From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, August 04, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Aug 1999 to 4 Aug 1999 (#1999-51) There are 10 messages totalling 477 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Suicide Foiled 2. Definitions By Gender 3. The rest of the Story 4. Quirks 5. Humor - Weird Business News #17 (3rd of 3) 6. Top Ten 7. More Amer'can Hyperbole 8. Blind Date 9. If Operating Systems run the Airlines 10. Tribute to Dr. Spooner (Puns) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 07:09:07 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Suicide Foiled 1st man: "I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin." 2nd man: "Oh really, what happened?" 1st man: "After the first two, I felt better." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 08:09:46 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Definitions By Gender THINGY: Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE: Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION: Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT: Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT: Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT: Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE: Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. REMOTE CONTROL: Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 08:33:20 -0400 From: Steve and Cindy Subject: The rest of the Story The rest of the Story His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of." And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St.Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill. Someone once said: What goes around comes around. 1. Work like you don't need the money. 2. Love like you've never been hurt. 3. Dance like nobody's watching. It's National Friendship Week Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. Pass this on, and brighten someone's day. Nothing will happen if you do not decide to pass it along. The only thing that will happen, if you DO pass it on, is that someone might smile (because of you). ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 09:11:33 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Quirks Little Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty, ..Most people deserve each other. ..All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken. ..The one who snores will fall asleep first. ..The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding. ..The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse. ..Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind. ..If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need. ..The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with. ..Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed. ************************************* Observation, not old age, brings wisdom. -- Publilius Syrus (fl. B.C. 42) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 11:16:33 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #17 (3rd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Train her in geography. From reader (and apprentice old fogy) Michael Fjetland comes this lament about computers. "Remember when if you had a 3 1/2-inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out?" True Travel Agent Tales as collected by the trade magazine Travel Weekly. "A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, `Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?' " The Best Web Cam Site for the Millennium to the Daystar International Ministry. There are live video feeds ranging from ones showing the size of the waves at surfing spots to whether the soft drink machine down the hall is empty. Daystar aims higher. Its Webcam -- at www.olivetree.org/webcam.htm -- is pointed at Jerusalem's Eastern Gate, where the group expects the Messiah to return to Earth around the turn of the millennium. From A Usually Unreliable Source, the Internet, comes these allegedly true employee evaluations. · This individual should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. · A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. · Sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them. · A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. · If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. · The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. · Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes. · He has a knack for making strangers immediately. · Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. · He doesn't have ulcers but he's a carrier. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 14:48:31 EDT From: Robert Prieto Subject: Top Ten >From The David Letterman show: "TOP TEN CHAPTER TITLES IN HILLARY CLINTON'S BOOK ON ENTERTAINING" 10. Whoops! Never Seat Your Husband's Mistresses Next To One Another 9. Nothing But the Best When the Taxpayer's Picking Up the Tab 8. Arranging Hors d'oeuvres So They Subliminally Spell "Divorce Me" 7. What To Do When Your Husband's Mistress Arrives in the Same Dress As You 6. Roger Clinton: An Ideal Coffee Table 5. How To Keep Willie Nelson Off Your Roof 4. "What Sort Of Drinking Game Do You Have In Mind, Mr. Yeltsin?" 3. How to Make My Famous "If-I-Can't-Have-You-No-One-Can" Poison Meatloaf 2. How I Plan to Deport Martha Stewart 1. When Entertaining Chinese Dignitaries, Always Bow First to The One Who's Given You the Most Cash This Week's Clintoon: http://www.unitedmedia.com/editoons/wright/ab.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb denying enforcement of the vote. "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 17:30:42 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: More Amer'can Hyperbole ----from Copeland, Lewis (Ed.) "The World's Best Jokes," Garden City, New York: Garden City Books, 1936. ___________________________________________ RAIN IN TEXAS Speaking of rain, said Colonel Austin, I've seen it rain so danged hard it rained in the muzzle of my gun and busted the durned thing at the breech! The water began to rise on us --I've seen it rise so rapidly in my house that it flowed up the chimney and streamed 300 feet up into the air! Why, we put out a barrel without any heads in it, and it rained into the bunghole of that barrel faster than it could run out at both ends! And --wind! ... It blew a convention of Elks up against the court- house, and the next morning they went around with shovels and scraped them off, to use 'em as circus posters! (Pg. 98) CUT YOURSELF A PIECE OF MELON "Speakin' o' fertile soil," said the Yankee farmer, when the others had had their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to up my way. The first season I planted them I thought my fortune was sure made. Howsomever, I didn't harvest one." "Why was thet?" asked the stranger. "Wal, the vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' 'em around." (Pg. 104) -- Jim Mica --Your humble scribe. