From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Monday, October 04, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Oct 1999 to 4 Oct 1999 (#1999-112) There are 8 messages totalling 397 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. TESTING *aDULLt* 2. Weakly Riddles and Puns 3. Revised Holiday Schedule 4. New Words, Old Song 5. USEFUL ONE-LINERS FOR MANY SITUATIONS 6. GE and the Little Moron 7. daddy long legs 8. Unix Manuals: rtfm ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 3 Oct 1999 01:33:39 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: TESTING *aDULLt* This is absolutely amazing !!!! It only takes about 30 seconds Think of a letter between A and W scroll down Slowly Keep going! Think of an animal that begins with that letter Scroll down Slowly Think of a man's name that begins with the last letter in that animal's name Scroll down, Slowly Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down (example Fred would be 4) Take the last finger you counted with, shove it up your ass, and get back to work, you stupid e-mail game playing bastard! If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends. http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Oct 1999 01:11:57 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Weakly Riddles and Puns Riddles and Puns of the Weak ending 10-1-99 From: "Puns of the Day" and "Profusions of Puns, Gaggles of Groaners" THE RIDDLES 281. Why are most monkeys not interested in politics? 282. Why are a South American arboreal mammal and a bizarre Israeli alike? 283. What thieving religious man became a famous jazz musician? 284. What play is about a faithful young woman who is publicly accused of infidelity by her beau to her deep embarrassment? 285. What is the favorite Old Testament book of kitchen counter top installers? Movie of the Week: What adventure movie Starring Sean Connery and Michael Caine in the biography of LAPD officer Stacy Kuhn? Book of the Week: The book about the novice manservant? T. V. Show of the Week: The chief notification mechanism of a timepiece stars with a hot dog and a Christmas wreath in an early '50s show ostensibly for kids but enjoyed equally by parents Song of the Week: The First Lady of India wears a traditional garment decorated with dangly fabric at the neckline: Celebrity of the Week: The actor known for tagging game fish: THE PUNS Both the bride and the minister need to be trained for the ceremony (By P. C. Swanson) . A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window. "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, " a pair of socks!" Swallow a little yeast when you go to bed at night and you'll rise easily in the morning. (By Cynthia McGregor) A student essay stated: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom. " In the margin of the paper, the professor commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has merely slipped. Back-seat driving Is a form of duel control (By Alan F. G. Lewis) Did you hear about the British sex pervert who broke into a gift shop and performed lewd acts with the porcelain figures? They charged him with statue-Tory rape. Apparently, he is a Hummel sexual (By Gary Hallock) . My friend Ronald helped me with this Biblical research, so if there is a mistake here, it's probably due to Ron and me.(By Gary Hallock) .How can you make money these days? Buy 50 female pigs and 50 male deer and you'll have a hundred sows and bucks. (By Richard Lederer) One robin does not make a spring. But one lark is often responsible for a fall. A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with. "Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father. "No," says the boy."Are you resisting arrest?" he asks. The boy hesitates before he says, "No, ... I'm not sleepy yet." Use conscience-stricken in a sentence? Never conscience-stricken before they're hatched. (By Groucho Marx) The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..." "Whoa. Slow down there fellow. What makes you think you need all these organ transplants?" asked the doctor. "Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized." Please use the word miniature in a sentence for me. "The miniature asleep, you begin to snore.” (By Lewis Phillips) Though I lost my temper and yelled at everyone in the motorists' shop, I couldn't get a solenoid (By Alan F. G. Lewis) It is sadly true That a pause in a wedding Is oft over “do” (By John S. Crosbie) Our two protagonists were the proprietors for a fine art and precious metals auction. When asked how the auction went, they said, "We sold everything but the kitsch and zinc." (Frank and Ernest) A wheat farmer’s work was always making his head hurt. He said, “These are my grain headaches.” (By Warren Allen) THE ANSWERS 281. They’re Ape-olitical (By Gary Hallock) 282. Both are Kinkajjous (Kinky Jews) (By Lars Hanson) 283. Felonious Monk (By Gary Hallock) 284. The Shaming of the True (By Stan Kegel) 285. Laminations (By David Bunch Movie of the Week:The Man Who Would Beat King (By Gary Hallock) Book of the Week:"How Green Was My Valet." (By Howell Gwin) T. V. Show of the Week: Cuckoo, Frank, & Holly (By Cynthia MacGregor) Song of the Week: "The Sari with the Fringe on Top" (By Cynthia MacGregor) Celebrity of the Week: Marlin Brander (By Lars Hanson) ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Oct 1999 06:02:58 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Revised Holiday Schedule The Office of Personnel Management for the United States government today announced the 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees. There will be two fewer holidays in Washington D.C. next year. Halloween and Thanksgiving have been cancelled. The witch is moving to New York and she's taking the turkey with her. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Oct 1999 08:54:46 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: New Words, Old Song New Words to an old Dylan Song How many roads must a man drive down Before he admits he is lost Why when a man becomes married is he unable to find his own socks. How many times will it take 'til he knows he has seen the three stooges enough The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend The answer, I cannot comprehend How many shows can a man surf through before the remote burns out Why does he think that an intimate gift is a Dustbuster Plus for the house How many sounds can a man's body make before he sleeps on the couch The answer my friend, is take two aspirin The answer is take two aspirin Why when we go for a romantic drive do we wind up at Builder's Square again How many nights will he leave the seat up so I land on cold porcelain How men really feel is mystery to me and probably a mystery to them The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin The answer is driving me to gin. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Oct 1999 12:38:12 EDT From: Anna White Subject: USEFUL ONE-LINERS FOR MANY SITUATIONS 1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Well, aren't we just a ray of sunshine? 3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 4. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 5. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 6. Do I look like a people person? 7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 8. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 9. You! Off my planet!. 10. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 11. Did the aliens forget to remove your probe? 12. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil. 13. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 14. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 15. Better living through denial. 16. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 17. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 20. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 21. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 22. I have a computer & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 23. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 24. ...... feel free to add some of your own and if they're funny, send them to me! ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Oct 1999 12:53:59 -0400 From: George Hughes Subject: GE and the Little Moron During World War II the Little Moron was drafted into the U. S. Army. He went to Fort Benning for basic training. His blunders resulted in frequent KP duties. In the company's kitchen, his sergeant noticed yet another peculiar behavior. Sergeant: Hey, you little moron, why are you saluting that refrigerator? LM: Sir, I thought it was General Electric, sir. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Oct 1999 19:38:48 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: daddy long legs Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!" Steven ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 09:53:43 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Unix Manuals: rtfm rtfm(l) UNIX Programmer's Manual rtfm(l) NAME rtfm - read the fucking manual SYNOPSIS rtfm OPTIONS None, you have to read the manual for an answer. DESCRIPTION Used when lazy people ask stupid questions. Normally cried out in vain. FILES /dev/null ENVIRONMENT Any. SEE ALSO man(1) DIAGNOSTICS Is an diagnostic. Since you are reading this you are get- ting the idea. BUGS Ha! Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Oct 1999 to 4 Oct 1999 (#1999-112) **********************************************************