From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Monday, September 06, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Sep 1999 to 6 Sep 1999 (#1999-84) There are 8 messages totalling 520 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Puns of the Weak 2. Here's Your Sign 3. The New Yorker 4. Still another list - trailertrash 5. Humor - Weird Business News #18 (1st of 3) 6. The Great English Language 7. JEWISH nEws(off2 jews) 8. Once upon a time ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 00:52:34 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Puns of the Weak Puns of the Weak: 8-30 to 9-3-99 From: "Puns of the Day" and "Profusions of Puns, Gaggles of Groaners" The highway sign declared: RIGHT LANE ENDS I couldn't help but wonder how long I was going to have to drive in the wrong lane. (By P. S. Swanson) Abe Lincoln might have made this pun If attacked by a Cath'lic with gun "Don't pummel that sister Use hammers please, mister My motto is 'mallets to ward nun'" (By Gary Hallock) The night manager at a Burger King in Marin County was arrested for selling cocaine out of the drive-through. "Apparently, he got caught when he served a cop coke instead of Pepsi. (By Andrew Wiset) (The movie will be titled The French Fries Connection. - S. K.) In marriage, the bride gets a shower, but for the groom it's curtains! (From Original Sin) A couple of clams were eating chocolate bars while two fish watched. "Did you see that?" one fish said, as the clams finished their treat. "They didn't offer us a single bite!" "What do you expect?" asked the other fish. "They're two shellfish." (From Jokes and Stuff) Do sixty year olds wear boxers or briefs? Depends. (From The Placebo Page) You can encapsulate a marriage in four words. If a fellow gets married, but finds a temptation elsewhere, hears about it from his wife when she finds out, and finds himself served with papers, you can sum up the experience as: Hitched, Itched, Bitched, Ditched. (By Cynthia MacGregor) If you drop a piano down a mineshaft, do you get A flat minor? (By Clay Perrine) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. (By Oscar Wilde) Reduce any way You can. The best for the weak Is to skip fry day (By John S. Crosbie) . Max looked up at the steep, icy mountainside, "I can't do it," he said. His companions begged him to climb the mountain with them, but he refused to move, "I'm against mountain climbing," he said. Now they call him "Anti-climb-Max." (From Giggles and Grins) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. (From The International Save the Pun Foundation) Stacy Keach was engaged to the same girl three times. Every time the Big Day come due, she decided she couldn't stand him. Then the late Harry Truman himself advised her, "Gal, if you can't stand the Keach, get out of the hitchin." (By Spider Robinson) To thread a needle, you need an eye for it. (From Jumble) The Pasadena police headquarters was recently overrun with thousands of bees. Apparently it was a police sting operation. (By Ed Lambert) “Arithmetic Simplified“ by Lois Carmen De Nominata (By Claudia Papalia) "My sister Ann, don't give a damn. Pulls down her pants, and pees like a man" Tom said standoffishly (By Rusty (Marion) Human) Pigs are prone to root. That's why their taste so often Is their strong suet. (By John S. Crosbie) I was talking to a female snake the other day. She was telling me all about her recent operation. Well, of course snakes don't speak English, but I knew what she was saying because she made a hiss direct to me. (By Gary Hallock) If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant. (From Very Punny) If Clark Kent instead of a reporter, had been a dentist with a strong conviction of the benefits of dairy products because of their high calcium content, would his alter-ego have stood for Tooth Justice and the American Whey? (By Alyn George) When my son is misbehaving badly, i tell people I am having a bad heir day. (From Phillip 21) Twelve dozen ministers today took their vows at a crowded ceremony and became the navy's newest underwater pastors. Tomorrow's headline will read: "Gross in Sub Ordination" (From Stan Kegel) Have you heard about the cat that ate the cheese and sat by the mousehole with baited breath. (From Cathy Saticor) In Peru, a gallant cavalier fished a drowning maiden out of a lake and married her before the Inca was dry. (From Stan Kegel) Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it. (From Pun of the Day) Angry customer: I thought you said this was a good car. It won't even go uphill. Used car dealer: I said, "On the level, it's a fine car." (From The MailMan) Vitamin: What you do when a friend stops by for a visit. (From Stan Kegel) ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 07:52:30 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Here's Your Sign Here's Your Sign by Bill Engvall People should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California, our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." I was out in the front yard with my boy the other day and he was playing with his little friend, and he hit his friend and I went up to him and I said, "Hey, (smacked the boy on his head), we don't hit." He looked up at me like, "Here's your sign, dad." I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that. "All right, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right... hold my sign, I don't wanna lose it." Last time I was home I was driving around and I had a flat tire, so I pulled my truck into one of these side-of-the-road gas stations, the attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. No, I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign." We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy came over to the house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn, that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could've stopped him. (Thanks to JoLene) And for a RealPlayer audio version of this by the author, go here: http://users.intermediatn.net/ae4vp/sign.html http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 08:36:29 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: The New Yorker A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce back-country tribe during the colonial times in the United States. The tribal chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to make a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison". The chief gives him some poison extracted from local berries. The Frenchman says "Viva la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please". The chief gives him a old pistol. He points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!", and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork". The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs his shoulders and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts rapidly jabbing himself all over his stomach, his ribs, his chest, his backside, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's a horrible sight. The native chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing?" