From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, October 02, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Oct 1999 to 2 Oct 1999 (#1999-110) There are 9 messages totalling 344 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. WGASA 2. The Urinal 3. Limericks 4. Joshua and Jericho 5. The Cab Ride (adult content) 6. It's A Wacky World! #74 7. The Sking Champion (Pun) 8. SOLVED !!!!!!!!!!!!! 9. Why did the little moron cut a hole in the carpet? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 06:40:45 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: WGASA Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name. They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?" (Source unknown) http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 07:03:09 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: The Urinal A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the Men's Room. It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and many drinks. The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?" "Yes." "You come from Talahasee, Florida?" "Yes." "Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?" "Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?" The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're peeing in my shoe!" ============================================================================= "It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane." .....June Henderson ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 08:21:53 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Limericks I know a tall Sunday school teacher, Who wanted to screw the short preacher. She flashed him some thigh, But her pussy seemed high, So he stood on a chair just to reach her. =-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-= There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut 'crost her vagina. From the love-making frock, (with the proper sized cock,) Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. =-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-= A mortician who practiced in Fife Made love to the corpse of his wife. "How could I know, Judge? She was cold, dinna budge -- Just the same as she acted in life." =-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-= An exotic young lady named Suki, Once danced in a troupe of kabuki, When asked for a fuck, he said, "Solly, no luck... See here: looky looky, no nuki " =-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-= There was a young man of Devizes, Whose balls were of different sizes. His tool when at ease, Hung down to his knees, Oh, what must it be when it rises! =-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-= There once was a lady from Thrace, Who's corset no longer would lace, Her mother said "Nellie, There's more in your belly, Than ever went in through your face." =-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-= An uptight young lady named Breerley Who valued her morals too dearly Had sex, so I hear, Only once every year, And she strained her vagina severely. =-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-= There was an old count of Swoboda, Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. So, with great savoir-faire, She stood on a chair, And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. =-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-= Helen Keller's pussy grew tight, Masturbating alone late at night, She rubbed that hot gland, With just her left hand, And silently moaned with her right. =-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-=-+-= The nipples of Sarah Strong, When excited, are twelve inches long. This embarrassed her lover, Who was pained to discover, She expected no less of his dong. (via Original Sins, MsKitty and DKWall) ******************************************** The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 09:10:53 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: Joshua and Jericho Ultimate source unknown. --------------------------- Subject: Who tore down the walls of Jericho? Joshua and Jericho The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday School. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua." "That's wonderful," said the new Pastor, "let's see what you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?" Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it." Taken aback the Pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?" Teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it." Flustered, the Pastor went to the Sunday School director and related the story to him. The Director looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do." Really bothered now, by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new Pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director. A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 08:20:02 -0700 From: rprieto@JUNO.COM Subject: The Cab Ride (adult content) A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 12:35:28 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: It's A Wacky World! #74 Copied from Ann Lander's Column in the Houston Post: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Ann Landers: Here's another one for your stupid judge collection. I guess it pays to get drunk in New Orleans. If this story had not appeared in a respectable paper like the San Angelo Standard Times, I would not have believed it. I hope you print it. -- J.H., San Angelo Dear J.H.: No comment from me because this decision is apparently being appealed, but here's the Associated Press story. Thank you for passing it on. A drunken bicyclist was seriously injured when he ran a stop sign and pedaled into the path of a police cruiser speeding to respond to a call. The intoxicated bicyclist was awarded $95,485. The judge ruled that the police officer was partially to blame for the collision with the 58-year-old bicyclist, who suffered two broken legs and a fractured skull. The bicyclist's lawyer said the ruling proves that "drunks have rights, too." The man had a blood-alcohol level of 0.13, which exceeds the legal limit of 0.10. The lawyer argued that the police officer could have avoided the accident had he not been driving so fast. The officer said his siren was blaring and his lights were flashing when he hit the intoxicated bicyclist. The officer plans to appeal. *************** Gem of the Day (Credit Chicago columnist Zay N. Smith): Guns don't kill people. They just make it a lot easier. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 18:43:25 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Sking Champion (Pun) Many people are not familiar with great champion skier, Picabo Street. That is her real name (pronounced "Peek-a-boo") Truly, that is the pronunciation. Skiing enthusiasts do know her and her international reputation is well deserved, having won races throughout the world and in all competitions. Yet, like most skiers, she has had her share of injuries, some minor, others, unfortunately, major and even life-threatening. Once, during a competition in Vermont, Picabo Street suffered a serious injury in the Giant Slalom. Not only was her career in danger, but her life was also. The injuries were repaired but Ms. Street did have to spend some time in Intensive Care. When she recovered, she was incredibly grateful for the sophisticated and loving care the doctors and, in fact, the entire hospital staff had given her. Not only had they saved her life, but she soon returned to competitive skiing. As she was again winning competitions and making lots of money, Picabo Street decided to make a donation to the hospital and the staff that had saved her life and career. She donated a million dollars to be used at the discretion of the hospital directors. The directors thought that the hospital's Intensive Care Unit needed to be replaced, so they used the generous donation to finance a new unit. And, of course, that unit is now called ... Picabo I. C. U. (By Ted Brett) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 20:17:17 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: SOLVED !!!!!!!!!!!!! Q: How do you solve the world's problems? A: Get the hungry to eat the homeless If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends. http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1999 00:37:43 -0400 From: George Hughes Subject: Why did the little moron cut a hole in the carpet? (Definitely an old one) Why did the little moron cut a hole in the carpet? He wanted to see a dirty floor show. Why did the cover part of the hole over? Well, he didn't want to see the "whole" show. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Oct 1999 to 2 Oct 1999 (#1999-110) **********************************************************