From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, September 04, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Sep 1999 to 4 Sep 1999 (#1999-82) There are 6 messages totalling 218 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Cows With Guns 2. CyberCity 3. Liver 'n Cheese 4. The Cheapskate (Clean, but offensive) 5. Connoisseurs All 6. reminiscence [sick, in poor taste] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 06:47:49 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Cows With Guns Fat and docile, big and dumb, They look so stupid, they aren't much fun, Cows aren't fun. They eat to grow, grow to die, Die to be et, the hamburger fry, Cows well done. Nobody thunk it, nobody knew, No one imagined the great cow guru Cow Se Tongue. He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred; He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd, Cows' doldrums. He mooed "We must fight, escape or we'll die," Cows gathered around, 'cause the steaks were so high, Bad cow pun. But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate, Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate. Cows are bummed. He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy, No one suspected he was packing an Uzi - Cows with guns. Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door, Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor, Run, cows, run! He picked up a bullhorn, jumped up on the hay, "We are free roving bovines, we run free today! We will fight for bovine freedom, and hold our large heads high, And we will run free with the buffalo, or die!" Cows with guns. They crashed the gate in a great stampede, Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed, Cows have fun. Sixty police cars were piled in a heap, Covered in cow pies, covered up deep, Much cow dung. Black smoke rising, darkening the day, Twelve burning McDonald's, "Have it your way." The President said "Enough is enough! These uppity cattle, it's time to get tough." Cow dung flung. The newspapers gloated; folks sighed with relief. Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef. Cows on buns. The cows were surrounded. They waited and prayed. They mooed their last moos. They chewed their last hay. Cows outgunned. The order was given to turn cows to whoppers, Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers - But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers, Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers. (Thanks SK) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 07:07:34 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: CyberCity Q; How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" ================================================================= CHAT ROOM LIES - HOW MANY OF THESE HAVE *YOU* HEARD? * I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend. * You're different.....I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before. * I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me more about yourself. * I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited. * Yes of course I'm female...... * No this is my only screen name.....You mean you can have more then one? * I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body! * Male version is.....'I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out. * I'm not like most of the guys/gals here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other (at the hotel coffee shop). * I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: 'I'm horny and could care less, just type.') * Tonight my love.....our souls have touched. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 07:01:02 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Liver 'n Cheese The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink and discussing dinner when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence and make it sound good can go out with me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese," She says, "Not too creative." The Chihuahua, with his Mexican accent, jumps in and says, "Liver alone....cheese mine!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 16:38:56 -0400 From: Jerry Alan Cole Subject: The Cheapskate (Clean, but offensive) An old man, known to be very miserly, called his local newspaper to place an obituary notice for his recently deceased wife. He told the woman taking the ad that he wanted to have only two words in the notice: "Becky died". The woman told him that he could use up to six words with punctuation and it would cost exactly the same as two words. The man thought for a few seconds and said, "Becky died. For sale, 1991 Volvo". ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 17:06:57 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: Connoisseurs All Two young men had been invited out to dinner by their employer. During the course of the meal the conversation drifted into channels which got the young friends into rather deep water for them. "Do you care for Omar Khayyam?" asked their host, at one point during the dinner, thinking to discover the literary tastes of the young men. "Pretty well," the one addressed replied, " but, personally, I prefer Chianti." The subject was abandoned, but on the way home other said to his chum: "Why don't you simply say you don't know when you're asked some- thing you don't understand? Omar Khayyam isn't a wine, you idiot. It's a kind of cheese." -----from Copeland, Lewis (Ed.), The World's Best Jokes, Garden City, New York: Garden City Books, 1936. Pg. 31 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 16:10:53 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: reminiscence [sick, in poor taste] First, the good news, from InteliHealth: ------------------- Alcohol-Linked Road Deaths At Low NEW YORK (AP) — The number of alcohol-related traffic fatalities in the United States dropped to 15,935 last year, the lowest level in the 17 years the government has been keeping the statistic. http://www.intelihealth.com/enews?239962 ------------------- This brings to mind one of my favorite TV comedians, "Lonesome" George Gobel. George had a variety show in the 50s; he appeared on Carson into the 70s, I believe. I don't even know if he's still alive. He was a short, pudgy man, crewcut, always in suits with thin ties, and fiendishly iconoclastic. His most notorious TV moment was at the end of one of his variety programs, in which he announced that the death toll for automobile accidents in whatever holiday weeked it was (I don't remember) was down from last year's. He then looked into the camera and said, in his sweetest south-of-the-Mason/Dixon-line voice: "Folks, you just aren't trying." Jack Kolb Dept. of English, UCLA kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Sep 1999 to 4 Sep 1999 (#1999-82) *********************************************************