote 22) "I Could Have Played A Better Game Than That!" - Why Women Laugh 23) Adventures In Housekeeping I - Let's Clean The Closet 24) Adventures in Housekeeping II - Let's Clean Under The Bed 25) "I Don't Know" - Be The First Man To Say It 26) The Gas Gauge In Your Car - Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty 27) Directions - It's Okay To Ask For Them 28) Listening - It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime 29) Accepting Your Limitations - Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Jul 1999 11:48:10 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: 2 4 the 4th (Puns) Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first American flag was made by Betsy Ross. What they are not taught was that she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used by Gallop and others. It started when she asked a group of colonists what they thought of the flag she had made. This was the origin of ... the flag poll. During the Revolutionary War, England lost the battle of Saratoga because General Howe stayed in Philadelphia. History books now state that it was due to . . . "lack of no Howe.” ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Jul 1999 15:02:58 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #16 (3rd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some names to float your boat Things you might not know if you didn't read this column. The most popular name for a boat in 1999 is Misty, ousting such long-term favorites as Serenity, Odyssey and Obsession. And thanks to the Boat Owners Association of the United States for that bit of riveting info. From Eileen C. Shapiro, author of such serious business books as Fad Surfing in the Boardroom: Managing in the Age of Instant Answers, comes these definitions. · Passengers: As seen by the airlines, air freight with an attitude. · Entrepreneur: A person whose ideas exceed his cash, and whose need for cash is exceeded only by his desire for control. · Knowledge worker: A person who has traded union protection for carpal tunnel syndrome. · Exit interview: A three-monkey exercise in which the person leaving speaks no evil, the person conducting the interview hears no evil, and in consequence there is no evil that anybody anyplace in the company has to see or address. · Ultra-high performance: Meets the specs most of the time. · Market forces: A perfectly serviceable concept frequently hijacked as an excuse for pillaging the public trust. · Blur: What's left after all the jargon about the information age has blown by. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jul 1999 to 5 Jul 1999 (#1999-21) *********************************************************