There are 15 messages totalling 762 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Chick Drinks and Personality 2. cuTTing corners (aDULLt) 3. [Humour] Excerpts from a cat's diary 4. Things You Would Never Know...... 5. Judgement 6. And God Said, Let There Be Light in Kansas 7. Plagairism a concept in transition 8. The Wish 9. Competition & Exertainment (Puns) 10. NOTHING UP HIS SLEEVE 11. Two old men [adult] 12. Testing 13. Insults 14. Monica Lewinsky's father asked to help Clinton 15. Scottish Jokes [may be offensive to Scots] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 11:50:28 -0400 From: chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM Subject: Chick Drinks and Personality To get all those women who think men are like placemats, bath tiles...-C. ;) Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink. Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned. Drink: White Zin Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... Drink: Shots Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 01:38:40 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: cuTTing corners (aDULLt) This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_03CE_01BEF41A.B83BB3C0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable A Jewish man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size for $5,000, a medium size for $15,000, or an extra-large size for $30,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife." When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ #^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^# ------=_NextPart_000_03CE_01BEF41A.B83BB3C0 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

A Jewish man was in an accident and his penis was chopped = off. He=20 was
rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after=20 careful
examination
said, "We can replace it with a small = size for=20 $5,000, a medium size for

$15,000, or an extra-large size for=20 $30,000.
I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it = over=20 with
your wife."
When the doctor came back into the room he = found the=20 man staring sadly
at the floor.
"My wife says she'd rather = have a new=20 kitchen."

--
If u = cannot find the=20 pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the=20 Raneboux~
RAINY
http://www.ge= ocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
&nbs= p; =20 #^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#

------=_NextPart_000_03CE_01BEF41A.B83BB3C0-- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 11:31:38 +0100 From: Catweasel Subject: [Humour] Excerpts from a cat's diary DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair; must try this on their bed. DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time... Trust me, I'm a doctor. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org/ Schrodinger's cat is alive and well but won't come out of its box. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 06:49:54 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Things You Would Never Know...... This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info. --=====================_930085036==_ Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=us-ascii Content-ID: THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT WATCHING THE MOVIES * During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. * All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. * It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. * Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving. * The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. * If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any before now. * You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. * The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. * A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. * If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. * All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. * If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade.....at any time of the year. * When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. * Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. * Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. * If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. * Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. * Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat them. * Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. * The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job. * A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium. * It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations. * Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. * All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. * It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. * A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. * Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. * It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. * When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. * No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. * Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. * Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. * An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. * Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. * When a woman or child is fleeing a monster or attacker, she will trip on nothing five times in 10 feet. --=====================_930085036==_-- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 07:05:13 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Judgement Two men are sent before a judge on drug related charges. Rather than sending them to jail, the judge decides that it would be better to sentence them to community service. The judge tells the men that they are to go out into the community and spread the word as to the dangers of drugs. In 30 days they are to come back before him, and report to the court how many people they have reformed. Thirty days go by and the men are back in the courtroom. The judge asks the first man how many people he's freed from the dangers of drugs?" "I converted 133" the man answered. When the judge asked how he'd accomplished this, the man replied, "Simple, I drew them this picture and told them: O This is your brain o This is your brain on drugs" The second man said, "Well, I converted 275 people" Amazed the judge asked how he'd accomplished such a feat. The man said, "Simple, I drew them this picture and told them: o This is your asshole O This is your asshole after prison." (Thanks to Phil Rumsey) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 15:57:00 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: And God Said, Let There Be Light in Kansas Memo to: The members of the Kansas Board of Education From: God Re: Your decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science. Thank you for your support. Much obliged. Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your children shall beget children. And their children shall beget children, and their children's children after them. And in time the genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through natural selection. Because that is how it works. Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great stupidity, so he doesn't realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a brain. Use it, okay? I admit I am not perfect. I've made errors. (Armpit hair--what was I thinking?) But do you Kansans seriously believe that I dropped half-a-billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great green Earth by mistake? What, I had a few lying around some previous creation in the Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my pocket? You were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were supposed to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions. That's what I made you for. To think. The folks who wrote the Bible were smart and good people. Mostly, they got it right. But there were glitches. Imprecisions. For one thing, they said that Adam and Eve begat Cain and Abel, and then Cain begat Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened? They left out Tiffany entirely! Well, they also were a little off on certain elements of timing and sequence. So what? You guys were supposed to figure it all out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the truth, you are not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed on as though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur's toe, you're not supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant. You're not big, drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs. Why do you think there are no fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million years ago? Think about it. It's okay if you think. In fact, I prefer it. That's why I like Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker. Still is. He and I chat frequently. I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved from other organisms, it means I don't exist. I have to admit this is a reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and see where it leads you. That's all I have to say right now, except that I'm really cheesed off at laugh tracks on sitcoms, and the NRA, and people who make simple declarative sentences sound like questions? Oh, wait. There's one more thing. Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back further than ever before? Primitive, multicelled animals on Earth nearly 3 billion years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was . . . DNA. Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works. I wonder who could have thought of something like that, back then. Just something to gnaw on. � Copyright 1999 The Washington Post Company. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 11:31:27 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: Plagairism a concept in transition Some people have asked me why I gave up teaching. Here's a partial "here's why." And, lest the peanut gallery blame this ALL on Bill Clinton: Back in the reign of Good King Ronald the 1st, I had a colleague who accused a student of palgiarism. The student showed up with a lawyer but the University wouldn't provide legal counsel for the instructor. Jim Mica Subject: mini-AIR August 99 -- Plagiarism Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1999 04:18:16 -0400 (EDT) From: Marc Abrahams Reply-To: mini-air@chem.harvard.edu ---------------------------------------------------------- 1999-08-09 Ethics Puzzler of the Month This month's AIRhead Ethics Puzzler Question concerns plagiarism. A mother in upstate New York explained to us that her son's high school teacher refused to accept a paper the son had written unless the son also handed in a rough draft. The mother was outraged, explaining to us that the paper was of excellent quality, because it was written by the boy's sister, a Cornell University senior majoring in computer science. Upon our suggesting that the lad had committed plagiarism, the mother replied that no, this was not plagiarism -- that what all the OTHER children in the class did was plagiarism because THOSE children paid MONEY to STRANGERS to write their papers. Thus (explained the mother) her son, having paid no money for his paper, and having had it written by a sibling, had in no way committed plagiarism. Our puzzler question is hypothetical: If you had four college-attending siblings, and were forced to choose JUST ONE of them to write your papers for you, then ETHICALLY which one should you choose? 1. A sibling who attends a prestigious college 2. A sibling who is a sister 3. A sibling who refuses to accept payment for written work 4. A sibling who is a computer science major Please send your Ethics Puzzler answer (25 words max, please) to . ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1999, Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 12:14:56 EDT From: Anna White Subject: The Wish A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 10:15:44 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Competition & Exertainment (Puns) A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?" The guy asks "What's it all about?" The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink." The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate... those steaks are far too high!" (By Gilbert Krebs) Exercise and entertainment. Entertainment and exercise. We need both, but usually these things are mutually incompatible. Exercising is not fun and entertainment turns me even more into a couch potato. This problem is not restricted to my own experience, however. Other people have dealt with the problem and the solution varies from one person to another. For example, some close friends were involved in Korean martial arts, something they did strictly for the entertainment. And for exercise, they took up old-fashioned square dancing, an a demanding activity that can run one to exhaustion over an evening's time. As might be expected, the time constraints on their lives did not allow these friends to pursue their favorite excercise and entertainments to the fullest extent possible, until I stepped in, that is. The solution, of course was to combine their love of Korean martial arts and square dancing into one unified activity, ... the Tae Kwan Do-si-do. