From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Thursday, August 05, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Aug 1999 to 5 Aug 1999 (#1999-52) There are 7 messages totalling 332 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Shorties 2. AIDS 3. Classified Ads (!?) 4. Brucie 5. The Poultry Farmer and Wallpaper (Puns) 6. XXX Astronomy 7. Good ol' Albert ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 06:56:06 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Shorties After seeing how Disney is doing financially, I was wondering if I could get the Southern Baptists to boycott my company. The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him. Of course I tip my waiters, but they never seem to appreciate my advice. When I told my 5-year-old this morning that I loved him, he replied, "Now what did you do wrong, Papa?" Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? My wife wanted a change of scenery, so I showed her the kitchen. While I was out of town, burglars broke into my apartment, but they didn't take anything.... It really hurt my feelings. If the Republicans were really serious about saving us money, they'd adjourn Congress as soon as the President signs the budget. Don't count on it. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 13:48:51 +0300 From: Felix Chirciu Subject: AIDS Two amish men meet on the street. "Yo fella." says the first. "Heard ya got AIDS lately. Ya gonna gimme some of that AIDS, won'cha?" The other fellow starts thinking as fast as he can. "If I tell him I dunno what that son-a-bitch AIDS is, he's gonna think me stupid or so. Not good. "If I tell him I won't give, he's gonna say me cheap. Or worse, maybe beat the shit outa poor me. Not good either. "So I take it I should give'im a parry answer." He turns to the first fellow and says, "Yo man. I'd give you some AIDS, only if I wouldn't have just a bit left of it, on the bottom." ----- Felix "Shhhh.... be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 07:38:46 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Classified Ads (!?) Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered, like one of the family. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business and be willing to get hands dirty. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 10:12:22 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Brucie Brucie is in a bar on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped. A big bouncer says, "Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the ass!" Brucie looks around, smiles, winks at the guy and says coyly, "I think you're bragging matey, but I'll give yer a fair go at it... I'm always game if you are..." -------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a gay male with diarrhea? A: Juicy fruit! -------------------------------------------------- Two gay guys were eating in a restaurant and had rice pudding for dessert. The first one said, "Mmm, that was good!" and asked the waiter for another serving. The waiter turned to kitchen and said, "Joe, come again on the rice pudding." The second gay says to the first,, "See, I told you!!" -------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the most popular lesbian pick-up line? A: "Your face, or mine?" -------------------------------------------------- A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as Mayor of Key West, Florida. After the election results were in, a horde of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won. A young reporter walked up to him and said, " Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies... I even heard that you kissed a parakeet. " The Mayor replied, "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet... I kissed a Cockatoo." -------------------------------------------------- Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week. "Can I see it?" asked the second homosexual, so the first promptly dropped his pants to show off his cock. "Oooh," squealed his friend, "you look ten years younger!" -------------------------------------------------- Two gays are walking down Market street in San Francisco when they spot a stud muffin coming their way. "I hear he is a great fuck," says one. "No shit?" says the other. "Well," replies the first, "just a little once in a while." ************************************************************ "Well, I might have loved boys too; but girls are what I prefer. If I tire of one as a girl, I can still use her as a boy." -- J. W. von Goethe, Venetian Epigrams (c. 1786) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 09:37:38 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Poultry Farmer and Wallpaper (Puns) My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise. (By Kieth Martin) It seems that Arthur S. Nob, the noted painting collector, had a bright idea one day. He thought that if he got an artist to paint some herd animals and have them printed up on 8"x10" stock, he could paper the wall of his den with multiple repeated images and create the illusion that there was a large herd outside a window, thus giving the illusion of space in the room. He hired his favorite brushslinger, C. Ommon Hak, to carry out his wishes. When the painting was complete, he was astounded. At least a dozen large wildebeest roamed the african scene on a large canvas. Art gleefully rushed to the print shop, where Wysiwyg "Pro" Cessor did print jobs for many artists. "Whiz" looked at the canvas and asked: "Do you want me to shrink the painting down to 8x10?" Realizing his mistake, Art sighed. "No," he replied, "they would be too small to identify." "Cut out the best 8x10 section and use that, and get as many of the critters as possible onto it without cutting any parts off 'em." A week later Art went back to the shop to pick up his new wallpaper. He shrieked his dismay when he looked at the top copy. "What's the problem?" the printer inquired. "there are only two wildebeest on this!" moaned Art. "I wanted more!" "Hey, man, I'm sorry" replied Wysiwyg. "I did the best I could, and this is: ... All the Gnus that fit the print!" (By Bob the Bookman) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 14:23:11 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: XXX Astronomy Now, you just new they use them telescopes for naughty things... jhm Subject: mini-AIR July 99 -- XXX-Astronomy Date Sat, 31 Jul 1999 16:47:14 -0400 (EDT) From: Marc Abrahams ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-07-09 Triple-X Astronomy Having trouble getting your research published? Investigator James W. Barrett has received a brochure soliciting contributions to the Elsevier journal "Astroparticle Physics." The brochure says, "If you are interested in submitting your paper and unprintable items to "Astroparticle Physics", please contact us..." Inspired by this, Barrett has become the founding editor of a new AIR-affiliated scientific publication titled "Journal of XXX-Ray Astronomy." The new journal will print only non-paper items (when we figure out what those are) and, on rare occasions, printable items. To submit items for publication, fire them off to: J.W. Barrett, editor Journal of XXX-Ray Astronomy c/o Chandra X-Ray Observatory PO Box 86 Inclination: 28.5 degrees Perigee altitude: 10,000 kilometers Apogee altitude: 140,000 kilometers Ascending node: 200 degrees Argument of perigee: 270 degrees Postal Code 300000000 Solar System Please include two photocopies and a self-addressed, stamped return vehicle. 1999-07-23 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com WEB SITE: http://www.improbable.com/ --------------------------- 1999-07-24 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1999, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 16:12:26 -0600 From: Janelle Barker Subject: Good ol' Albert Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Aug 1999 to 5 Aug 1999 (#1999-52) *********************************************************