From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, September 05, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Sep 1999 to 5 Sep 1999 (#1999-83) There are 9 messages totalling 527 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Only WednesDAYs- I Apologize for the HTML screw up postings 2. 30 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew About Girls 3. More on George Gobel 4. Weddings 5. T-Shirts/KY Jelly 6. PUNY Riddles of the Weak 7. The Arm 8. YuMMM SCUM 9. Timbuktu ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 00:29:35 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Only WednesDAYs- I Apologize for the HTML screw up postings This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_007B_01BEF670.FC5A50E0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting... "Comrades. We have agreed a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week." "Hooray", goes the crowd. "We will finish work at 4pm, not 5pm." "Hooray", goes the crowd, again. "We will start work at 10 am, not 9am." "Hooray" "We have a 150% pay rise." "Hooray" "We will only work on Wednesdays" Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?" -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY So Close To Jesus, He Turns A Deaf Ear to the Prayers of Those Who Snub = Me at Parties.. ------=_NextPart_000_007B_01BEF670.FC5A50E0 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
A union shop steward is
   addressing a union=20 meeting...

   "Comrades. We have agreed = a
  =20 new deal with the management.
   We will no longer work=20 four
   days a week."  "Hooray",=20 goes
   the crowd.

   "We will finish = work at=20 4pm,
   not 5pm."  "Hooray",=20 goes
   the crowd, again.

   "We will = start=20 work at 10 am,
   not 9am."=20 "Hooray"

   "We have a 150% pay=20 rise."
   "Hooray"

   = "We will=20 only work on Wednesdays"

   Silence...then a voice = from=20 the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
--
If u=20 cannot find the pot of gold.......
  ~Just enjoy the=20 Raneboux~
     RAINY
So Close To Jesus, He = Turns A=20 Deaf Ear to the Prayers of Those Who Snub Me at = Parties..
 
 
 

 
------=_NextPart_000_007B_01BEF670.FC5A50E0-- ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 07:45:03 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: 30 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew About Girls 1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out. 2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening. 3. Don't say you understand when you don't. 4. Girls are petty, get over it. 5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like. 6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook. 7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't. 8. Size does matter. 9. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big; we like it when you are Mr. Big 10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys. 11. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a ho. 12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes. 13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize. 14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it. 15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it. 16. We are drama queens. 17. Fashion police do exist. 18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it. 19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball or anything else you and your friends talk about. 20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times. 21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it. 22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out. 23. Shave- no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it. 24. Even is you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it is not. 25. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's, hers are fake. 26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets. 27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. 28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't. 29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hell can't you piss in the toilet and not on it. 30. Most importantly - we are always right so don't forget it. (Thanks JW!) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 07:46:22 -0400 From: "Alan G. Rosenberg" Subject: More on George Gobel Re: This item from the list: This brings to mind one of my favorite TV comedians, "Lonesome" George Gobel. George had a variety show in the 50s; he appeared on Carson into the 70s, I believe. I don't even know if he's still alive. He was a short, pudgy man, crewcut, always in suits with thin ties, and fiendishly iconoclastic. His most notorious TV moment was at the end of one of his variety programs, in which he announced that the death toll for automobile accidents in whatever holiday weeked it was (I don't remember) was down from last year's. He then looked into the camera and said, in his sweetest south-of-the-Mason/Dixon-line voice: "Folks, you just aren't trying." Gobel may have had a sweet voice, but I don't think it would have been a southern one. He is the most famous graduate of my high school, Theodore Roosevelt Senior High -- in Chicago. Alan Rosenberg ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 07:40:37 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Weddings A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak... "Father, I am going to marry!" His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila... "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?" "O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..." "Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?" "I'm happy," says the son... "Ok...as long as you're happy... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah... Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father... I too will be married soon!" Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises... "What is her name," implores the father? "Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox..." "Oy," says Moisha... "But are you happy?" "I'm happy, father..." "Ok... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha... Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray... "Please God... let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!" Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!" "Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME" his father immediately demands? "Goldberg!" says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles? "No..." says Chutzpah... "Hmmm," says Moisha..."Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?" "Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah... "Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son? "Whoopi," says Chutzpah. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 11:24:03 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: T-Shirts/KY Jelly 1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won 2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me 3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy 4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends 5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going 6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't Remember It All 7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips 8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do 9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah 10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them? 11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount 12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog 13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman") 14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off 15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now 16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor 17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping. 18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About 19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian 20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge 21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich 22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money 23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional 24) IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be 25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law. 26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen 27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship 28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt 29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You 30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time 31) In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take. 32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order. ========================================================================= Important Announcement The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'. Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 09:18:12 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: PUNY Riddles of the Weak 261. How does one tell the gender of a chromosome? 262. What kind of dog has hands? 263. Why is approaching a northern sea bird ungainly? 264. What could you say about a botany professor who spent his sabbatical studying the foliage of sagebrush and wormwood. 265. In the Star Trek universe, the Vulcans can pursue a course of attaining 'pure logic'. However, in my version of that same universe, this procedure leads to something else. I find the Vulcans who pursue this procedure getting constipated and being driven to expressing it in a manner similar to Vincent Van Gogh and Michaelangelo. In my universe, what would this procedure be called? Movie of the Week: Norman Jewison’s movie about an old man who has hiked all over the world seeking a cure for his prostate problem. Book of the Week: White's novel about a morally bankrupt but very successful Chinese chef who becomes very popular by including pastel food coloring in many of his dishes. T. V. Shows of the Week: 1. A soap about surgical residents specializing in mastectomies. 2. A Psychiatrist changes his specialty to the field of respiratory ailments. Song of the Week: Famous Vietnam battles cycle through our minds: • • • • • • • • • • 261. By Pulling down its genes (By Van’s Camp) 262. A Watchdog (By Cynthia MacGregor) Alt: Doberman Pinchers (By Stan Kegel) 263. It would be auk-ward (By Lars Hanson) 264. He took a leaf of absinthe (By Stan Kegel) 265. Colon-Art (By David Bunch) Movie of the WeeK: Piddler on the Hoof (By Norman Gilbert) Book of the Week: The Wanton Fuschia King (By Gary Hallock) T. V. Shows of the Week: 1. The Jung and The Breathless (By Norman Gilbert) 2. "The Young and the Chestless". (By Ken Pinkham) Song of the Week: "The Khe Sans Go Rolling Along" (By Cynthia MacGregor) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 19:25:09 -0700 From: Richard Nehrbass Subject: The Arm THE ARM A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus doc," the man exclaimed, "what happened. Where am I." The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow." "Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this........" "Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm." "Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead." "Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one." "Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on." The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?" "We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it." Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up." he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom. He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my Wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!!" The arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels pretty good......jerk it off." RRIIIPPPP!!!! ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 13:23:40 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: YuMMM SCUM One day this mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought. Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything. Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did. A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff." His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff." "Hey, no problem," he said, ... "I can stop any time." -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY So Close To Jesus, He Turns A Deaf Ear to the Prayers of Those Who Snub Me at Parties.. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 19:36:15 EDT From: Anna White Subject: Timbuktu The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper crust family; well bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A&M. A self-proclaimed die-hard Aggie. Go figure. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The San Francisco State graduate went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination - Timbuktu." The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered could the redneck top that?..... The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin we went. Met three whores and a pop up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu." >> ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Sep 1999 to 5 Sep 1999 (#1999-83) *********************************************************