From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Tuesday, October 05, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Oct 1999 to 5 Oct 1999 (#1999-113) There are 10 messages totalling 582 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Political Strategy 2. My Turn 3. All Purpose Prank excuse Form 4. BRUCE 5. Twenty two signs that you live in 1999 6. Random Thoughts (Political Humor) 7. SHORTIES COLLectionS (aDULLt) 8. Bug be gone (suggestive) 9. The Bag Boy 10. [Joke] The Nun... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 05:39:27 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Political Strategy Saturday night (10/2/99) on The David Letterman show, he was commenting on Al Gore's campaign strategy. Seems ol' Al is trying to appear less stiff. DL said that should have been Clinton's strategy. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 06:52:22 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: My Turn The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon." "Uh huh," said the old man. "We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "Uh huh," said the old man. "And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 06:56:50 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: All Purpose Prank excuse Form Every now and then, your brilliantly conceived and executed prank will nevertheless pull a header and you're left looking like a complete and utter idiot. It hasn't actually happened to ME, mind you but I understand it has happened to others. In order to help you cover your bases, here's my All Purpose Prank Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be! Dear a) Mom, b) Dad, c) love of my life, d) Assistant Principal, e) Local Police Chief, Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm was severely damaged by my a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank. How could I have known that the a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zamboni I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your a) house, b) wife, c) Cub Scout troop, d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch, e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans, you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to a) imagine, b) fathom, c) comprehend, d) appreciate, e) pay for, and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to a) hate me, b) sue me, c) spank me, d) take my firstborn, e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond, but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, goofing around at a) school, b) work, c) church, d) the bowling alley, e) the municipal jail, and to remember that I am first and foremost your a) friend. b) child. c) sibling. d) lease cosigner. e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant. I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that a) was so stupid. b) was so silly. c) would have been funny if it worked. d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first. e) I'm going to use again on someone else. Sincerely, X________________________ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 07:49:16 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: BRUCE "BRUCES" by Monty Python Bruce: G'day, Bruce! Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce! Bruce: How are you Bruce? Bruce: A bit crooked, Bruce. Bruce: Where's Bruce? Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce. Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce. Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum! Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce. Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to herself. Bruce: She's a good Sheila, Bruce, and not at all stuck up. Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce? Bruce: G'day Bruce! Bruce: Bruce. Bruce: Hello Bruce. Bruce: Bruce. Bruce: How are you, Bruce? Bruce: G'day Bruce. Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo. Everybruce: G'day! Michael Baldwin: Hello. Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Bruce: Is your name not Bruce? Michael: No, it's Michael. Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion. Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear? Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer. Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!! Everybruce: Amen! Bruce: Crack the tubes! (Bottles opening) Bruce: Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty. Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-bates here. Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce! Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip. Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach? Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Benton, Lockholm, Sackly, Millbo, Hasset, and Bernerd. Bruce: Those are all cricketers! Bruce: Aww, spit! Bruce: Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce! Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen! Bruce: Another tube! (Bottles opening) Bruce: Any questions? Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Pooftah? Bruce: Are you a Pooftah? New-Bruce: No! Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One! Everybruce: No Pooftahs! Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three? Everybruce: No Pooftahs!! Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five, Everybruce: No Poofters! Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six. Rule Seven, Everybruce: No Poofters!! Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Everybruce: Amen! (And now all four Bruces launch into the Philosopher's song) Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable. Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table. David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel. And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel. There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist. Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed. John Stewart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shanty was particularly ill. Plato, they say, could stick it away, 'alf a crate of whiskey every day! Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his Dram. And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am." Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed. (Thanx, JohnAnderson) **************************** And now for something completely different... ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 13:55:31 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Twenty two signs that you live in 1999 A variation of "Signs that you live in the 90's". Author unknown, but it is probably one of the usual suspects. 1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave 2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." 3. You only have to wait days (not years), till the next predicted "Doomsday". 4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?" 6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website. 7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year. 8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page. 9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college room-mate used to play. 10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 11. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant. 12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screensaver. 