From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, October 06, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Oct 1999 to 6 Oct 1999 (#1999-114) There are 12 messages totalling 702 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!! 2. How Dogs Are... 3. Assorted Halloween Smiles 4. Picture This.... 5. College Degrees 6. Butterflies aren't always free. 7. Religious Groaners 8. Halloween In America (adult) 9. A Baaaaddd Blonde Joke!!!! 10. Just say no to bread. 11. Programming Constructs 12. All purpose prank form ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 01:24:06 -0500 From: RANEBOUX Subject: OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!! TODAY THE OFFICE OF PERSONNEL MANAGEMENT ANNOUNCED THE HOLIDAY SCHEDULE FOR ALL FEDERAL EMPLOYEES FOR THE YEAR 2000. THERE WILL BE TWO LESS HOLIDAYS IN THE WASHINGTON D.C. AREA NEXT YEAR. HALLOWEEN AND THANKSGIVING HAVE BEEN CANCELED. THE WITCH IS MOVING TO NEW YORK AND SHE'S TAKING THE TURKEY WITH HER. If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends. http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 06:55:29 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: How Dogs Are... HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE 1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost. 2. Both take up too much space on the bed. 3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner. 4. Both are threatened by their own kind. 5. Neither understands what you see in cats. 6. Both want dominance. 7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean. 8. Both chase cars. 9. The larger ones tend to drool. 10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN 1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you are gone. 3. You can train a dog. 4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 5. Dogs understand what "NO" means. 6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. 7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw. 8. Dogs are color blind. 9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside. WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN 1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. 2. Dogs like beer. 3. Dogs don't hate their bodies. 4. Dogs don't criticize. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. Dogs never expect gifts. 7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had. 8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives. 9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 10. Dogs don't cry. 11. Dogs love it when your friends come over. 12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. 13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late - the later you are, the more excited they are to see you. 14. Anyone can get a good looking dog. 15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. 16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. 18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 20. A dog's parents never visit. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 07:09:13 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Assorted Halloween Smiles Yo Mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. =========================================================================== A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She had a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife came up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!" ============================================================================= 20 Ways to Confuse trick-or-treaters 1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.) 2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head and act confused. 3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door. 4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When the trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party. 5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound. 6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill. 7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away. 8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!" 9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away. 10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy. 11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list. 12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house. 13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can. 14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar. 15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter. 16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay. 17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds and insist that you don't have any candy. 18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin. 19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin. 20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished. ============================================================================= Halloween: A pagan holiday perpetuated by the American Dental Association. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 07:58:56 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Picture This.... A queer goes to get a tattoo. He says to the artist, "I want Lennox Lewis on one buttock and Mike Tyson on the other." The work is done and the queer is delighted. He rushes home to show his partner. Dropping his trousers he bares his ass and says, "What do you think of this?" His partner stares in disbelief and then says, "There is no way I'm going in the ring between *those* two..." ************************** A gay Indian is one brave sucker. ************************** It was stinking hot one day, and Cecil arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the freezer, "Scott! What are you doing with your bum in the freezer?" asked Cecil. Scott replied, "It was so hot outside, I thought you'd like something cool to slip into!" ************************** There once was a King and Queen who ruled a kingdom by the sea. One day the King's brother, who ruled a kingdom in the mountains, took ill and needed help ruling his land. The first king volunteered to help and explained to the queen that his brother's illness may last many months. They would see one another each weekend. Every other weekend the king would journey, on horseback, down from the mountains. On alternating weekends the queen would journey, up from the seaside, the same way. "There is one very important thing to remember," said the king. "Halfway between the two lands is a bridge which crosses a deep ravine. The bridge is guarded by a magic troll, who lives under the bridge as most