From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Friday, August 06, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Aug 1999 to 6 Aug 1999 (#1999-53) There are 10 messages totalling 490 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Reverend Spooner's Tips Of The Slung 2. Women T-shirts 3. How To Shower............. 4. Q&A 5. Erryone Needs a Gud Educashun! 6. The V-Files (revisited) 7. Airlines 8. MS is BRILLANT!! 9. Grass (Puns) 10. Micro$oftisms ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 06:47:06 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Reverend Spooner's Tips Of The Slung Stan's tribute reminded me of this little piece: Rear Deeders, how your beds. Let us salute the eponymous master of the verbal somersault, the Rev. William Archibald Spooner. He left us all a legacy of laughter. He also gave the dictionary a new entry: SPOONERISM. The very word brings a smile. It refers to the linguistic flip-flops that turn "a well-oiled bicycle" into "a well-boiled icicle" and other ludicrous ways speakers of English get their mix all talked up. English is a fertile soil for spoonerisms, as author and lecturer Richard Lederer points out, because our language has more than three times as many words as any other--616,500 and growing at 450 a year. Consequently, there's a greater chance that any accidental transposition of letters or syllables will produce rhyming substitutes that still make sense--sort of. "Spooner," says Lederer, "gave us tinglish errors and English terrors at the same time." Born in 1844 in London, Spooner became an Angelican priest and a scholar. During a 60-year association with Oxford University, he lectured in history, philosophy, and divinity. from 1876 to 1889, he served as a dean, and from 1903 to 1924 as warden, or president. Spooner was an albino, small, with a pink face, poor eyesight, and a head too large for his body. His reputation was that of a genial, kindly, hospitable man. He seems also to have been somewhat of an absent-minded professor. He once invited a faculty member to tea "to welcome our new archeology Fellow." "But, sir," the man replied, "I AM our new archeology Fellow." "Never mind," Spooner said, "Come all the same." After a Sunday service he turned back to the pulpit and informed his student audience: "In the sermon I have just preached, whenever I said Aristotle, I meant St. Paul." But Spooner was no featherbrain. In fact his mind was so nimble his tongue couldn't keep up. The Greeks had a word for this type of impediment long before Spooner was born: METATHESIS. It means the act of switching things around. Reverend Spooner's tendency to get words and sounds crossed up could happen at any time, but especially when he was agitated. He reprimanded one student for "fighting a liar in the quadrangle" and another who "hissed my mystery lecture." To the latter he added in disgust, "You have tasted two worms." Patriotic fervor excited Spooner as well. He raised his toast to Her Highness Victoria: "Three cheers for our queer old dean!" During WWI he reassured his students, "When our boys come home from France, we will have the hags flung out." and he lionized Britian's farmers as "noble tons of soil." His goofs at chapel were legendary. "Our Lord is a shoving leopard," he once intoned. He quoted I Corinthians 13:12 as, "For now we see through a dark, glassly..." Officiating at a wedding, he prompted a hesitant bridegroom, "Son, it is now kisstomary to cuss the bride." And to a stranger seated in the wrong place: "I believe you're occupewing my pie. May I sew you to another sheet?" Did Spooner really say, "Which of us has not felt in his heart a half-warmed fish?" he certainly could have--he was trying to say half-formed wish. Lederer offers these other authentic spoonerisms: At a naval review Spooner marveled at "this vast display of cattle ships and bruisers." To a school official's secretary: "Is the bean dizzy?" Visiting a friend's country cottage: "You have a nosey little crook here." Two years before his death in 1930 at age 86, Spooner told an interviewer he could recall only one of his trademark fluffs. It was one he made announcing the hymn "Kinkering Congs Their Titles Take," meaning to say "Conquering Kings." So if you have made a verbal slip, rest easy. Many have. Radio announcer Harry Von Zell once introduced the president as Hoobert Heever. And Lowell Thomas presented British minister Sir Stafford Cripps and Sir Stifford Craps. Thanks to Reverend Spooner's style-setting sommersaults, our owm little tips of the slung will not be looked upon as the embarrassing babblings of a nitwit, but rather the whimsical lapses of a nimble brain. So let us applaud that gentle man who lent his tame to the nerm. May sod rest his goal. (From Reader's Digest Feb 95) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 13:03:55 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Women T-shirts * Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? * I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. * Next mood swing: 6 minutes. * I hate everybody, and you're next. * Please don't make me kill you. * And your point is ... * I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. * I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. * Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. * Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. * You KNOW you want me. * Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time. * Of course I don't look busy. . . I did it right the first time. * Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? * I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time. * Do NOT start with me. You won't win. * You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. * All stressed out and no one to choke. * I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. * How can I miss you if you won't go away? * Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. * If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. * Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear. * Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. * Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 07:20:20 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: How To Shower............. Like A Woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegy off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. =========================================================================== Like A Man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one) 6. Wash your face 7. Wash your armpits 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee (in the shower). 