13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 14. Every commercial on TV has a website address at the bottom of the screen. 15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 16. The concept of using real money, instead of a credit or debit to make a purchase, is foreign to you. 17. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 18. Your reason for not staying in touch with your parents is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 19. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 20. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 21. Your idea of being organized is multiple coloured post-it notes. 22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 10:03:04 -0700 From: rprieto@JUNO.COM Subject: Random Thoughts (Political Humor) Random Thoughts by Thomas Sowell September 30, 1999 http://www.newsmax.com/commentmax/articles/Thomas_Sowell.h tml Random thoughts on the passing scene: Will Rogers said that the way to end highway congestion is to have the government build the cars and private industry build the highways. Democrats are the only reason to vote for Republicans. With all the political hysteria being whipped up this year about school shootings, more children are killed each year by bee stings -- and far more are killed by airbags mandated by the government. If we could take our great grandparents around on a tour of America as it is today, they would not only be astonished by all the things we have, they would be even more astonished by all the whining because we don't have more. While obituraries of George C. Scott rightly featured his classic performance in "Patton," he also starred in a hilarious comedy called "Movie Movie" that no one seems to remember. In the debates about when life begins, one of the more extreme positions is that life begins when a man and a woman sit down to share a glass of wine. By being too squeamish to punish "first offenders," we are being cruel in the long-run. Instead of nipping some criminal careers in the bud, we let young people think the law is a joke -- which can then lead them into more crimes and eventually hard time in prison. When my daughter recently asked me what the Department of Energy does, it was hard to answer. What she really meant was: "What does it accomplish?" The answer is practically nothing, except creating a nuisance with regulations and red tape. One of the worst things done by the vast expansion of the welfare state is that it has created a whole class of hustlers who spend their time extracting what others have produced, rather than producing anything themselves. Like other hustlers, they range from the ordinary streetwalker level on up to the level of the Hollywood madams -- from welfare cheats to smooth-talkers running all sorts of boondoggle programs with the taxpayers' money. I admire courage in a boxer and cowardice in a pilot -- especially if he is piloting a plane that I am in. Those who are being stampeded into supporting government programs to deal with "urban sprawl" need to understand that the growth of government is far more dangerous than the growth of cities. If you have to worry about something, worry about government sprawl. At the height of McCarthyism, there was not as much blacklisting of people as there is today by leftists in academia against scholars who do not share their vision of the world. Try finding a Republican in a sociology department. Politics is about power -- not about compassion or any of the other mushy stuff that politicians use to get power. Nothing is easier than to get photographed in the midst of smiling children as both the Clintons so often do. Even Hitler and Stalin were photographed in the midst of smiling children, so it is an insult to our intelligence to pull this old ploy again at this late date. The estate tax is a monument to envy. It wreaks havoc with families where parents try to leave something to their children, but it brings in little, if any, money to the government. Some people claim that the government actually loses money, on net balance, from estate taxes, but these taxes remain popular because they allow a blow to be struck against those who are envied. Esau sold his birthright for a mess of pottage. Today, we sell our birthright of freedom and independence for political promises of pottage. The Social Security mess shows how much those promises are worth. Esau made a good deal -- compared to us. At least he got the pottage. For reasons unknown, people have often turned to me as an expert on welfare, even though I have never written an article or a book on the subject. If you want a real expert on welfare and poverty, try Robert Rector of the Heritage Foundation in Washington. I like limericks, but have been unable to finish writing one that begins: "A dental assistant named Floss Liked to fool around with her boss" Any suggestions about what should come next? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "[C]onservatives are wasting their time, energy and votes if they stay in the Republican Party. No more than the Democrats do the Republicans honor the Constitution. They merely violate it at a slower pace." -- Joseph Sobran ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 19:15:43 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: SHORTIES COLLectionS (aDULLt) Q: Who was Alexander Graham Belski? A: The first telephone pole. 000000000000000 Q. How does INS classify legal Mexigan immigrants? A. As Canadians 000000000000000 Q. Have you heard about Quantum Physics Barbie? A. Yeah, right. 000000000000000 Q. Define Kleptopyrohomonecronymphobestiality? A. Anal sex with a stolen flaming dead raccoon. 000000000000000 Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A Speech Impediment. 000000000000000 Q. What's a diaphragm? A. A trampoline for dickheads. 00000000000000 "It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane." ~ June Henderson If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 19:22:57 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: Bug be gone (suggestive) BUGGING OUT - Submitted by Joe O'Keefe ____________________________ A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards." Steven ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 09:20:57 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: The Bag Boy This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says no. The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager goes, "I'm sorry, but . . . baggers can't be juicers." Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 23:24:13 -0500 From: "Todd C. Nessen" Subject: [Joke] The Nun... There was a guy in a bar one night getting drunk. When the bar was getting ready to close, he got up and stumbled out the door. As he left, he noticed a nun walking down the street, so he stumbled over to her, and punched her in the face. The punch stunned her, and she fell to the ground. The drunkard grabbed her by her rosary beads and started kicking her in the face. Then in the ribs. Then in the face again. After the beating, he leaned over her bruised body and said, "You're not such a fuckin' tough guy tonight,... are you Batman?" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Oct 1999 to 5 Oct 1999 (#1999-113) **********************************************************