trolls are apt to do. He will ask you to pay a toll, a four leaf clover, so you must promise me you will always remember to bring one with you." "I will," she replied thinking that would be easy since all castles in those days were surrounded by fields of four leaf clovers, for good luck. So the time comes for the queen to make her first journey. She picks the clover, puts it in the pocket of her dress and off she goes. After a while she comes to the bridge and out crawls an ugly little troll. "He certainly doesn't look very magical," she thinks to herself. The troll begins to speak. "I am the troll who lives under the bridge and YOU must pay a toll ... a four leaf clover if you please ... or bend over on your knees." And with that he dropped his pants revealing the biggest, thickest cock the queen had ever seen. He then thrust his hips back and forth three or four times to show exactly what he intended do with his massive, 13 inch prick. The queen, all flustered and embarrassed, quickly gave him the clover and hurried on her way. This went on for many months. The queen grew used to seeing the trolls equipment and even began fantasizing about how it would be to let the troll screw her. After all, the king was just of an average size and he was all she had ever been with. It got to the point where her panties would get damp at the thought of making the journey across the bridge. One fateful day, as she approached the bridge, she thought "What the hell, you only live once," and threw her clover away. When she reached the bridge the troll was waiting. "I am the troll who lives under the bridge and YOU must pay a toll ... a four leaf clover if you please ... or bend over on your knees." "My god" said the queen looking in the pocket of her dress, "I seem to have lost my four leaf clover. It looks like I will have to take the second choice today." So the troll helps the queen off her horse and leads her down under the bridge where there is a beautiful bed of flowers. She lifts her dress, slips off her silky royal panties, bends over and gets down on her knees on the flowers. As soon as he enters her soaking wet pussy she realizes why he is called a "magic troll". The troll screws the queen like she has never been screwed before in all her life. Echoes of the queens moans and gasps of pleasure bounce off the ravine walls for the next couple of hours. When they are finally done they lay exhausted in the flowers. "I have to admit ..." said the queen, "I'm kind of glad I lost my clover." "Oh, I hear that one all the time," replies the troll. "Do many ladies come by here who have lost their clover?" asks the queen coyly. "Oh no" replies the troll ... "But your husband, the King, loses his every single time..." **************************************** "What *is* sodomy, anyway?" asked Hector, half in Earnest. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 09:49:41 EDT From: Anna White Subject: College Degrees There are three basic types of undergraduate college degrees--Bachelor of Science (BS), Bachelor or Engineering (BE), and Bachelor of Arts (BA). A person with a BS asks the question "Why does this work"? A BE degree holder asks "How does this work?", and a person with a Bachelor of Arts degree asks "You want fries with that?" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 10:30:16 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: Butterflies aren't always free. Recently we HUMOR readers were treated to the tale of the mom who inadvertantly photographed herself in the nude while taking pictures of her child's antics. That story reminded me of something I saw on America's Funniest Home Videos a couple years back. Now, if you are into low slapstick --people falling down or dropping their pants or running into things-- AFHV is the show for you! Just cut the sound off whenever the host(s) start talking. This particular clip started as a mom was walking up the stairs from the basement to the first floor of the house. She must have known (from the silence) that her tyke was up to something. She rounds the corner and the camera shows us a youngster in front of a picture window. The window is plastered with something like very flat ovals with "wings." Mom holds the shot long enough for us to figure out that what we are seeing is a bunch of "panty liners" stuck to her picture window. The tyke had evidently found a box, carefully removed the protective strips from the adhesive tabs and stuck a dozen or so of these artifacts to the window. We hear mom's voice: "You've been busy! What are those things on the windows?" The tyke replies: "Butterflies!" Fade to black. --------------------------------------------------- Today is the birthday of Vaclav Havel, first President of Post-Communist Czechoslovakia. Vaclav wrote: "Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself doesn't." -- Jim Mica ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 09:29:38 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Religious Groaners Essene Essence Archeology, that ancient science of antiquities (or is it the antiquated science of ancients), received much favorable press with the Indiana Jones sagas. Usually, though, archeology is more quiet than that. One exception to this quiet occurred a few years ago in the Middle East when a new cache of ancient written material was found near the Northern border of the Dead Sea. Controversy arose immediately. It appeared that while many of the documents were authentic, several were much more recent forgeries. What a potential calamity. The archeologists who all lived much farther to the South argued about what to do. It was decided that by combining their expertise, they would be able to discard the bogus material. In fact, each one of them was heard to agree that, . . . "When the scrolls are culled up yonder, I'll be there!" (By Alan Combs) A Lesson A missionary tried to make an Indian native repent his ways. "If therefore you do not repent of your sin," the missionary insisted, "surely a bolt of lightning will strike your foot!" The Indian mocked him! Such foolishness! But the next day, just as the missionary had warned, beneath a cloudy sky, a series of lightning bolts struck the ground, and one of them struck the mocking Indian on the foot and he lost his foot! And the moral of the story is: ... Do not mock a sin, you may lose your sole. The Sins of the Fathers In 1978, when Pope John Paul II became the first non-Italian pontiff in several hundred years, the entire world was surprised. The Church had begun a long tradition of selecting popes only from among the Italian cardinals. The