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 18:10:48 -0400 From: "William E. Grover" Subject: Blind Date Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Mary?" asked Scott. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 16:14:24 -0700 From: Sue Birkenseer Subject: If Operating Systems run the Airlines Hope that this isn't a repeat. I've been gone for a few weeks, and am out of touch. This is from a friend from Boeing, but I don't know where she got it. >UNIX Airways > >Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come >to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the >plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what >kind of plane they are supposed to be building. > >Air DOS > >Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump >on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. >Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... > >Mac Airlines > >All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents >look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions >about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't >need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done >for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. > >Windows Air > >The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, >easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After >about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning >whatsoever. > >Windows NT Air > >Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, >and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius >when it explodes. > >Linux Air > >Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to >start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, >and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to >cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download >and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you >are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the >seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is >very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without >a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to >tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but >all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?" -- Susan Birkenseer Sue@CircusPrepress.com ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 19:20:46 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Tribute to Dr. Spooner (Puns) The Bank Robber Which reminds me of the fellow who robbed a bank, then booked luxury class passage on an ocean liner. In hot pursuit were two policemen. The first night at sea, they observed the miscreant hiding his ill gotten gains under the tarpaulin of a lifeboat. One officer whispered to the other, ”That’s what I call ... stowing in guile.” (By Don Hauptman) On Safari We were creeping through hostile jungle, well camouflaged. I was covered with vines. My wife wore twigs. And so we pressed on bravely ... with sod on our guide. (By Anthony Gray) Gershwin George Gershwin, vacationing on Cape Cod with several colleagues, couldn’t decide whether to rehearse a composition or spend the afternoon cycling along the beach. “Which shall it be?” he asked his friends. “Do we get down to work, or do we ... bike up the strand?” (By Joseph Gelband) Audubon John James Audubon, pursuing an intense interest in the genetic traits of birds, raised a colony of European crows. One day, he met a friend who inquired, ... Bred any good rooks lately?” (By Michael Deskey) The Newsboy In Moscow, people felt sorry for the urchin who trudged along, bent under his heavy load of newspapers. But little Ivan held his head with pride, because, after all, ... he did have a clutch of Tass. (By Mary Ann Miller) The Lab Rat The laboratory rat, despite all urging, stubbornly refused to perform the assigned experiments. After a while, however, he reconsidered, and ... wended his maze. (Nanette Jay) The Padre Father O'Flaherty tried to enjoy himself at a baseball game, but the man sitting next to him kept bothering him with lots of questions. The priest bought a hot dog, and the vendor handed it to the talkative man. He passed it along to Father O'Flaherty, who downed it in one gulp. This was the first time a hot dog had ever gone . . . from the prying fan into the friar. Blenders The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home blenders and mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like this: "When in the South, yu'all, be sure to come to see the famous ... Dason Mixin' Line. Filming in Greece The famous film director, fighting a severe cold, was nevertheless on location in Athens, determined to complete his movie. One scene at an ancient ruin required so many takes that Milos soon developed laryngitis. To this day, locals who worked on the set remember the director as ... the hoarse Forman of the Acropolis. (By Chris Doyle) Travelers When Horrace Greely said, "go west young man." he had to eat his words. Many people tried to travel to the western states by rail road. The seats on the rail cars were very small and many of the larger people had to stay home. Thus the saying was born, ... "No west for the reary." Borders Here where we live in New Hampshire, the little creeks roll down the mountain across our fields, making endless little rivulets. My wife spend much of the year working on the borders of these streams, working hard to keep the borders clear and clean. If there is anything she likes, ... it is to weed a good brook. (By Donald Hall) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Aug 1999 to 4 Aug 1999 (#1999-51) *********************************************************