From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, August 07, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 6 Aug 1999 to 7 Aug 1999 (#1999-54) There are 10 messages totalling 476 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Eye popping experience 2. Underground(of to religous) 3. A Horse Tale 4. They simply couldn't contain themselves 5. Signs That You're Getting Old(er) 6. Limericks 7. (1) Drain Bamage & (2) Prison 8. When Bloopers were Boners 9. Telling Time 10. Frank and the Preacher ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 22:55:39 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: Eye popping experience Eye-Popping Experience A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I'am soooorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye." Steven ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 01:50:03 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Underground(of to religous) Bill Clinton, last week, was dismayed by the errors being made by the CIA and FBI. He called in the directors and asked, "How come Israel knows things we don't know. How come the Jews here know things we don't know?" Freeh called in Moe Katz, an undercover agent, and he told Clinton, "We have a code. We ask "Vos titzach?" -- what's happening? -- and we share the information." Clinton orders a disguise. He puts on a caftan and shtreimel, a beard with payess and scuffed black shoes. They fly him in a stealth fighter to McGuire airbase in New Jersey and put him in an old, dented station wagon with an elderly Hassid driver. He is dropped off in Boro Park and approaches a man dressed as he is. "Vos titzach?" Clinton asks."Shhh," the man replies, "Bill Clinton is in Brooklyn." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 06:58:22 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: A Horse Tale Once there was a horse that was in agony. Several birds were building nests in his mane and nothing he did would make them stop. The noise and activity were driving the horse crazy. So, he decided to see the wise old owl for help. The old owl told him to go home and put some yeast in his mane and all would be well. The horse thought this was a bit nutty, but out of desperation, he did what the owl told him. The next morning the mane was completely clear of nests. The very surprised horse trotted excitedly to the owl's house. When asked why the yeast worked, the owl replied, "Horse, don't you know that yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet?" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 13:01:25 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: They simply couldn't contain themselves Came across this snippet on a local (South African) newspaper: Mail & Guardian - Johannesburg, 5 August 1999 BLOEMFONTEIN COUPLE FILMED HAVING SEX IN LIFT A hidden surveillance camera caught a couple having sex in the lift at a Bloemfontein government building on Wednesday, SABC radio news reported. The passionate couple, apparently unaware that Big Brother was watching them from a hidden camera, couldn't wait until they got home, much to the astonishment of several security guards watching the video feed several floors below. The fate of the couple and their raunchy video material has yet to be decided. ...giving a new meaning to "Going down?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 07:20:11 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Signs That You're Getting Old(er) Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle. Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent and you don't know till the 4th of July. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before. The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 08:22:24 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Limericks A lissome psychotic named Jane Once kissed every man on a train; Said she, "Please don't panic! I'm just nymphomanic. It wouldn't be fun if I were sane." -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- A dentist, young Doctor Malone, Got a charming girl patient alone, And in his depravity, He filled the wrong cavity, And my how his practice has grown! -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- A modest young girl named Oola, Once donned a grass skirt to dance Hula, A cow ate the grass, Exposing her ass, Now she's no longer modest but coola. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- A young trapeze artist named Bract, Is faced by a very sad fact. Imagine his pain, When again and again, He catches his wife in the act. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- There was a young man of Seattle, Who bested a bull in a battle. With fire and gumption, He assumed the bull's function, And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- "When I see a monk's ass I just grab it." Said the lazily amorous abbot. "Although it's more fun, To have sex with a nun, It's so hard to get into the habit!" -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- There once was a man from Brewster Who said to his wife as he goosed her, "It used to be grand, But just look at my hand; You ain't wipin' as clean as you used ta." via Original Sins ************************************* "Screw you guys, I'm going home." -- Eric Cartman ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 10:54:19 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: (1) Drain Bamage & (2) Prison This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info. ------=_NextPart_000_0044_01BEDF65.C74C2620 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=iso-8859-1 Content-ID: College Football.... Well Duh... The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. "Great!" shouted the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds... "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it." ------- A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying. She asked him, "What's wrong with you?" He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years." Baffled, she said, "Yes." The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today." ------=_NextPart_000_0044_01BEDF65.C74C2620-- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 17:49:01 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: When Bloopers were Boners I'm sure most HUMORists are familiar with Richard Lederer's wonderful collection of student bloopers garnered from exams and papers he has graded over the years. If you have not seen this collection, go to any WEB searcher and type in "student bloopers" and you'll get a reference. But, the idea of collecting funny statements from students goes back long before Mr. Lederer started his work. Witness these "Boners" from earlier in the 20th century. Jim Mica ----from Copeland, Lewis (Ed.) "The World's Best Jokes," Garden City, New York: Garden City Books, 1936. (Pp. 295-303) ___________________________________________ BONERS To keep in good health, inhale and exhale once a day, and do gymlastics. The sacred chickens of the Romans were Vestal Virgins. (+) Oboe: an American tramp. (An English definition) An optimist is a doctor who looks after your eyes. A pessimist is one who attends to your feet. A papal bull was a ferocious bull kept by the Popes to trample on Protestants. The dodo was a bird the size of a pigeon that is wholly distinguished now. A litre is a lot of newborn puppies. Nitrogen is not found in a free state. It has been discovered in England but not in Ireland. Rotation of crops is so that they can get the sun on all sides. Seats of Congressmen are vaccinated every two years. The hardships of Puritans were what they came over in. Natural immunity is catching a disease without the aid of a physician. The Acropolis of Athens contained the Parthian, the Erectum, and the Esophagus, a temple to the war-god. The Crusades was trips to drive the turkey out of the Holy Land. A mammal is an animal that succors its ancestors. Skylark is the leading character in Shelley's Merchant of Venice. Samuel Johnson was a hypodermic, who did not have real diseases but only thought he had. Edison is the inventor of the phonograf and the indecent lamp. Beowulf suckled Uncle Remus and his brother who founded Rome. Mercury was the god of weather, because he is found in thermometers. The Romans prosecuted the early Christians because they disapproved of gladiola fights and would not burn insects before the statue of the emperor. The chief invention in Egypt was dams to irrigate the Nile. Cleopatra died when an ass bit her. An omelet is a charm worn around the neck in India. Martyr is the Latin for mother. The Moratorium is the largest ocean liner. Fiction are books which are fixed to the shelves and cannot be removed. __________________________________________ (+) There were several of these bloopers which went beyond my ken. Any suggestions on this one? --jhm ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 17:58:01 EDT From: Robert Prieto Subject: Telling Time A cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he came to a clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection. "What are you doing?" the cowboy asks. The Indian answers, "Me tell time." The cowboy says, "Ok. If you are so good, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It 2 o'clock." The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!" The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket. Don't tell me....you're telling time also?" Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time." The cowboy says, "Okay smartass, what time is it?" The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It 4 o'clock." The cowboy is amazed at the Indians, so he keeps walking. A few hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating. "Don't tell me you are telling time!!??" The Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb denying enforcement of the vote. "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 18:25:05 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Frank and the Preacher PREACHER Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a Southern Baptist preacher was making his weary way home. As he traveled the hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car. The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car as belonging to a member of his congregation. "Oh no," said the preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself." Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice and came to rest against a large pine tree. Not completely senseless to the world, Frank stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the preacher's car. Fortunately, the preacher had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury. When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled, "Who the hell are you?" The preacher yelled back, "Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that." "My God preacher, that you?" "Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk." "You OK preacher?" "Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me." "You better let him ride with me. Way you drive, you gona kill him." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Aug 1999 to 7 Aug 1999 (#1999-54) *********************************************************