Holy Church is replete with non-Italians in many of its highest positions; however, the Church would rather forget one case from 1953. The Korean Conflict had just ended, and one of the important respresentatives of the Catholic Church was a Korean archbishop named Singh. Archbishop Singh was loved by the Koreans because of his courage an unselfishness serving his flock and the church during the war. He smuggled food to the poor, ran several orphanages, and risked his life countless times to help convey information to the United Nations forces, and, in short, he kept the Catholic Church thriving during those tragic, war-torn years when Communism threatened the entire Korean Peninsula and, of course, threatened to destroy the Catholic Church. No doubt, after the war, some sort of recognition from the Vatican was in order. Pope Pius XII wanted to honor him, and hte logical step was, of course, to have invited Archbishop Singh to Rome to accept the "Red Hat" and be invested in the College of Cardinals. Unfortunately, church officials and the hierarchy resisted such a move, and Archbishop Singh remained an archbishop. After all, . . . the Holy Church felt it most inappropriate to become responsible for any Cardinal Singh. (By Ted Brett) The Puritan There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward ways. Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them. The young man expressed his regret. The older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing? How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just entered, he said, . . . "It is I before Thee, except after She!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 10:14:01 -0700 From: rprieto@JUNO.COM Subject: Halloween In America (adult) A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without painand as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You now I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He plied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "[C]onservatives are wasting their time, energy and votes if they stay in the Republican Party. No more than the Democrats do the Republicans honor the Constitution. They merely violate it at a slower pace." -- Joseph Sobran ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 20:05:58 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: A Baaaaddd Blonde Joke!!!! A Blonde applied for a job at her local police department. As part of the interview process, she was asked several questions. Among these was "How many days of the week begin with the letter "T?" Her response was "two; Today and tomorrow!" She was then asked how many months of the year had 30 days in them. She replies "All of them except February." She was then given a take home test with one question: "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" When she got home, she said to her roommate, "I' think I'm already hired! They've assigned me to a case already!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 21:10:31 -0400 From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Just say no to bread. 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. 7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread pudding person. 10. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: 1. No sale of bread to minors. 2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. 3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5. The establishment of "Breeder" zones around schools. Remember: Think idiotically, act globally! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 09:36:01 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Programming Constructs 1. Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. 2. Real programmers are those that can sleep in front of terminals ... with their eyes opened. 3. Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up all night. 4. There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult. 5. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked. 6. A crash is when your competitor's program dies. When your program dies, it is an 'idiosyncrasy'. Frequently, crashes are followed with a message like 'ID 02'. 'ID' is an abbreviation for idiosyncrasy and the number that follows indicates how many more months of testing the product should have had. 7. There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. 8. As a rule, software systems do not work well until they have been used, and have failed repeatedly, in real applications. 9. Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 10. Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 20:50:31 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: All purpose prank form Every now and then, your brilliantly conceived and executed prank will nevertheless pull a header and you're left looking like a complete and utter idiot. It hasn't actually happened to ME, mind you but I understand it has happened to others. In order to help you cover your bases, here's my All Purpose Prank Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be! Dear a) Mom, b) Dad, c) love of my life, d) Assistant Principal, e) Local Police Chief, Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm was severely damaged by my a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank. How could I have known that the a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zamboni I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your a) house, b) wife, c) Cub Scout troop, d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch, e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans, you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to a) imagine, b) fathom, c) comprehend, d) appreciate, e) pay for, and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to a) hate me, b) sue me, c) spank me, d) take my firstborn, e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond, but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, goofing around at a) school, b) work, c) church, d) the bowling alley, e) the municipal jail, and to remember that I am first and foremost your a) friend. b) child. c) sibling. d) lease cosigner. e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant. I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that a) was so stupid. b) was so silly. c) would have been funny if it worked. d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first. e) I'm going to use again on someone else. Sincerely, X________________________ Steven ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Oct 1999 to 6 Oct 1999 (#1999-114) **********************************************************