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time. 16. Partial dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom and fan light on. 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 08:07:03 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Q&A Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. -------------------------------- Q: What's a practical nurse? A: One who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient. -------------------------------- Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. -------------------------------- Q: What should you *never* call an intergalactic moving company? A: Uranus-Hertz. -------------------------------- Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A: Make him wear shoes. -------------------------------- Q: Why didn't the space shuttle launch on Aug. 19th? A: The pilot couldn't find her keys. -------------------------------- Q: What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market? A: "Good morning, ladies." -------------------------------- Q: What do you call a person who keeps on talking long after people are no longer interested? A: "Professer." -------------------------------- Q: Why did the Siamese twins leave the U.S. to go to England ? A: So the other one could have a chance to drive. ******************************************* "Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?" -- Benny Hill ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 08:08:44 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Erryone Needs a Gud Educashun! 5 August 1999 California State Assemblyman Scott Wildman put out a press release last week headlined, "Department of Education Failes in it's oversight of the federal adult education program." But, anyone can make a mistake! A new release was rapidly issued, headlined, "Department of Education Fail's in it's oversight of the federal adult education program." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 09:44:11 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: The V-Files (revisited) Could wilted lettuce be the next research frontier? ...jhm Subject: Research Report Singled out by the Annals of Improbable Research ----------------------------------------------------------- 1999-07-19 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (This item is in addition to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) REACH FOR THE SUN "Viagra makes flowers stand up straight," Judy Siegel-Itzkovich, British Medical Journal, vol. 319, no. 7205, July 31, 1999, p. 274A. (Thanks to Len Finegold for bringing this to our attention.) The author reports that: 1 mg of the drug (compared with 50 mg in one pill taken by impotent men) in a solution was enough to prevent two vases of cut flowers from wilting for as much as a week longer than might be expected. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1999, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------------------------- 1999-07-23 Our Address (*) Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com WEB SITE: http://www.improbable.com/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 12:02:36 -0400 From: "Greg (|:o)" Subject: Airlines UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 11:04:29 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: MS is BRILLANT!! MICROSOFT TO SELL AD SPACE IN ERROR MESSAGES Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a `General Protection Fault' or `Illegal Operation' warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages. -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 10:07:08 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Grass (Puns) A rock group on tour is motoring through Wyoming in its luxurious recreational vehicle. Suddenly, their passage is obstructed by hundreds of steers. The musicians hail a cowboy and politely ask if they may drive through in order to meet their concert date. “No way,” snaps the cattleman. The rockers huddle to consider their options, then return to the stubborn cowboy. “We’ve got some really unusual grass,” they offer slyly. “Marijuana in suppository form.” The cowboy accepts the bribe and reins in the animals long enough to allow the group’s bus to proceed. Moral? ... A herd in the band is worth boo in the tush. (From the National Lampoon) This whole thing reminds me of an incident a few years ago, in my home town school district, wherein a certain high school teacher was accused of "introducing" some of his students to marijuana. Apparently several of the students eventually developed such strong pot habits that they had “munched” themselves 20-30 lbs. overweight, and had voluntarily turned the teacher in out of anger. It was not the first time . . . a pot smoker had been given away by dilated pupils. (By RumpL4skn) Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs, they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my specialty spliffs. Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital. On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks 'So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?' 'Well sort of,’ replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.' ‘ Ah’ replies the doctor, 'And what did you put in it?' 'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.' The doctor sighs. 'Well that explains it.' 'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men. The doctor replies, ... 'He's in a karma.’ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 16:53:59 -0400 From: Steve and Cindy Subject: Micro$oftisms "If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed... ... Oh, wait a minute, he already does." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Aug 1999 to 6 Aug 1999 (#1999-53) *********************************************************