From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Tuesday, November 02, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Nov 1999 to 2 Nov 1999 (#1999-141) There are 4 messages totalling 227 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Top5 - 11/1/99 - Trouble Adjusting to College 2. A Couple Of Smiles 3. New Words 4. Useful Retorts ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 06:34:04 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 11/1/99 - Trouble Adjusting to College The Top 15 Signs You're Having Trouble Adjusting to College [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] 15> You just can't get your day going without the morning announcements and Pledge of Allegiance. 14> Despite your having the hottest live dorm sex-cam on campus, the other kids at BYU just don't seem to accept you. 13> Forget the kegger with the Tri-Delts this Friday -- you've got some Ruminations to write! 12> Passing high school chemistry by sleeping with your teacher worked well, but the irony of passing freshman ethics by sleeping with your teacher is driving you nuts. 11> "Aww, c'mon guys. We just went out drinking last night!" 10> That backpack you made out of your blankie isn't fooling anyone. 9> Your fraternity brothers are doubting your claim that the rubber sheets are due to an allergy to cotton. 8> You're anxious to find out if you got an A on your cat-dissection project. But you're not taking a biology class, and your art professor seems to be avoiding you. 7> Due to a misunderstanding, your cramming for exams involves K-Y Jelly. 6> You think "carrying a full load" means you haven't had a girlfriend in awhile. 5> Animal Husbandry isn't exactly what you expected when you signed up for it. 4> The good news: You have a 3.5 average. The bad news: That's your blood alcohol content. 3> You feel so awkward and unpopular that you quit the Young Republicans and join the Junior Reform Party. 2> The friendly wager you made with your new roommate about who would score first apparently has nothing to do with your Pokemon skills. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Signs You're Having Trouble Adjusting to College... 1> Your mother turns on Dateline's story about college binge drinking just in time to see you vomit on Jane Pauley. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 07:21:27 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: A Couple Of Smiles Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!" =========================================================================== Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch." "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. "Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 16:58:43 -0800 From: rprieto@JUNO.COM Subject: New Words The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners: Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up on walls. Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 09:28:49 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Useful Retorts * A man enters the house with snow all over him. Q: Snowing outside? A: Nope, there was a giant outside the house who flicked his cigarette ash all over me. * A girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet. Q: Sorry, did that hurt? A: No, not at all, I'm on local anaesthesia. Why don't you try again? * At a restaurant: To the waiter. Q: Is the "blah blah blah" dish good? A: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally spit in it, as well. * At a family get-together. When some distant aunt meets you after years.. Q: Chickoo, you've become so big. A: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself. * When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call.. Q: Sorry, were you sleeping? A: No. I was playing soccer for Brazil at Rio and just when you called Ortega was betting with me that Argentina would win. What do you think? * When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair.. Q: Hey have you had a haircut? A: No, its autumn and I'm shedding...... * At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth Q: Tell me if it hurts? A: And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite. * You see a cute girl wearing tennis attire and holding a tennis racquet at a tennis centre. Q: You play tennis? A: Nope, this is the latest fashion, just trying to catch a rich guy's attention. As for the tennis racquet, I feel that it has a faster head speed and thus better than an umbrella in warding off perverts. * A man sleeping soundly when his friend wakes him up. Q: You asleep? A: Yes, and I am having a dream about some idiot asking me whether I am asleep. * See a friend walking into the room drenched. Q: Raining outside? A: No, Nice and sunny day outside, so hot that I poured some water over myself. * See a friend at the canteen with some food at 8am. Q: Having breakfast? A1: Nope, I am on a diet, just bought this food to enjoy the aroma. A2: (look blur) Breakfast? I'm having my dinner. You overslept is it? Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Nov 1999 to 2 Nov 1999 (#1999-141) **********************************************************