From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, October 03, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1999 to 3 Oct 1999 (#1999-111) There are 8 messages totalling 346 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Diary of a Seattle resident (part 1) 2. Spiders 3. Peace At Last 4. you wanna make sumtin aboudit? 5. Potty Humor 6. New York Parking 7. Evolutionary limerick 8. PUFF PUN ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1999 03:02:07 -0700 From: "M. Zaiem Beg" Subject: Diary of a Seattle resident (part 1) August 23rd. Just moved to Seattle. Lovely weather, about 75 degrees, no clouds, beautiful trees and mountains, especially Mt. Rainier. Puget Sound...how cool is that. I wonder how everything stays so green even in the summer?? People here are sure lucky to have such a beautiful outdoors to play in. Only 50 miles to the mountains and 70 to the sea. I love it here. August 25th. Drove out to the mountains yesterday. It took 2.5 hours just to get to the top of the pass? I wonder why traffic was so heavy? It was barely moving. When I got to the other side it was even slower because of road construction. Sure was pretty though, another beautiful day, even though I spent the better part of it in the car. Next time I'll make sure to leave earlier so I can miss the traffic. Also remember not to stop in North Bend for gas it took like an hour?? August 26th. What happened to the nice weather? Gosh it's cold! only about 54 degrees, yesterday it was 84. These clouds are very low and grey it sure looks like its going to rain I was going to wash the car and mow the lawn but I better not if it's going to rain. August 27th. Weather is the same as yesterday. Very grey and depressing but it's not raining so I'll wash the car and mow the lawn today. The weatherman says it's going to be sunny tomorrow. I think I'll play some golf. August 28th. Pouring down rain. Cold. Kind of pissed off because I spent 4.5 hours washing and waxing my black car because the weatherman said it was going to be sunny today. Not to mention I shelled out $150.00 to play this fancy golf course and it poured down rain the whole time. Boy the weatherman kind of missed that one. I'll bet he feels dumb. September 28th. Geez, except for those few days at the beginning of September, it's rained almost every day. Must be the rainy season in Seattle. Oh well, it keeps the reservoirs full and the trees green. Looking forward to those crisp clear fall days and football season! October 31st. Halloween. Cold as hell and raining. Poor kids, that's not much fun trick or treating in that weather. All their little costumes getting ruined. The weatherman said it was going to be clear and crisp for the trick or treaters?? This guy seems to be wrong alot in his forecasts. He's probably not a weatherman at all. His Dad must be some big wig and got him the job. I'll going to watch another station with a real weatherman. November 1st. At home with my knee elevated. Doctors orders. Pulled the ligaments really bad chasing down some little bastards that smashed my pumpkins. Boy a wooden deck with Thompson's watersealer on it is slicker than snot when it's wet. Still raining. My knee is killing me. I can still hear those kids laughing. November 28th. Does it rain every freaking day here?! It sure seems like it. You wanna know cold? Try 40 degrees with rain being blown into you at 15 miles an hour. Burr! People always talk about the beautiful mountains here. Well I haven't seen them in at least a month. And why are people so afraid of driving in the rain?! Let's go! The forecast calls for some sun though so I'll get some yard work done this weekend. November 30th. Rained all weekend but now its sunny ...Allright!... Finally! Sure feels good to feel the sun on your face again. Now I remember why I like this place so much. It's almost December and it's 54 degrees and sunny. I think I'll wash the car. Weatherman says this high pressure system should stay with us for awhile and push this system well to the north of us. December 1st. F#*)@$& raining again. I just washed the F#*)@$& car! What is the deal with these weathermen. They're wrong every F#*)@$& time! They are blaming offshore flow for kicking this system a little south and into our region. Whatever. Pardon my French but F#*)@$& the Rain! December 25th. Ho! Ho! Ho! It's F#*)@$& raining again. Merry F#*)@$& Christmas. February 1st. Ha Ha! It's day 62 of constant rain. I threw my milkshake at some son-of-a-bitch on the freeway this morning. Cut me off will you? Doubt it. Too bad it's raining because it cleaned the milkshake off his car. Oh well he got the message. Can't let people mess with you on the road. You better take your openings when you can or they will walk all over you. Why do people drive so slow in the rain! What are they afraid of? It rains here every day!, how are you supposed to enjoy the beautiful outdoors? (to be continued) -M. Zaiem Beg zbeg@wolfenet.com ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1999 05:41:28 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Spiders Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1999 11:02:25 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Peace At Last A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1999 09:56:53 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: you wanna make sumtin aboudit? Seventeen signs that show you're Italian: 1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you. 2. Your father owns five houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo. 3. You share a bathroom with your five brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000.00 Camaro. 4. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, and travel agent are all blood relatives. 5. You consider dunking a pack of cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast. 6. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law. 7. You are a card-carrying V.I.P. at more than 3 dance clubs. 8. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top. 9. At least five of your cousins live on your street. 10. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather. 11. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts. 12. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners. 13. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 8", it is presumed your mother had an affair. 14. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party. 15. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion. 16. At some point in your life, you were a D.J. 17. Thirty years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1999 10:43:20 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Potty Humor Spotting johns from outer space Mark Okonski, formerly an engineer in jet engine fuel systems at General Electric, is working on a Global Positioning System for his new Lockport, Ill., employer, Portable John, one of the nation's leading suppliers of portable toilets. His intention -- and this is no joke -- is for the GPS to monitor locations and conditions of the company's far-flung assets -- from the toilets used in such remote places as the truckload just sent to Cape Girardeau, Mo., for a festival. Sensors will use satellites to relay data on water levels, number of flushes, times doors open and close and so on. "This is real cutting-edge stuff in our industry," Okonski said. "We'll be able to access everything. Say a unit springs a leak at Taste of Chicago. We can locate it immediately and be right there to fix it. Leaky units are one of our biggest problems." -- Chicago Tribune ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1999 14:17:06 -0400 From: "Greg (|:o)" Subject: New York Parking A New Yorker walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the New Yorker returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The New Yorker replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1999 13:57:39 -0500 From: "Don E. Z'Boray" Subject: Evolutionary limerick Said a monkey who swung by his tail To his fellow monks - male and female "Your offspring, my dears In a few million years May evolve into professors at Yale." atbty, -- don ;-) Don E. Z'Boray zboray@newbie.net Primary SUSPECT http://newbie.net/TheUsualSuspects/ OzTown, Tsax_US ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1999 20:52:27 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: PUFF PUN The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry, but all their matches were wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This worked well. They were able to smoke, because ... the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter. If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends. http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1999 to 3 Oct 1999 (#1999-111) **********************************************************