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says "So much for your damn canoe, jerk" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 09:56:48 -0500 From: "Rowe, Thomas" Subject: Still another list - trailertrash Again, an endlessly forwarded list whose origins must remain shrouded in mystery. ====================== > Subject: This is particularly "dear" to my heart, considering.... > > YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN: > > > > > The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. > > You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front > of her kids. > > You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. > > You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. > > Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People". > > You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. > > You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. > > Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey,y'all watch this" > > You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl' > > You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. > > Your wife's "hairdo" was once ruined by a ceiling fan. > > You go to your family reunion looking for a date. > > Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. > > You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen, start > your engines." > > You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its > wheels. > > You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. > > The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much > gas it has in it. > > You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge'. > > One of your kids was born on a pool table. > > Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. > > You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House > of Tattoos > > You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. > > Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart "'cause there's a law against it." > > You dated one of your parents' current spouses... in high school. > > You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. > > Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." > > Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 12:13:47 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #18 (1st of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once again, let's look at the things we do in our quest to make a buck. Yep, it's time for Weird Business News. The You Want Fries and a Mortgage With That? award to McDonald's Co. and Yokohama Bank Ltd., which announced they are opening combination bank and hamburger stores in Japan. The Economic Consequences of Showing Your Sports Bra on National Television Award to Brandi Chastain, who did just that after kicking the winning penalty goal in the Women's World Cup soccer match. Volvo gave her a brand new car. The Education Award to the National Corn Growers Association for its new Web site, www.ncga.com, and the section titled Corn in the Classroom. The Ignorance Award to Lord Melchett, executive director of the environmental group Greenpeace, after police arrested him for destroying a field of genetically modified corn in England. The I May Be In The Wrong Business Award to the Economist magazine, which reported that the entire publicly traded American newspaper industry is now worth less on the stock market than online provider American Online. The I Know I'm In The Wrong Business Award to trade magazine International Gaming and Business Wagering. It reported that adults last year spent $54.3 billion on legal gambling -- more than they spent on movie tickets, spectator sports, cruise ships, recorded music and theme parks combined. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 17:47:55 EDT From: Anna White Subject: The Great English Language No word in the English language rhymes with month. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und." The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, here, ere, therein, herein. No words in the English language rhyme with orange, silver or purple. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 22:02:08 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: JEWISH nEws(off2 jews) An elderly Jewish man is siting on a park bench reading Rev. Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops -- in shock. What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Journal!" The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!" If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY So Close To Jesus.. I know his AOL PASSWORD ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 09:23:03 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Once upon a time Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantises its position to one of 6 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as an index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype." The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognised the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years." "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialise this class into subclasses: grains, pork and poultry. The specialisation process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs and various omelette classes." "The ham and cheese omelette class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy and poultry classes. Thus we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs." "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users should click on it and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen.(UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel Pentium with 32MB of memory, a 500MB hard disk and 17inch SVGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multi-tasking, object-oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)." The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Sep 1999 to 6 Sep 1999 (#1999-84) *********************************************************