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 16:36:37 EDT From: Robert Prieto Subject: NOTHING UP HIS SLEEVE A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Never give up the fight for freedom - a fight which, though it may never end, is the most ennobling known to man." - Ronald Reagan ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 19:23:55 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Two old men [adult] Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a prostitute house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned...how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window. . ." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 22:11:43 -0400 From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Testing I have not received any mail for a while and want to see if I am still on it. -- Have a peaceful and joyous day. Aditya Mishra Primary e-mail: a018967t@bc.seflin.org Primary homepage: http://www.smart1.net/aditya ICQ # 1131674 Fax #: 209-315-8571 Random thought of the day: Armpits.....the ORIGINAL scratch 'n sniff ! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 19:46:26 -0700 From: Keith Sullivan Subject: Insults ON THE SLUR OF THE MOMENT A reader wrote to columnist Mike Royko at the Chicago Tribune: "How long have you been writing a column? A friend told me it is about 25 years, but I don't see how anybody as stupid as you could do it that long. It would be impossible, because you are as dumb as they come." Royko replied, "Actually, it is more than 30 years. But you have spotted the secret of my longevity. Stupidity. When I write, I never think. Thinking would just slow me down. By the way, you might buy yourself a typewriter and give it a try. Your letter shows considerable promise." Chicago Tribune o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o VAST STORE OF PUT-DOWNS A teaching colleague was previewing a book for her second-grade class and became concerned about a passage in which one character refers to another as a "bum." She felt that by reading it she would be contributing to her pupils' already vast store of put-downs. Her 11-year-old daughter offered a solution. "Just don't read the word 'bum,'" she counseled. "Say 'butthead.'" Larry Heywood in Reader's Digest ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Sep 1999 21:47:04 -0700 From: Sue Birkenseer Subject: Monica Lewinsky's father asked to help Clinton LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Talk about Chutzpah. First, President Clinton had an affair with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky, and now his legal defense fund is asking her father to help pay for the consequences. Dr. Bernard Lewinsky is letting all of Los Angeles know he is madder than hell and is not going to take it anymore. When the elder Lewinsky, a Los Angeles cancer specialist, received a letter from The Clinton Legal Expense Trust asking him for a donation to help the president clear his attorneys' bills, he put it back in the mail marked ``Return to Sender. You must be morons to send me this letter.'' But he also sent a photocopy of the envelope to Los Angeles Times reporter Steve Harvey, whose ``Only in L.A.'' column focuses on the wild and wacky side of the city. Harvey proudly published a photo of the envelope Wednesday. Lewinsky told Harvey it was the second begging letter he had received from Clinton's legal expense fund people, who said that the president owes about $5 million in legal expenses. The Lewinsky family have not revealed the extent of their legal expenses stemming from the investigation into Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky, but they are believed to be considerable. A Los Angeles radio disc jockey told his listeners the letter from the Trust should be enshrined in the Smithsonian Institution as ``The stupidest junk mail of the millennium.'' -- Susan Birkenseer Sue@CircusPrepress.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 01:12:16 -0400 From: John N! Swegan Subject: Scottish Jokes [may be offensive to Scots] (Note: I'm of Scottish heritage and am proud of the cheap, drunken bastards I descended from... So there! "Could you give a penny to the Lord," said the young Salvation Army miss to the old Scotty while the band played its hymns. "How old are ye, lassie?" asked Scotty. "Why, I'm only eighteen. Why?" "Well,' countered Scotty, "I'm eighty and I'll most likely be seeing the Lord before you, so I'll give it to him then!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Old Uncle Paddy passed away, and it was up to young Robert to wire the message back home to Glasgow. The cheapest price he could find was ten words for three dollars. The message reads as follows: UNCLE PADDY DIED YESTERDAY. NO PAIN. SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Remember Campbell? He walked into the drugstore after the recent blessed event and said he wanted to buy a new baby bottle. The druggist couldn't believe his ears. "Bit extravagant, aren't we. I always thought your missus nursed your wee ones." Campbell clouded up and said, "Aye, and it's her fault, too! Yesterday she had triplets!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Going over the weekly expenses, MacDougall asked what every questionable item was for. His wife looked at the items in question and answered, "This was for the plasters for my corns. This one is for the medication for my bad tooth, and this one is for my ulcer." MacDougall slammed the account book shut angrily and snapped at his wife, "Dear, you've got to stop spending so much money on your personal pleasures!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was a great party! The Italian brought the wine. The Englishman brought the roast beef. The Frenchman brought the p�t�. The Scotsman brought his brother! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Winters are fierce in Northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs. Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?" "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!" "Then why aren't you wearing them?" "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me a drink and I didn't hear him!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Sep 1999 to 2 Sep 1999 (#1999-80) *********************************************************