From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, November 03, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Nov 1999 to 3 Nov 1999 (#1999-142) There are 6 messages totalling 228 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Evaluation Form 2. Performance Appraisals Revisited 3. Humor - Weird Business News #20 (1st of 3) 4. Coaches (poss. off. to Indiana fans) 5. Looking Like a Golfer 6. Modesty ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 07:20:34 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Evaluation Form SLEAZY SALES CORPORATION EMPLOYEE EVALUATION FORM #0000810.09B Name________________________ Date____________ KNOWLEDGE ____ The Son of a Bitch really knows his shit. ____ Knows just enough to be dangerous. ____ Only half a brain and is dangerous. ____ Fucking brain dead. His coffee cup has a higher I Q. ACCURACY ____ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with office skirts. ____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass. ____ Has to take off his shoes to count higher than ten. ____ Couldn't count his balls and get the same answer twice. ATTITUDE ____ Extremely cooperative (if you kiss his ass frequently). ____ Brown noser in good standing. ____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his company. ____ Doesn't give a shit; never did, never will. RELIABILITY ____ Really a dependable little cocksucker. ____ Can rely on him to be the first out the fucking office. ____ Can rely on him at the evaluation time. ____ Totally fucking worthless. APPEARANCE ____ Extremely neat; even combs pubic hair. ____ Looks great at evaluation time. ____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him. ____ Dirty, filthy, smelly, son of a bitch. PERFORMANCE ____ Goes like a Son of a Bitch if there is any money in it for him. ____ Does all kinds of good shit at evaluation time. ____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes. ____ Couldn't do less work if in a friggin' coma. LEADERSHIP ____ Carries a chain saw and gets good results. ____ Better leader than fucking McArthur at evaluation time. ____ Occasionally gets told to get screwed. ____ Mother Theresa told him to get screwed. I have been advised of and understand my rights under the Privacy Act of the Inquisition. I further acknowledge that I'm as worthless as dog squat on a cow pie, but will try to correct my deficiencies in order to achieve a higher evaluation rating, disregarding all moral and ethical standards. EMPLOYEE'S SIGNATURE_____________________________ **************************************** Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 07:36:17 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Performance Appraisals Revisited GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ........= Able to bullshit GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ........= Spends lots of time on phone AVERAGE EMPLOYEE .................= Not too bright EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED .....= Made no major blunders yet WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ...........= Too ugly to get a date ACTIVE SOCIALLY ..................= Drinks a lot FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........= Spouse drinks, too INDEPENDENT WORKER ...............= Nobody knows what he/she does QUICK THINKING ...................= Offers plausible excuses CAREFUL THINKER ..................= Won't make a decision AGGRESSIVE .......................= Obnoxious USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS .....= Gets someone else to do it EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ........= Speaks English METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL ...= A nit picker HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES .........= Is tall or has a loud voice EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT .....= Lucky KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR .............= Knows a lot of dirty jokes CAREER MINDED ....................= Back Stabber LOYAL ............................= Can't get a job anywhere else ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 11:25:09 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #20 (1st of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Weird get weirder as year near end. By JIM BARLOW Enough of the serious stuff. It's a new month and time for Weird Business News -- a look at the antics of Homo Businessperson in search of a buck. Cheers to toy maker Mattel for its new doll, Barbie Loves Frankie Sinatra. We needed Barbie in a metallic dress drinking martinis and smoking. And thanks to reader Stan Daley who reports the sprinkler he just bought had a sticker on the bottom stating that it's for outdoor use only. "Dang, I wanted to use it in the living room on my wife's potted plants," he said. Our At Least the Boss Doesn't Need a Costume Award to the National Retail Federation survey that found 39.1 percent of American workers say they have considered dressing up for Halloween at work. The Why Remind the Investors What Might Happen Award to Poore Brothers of Goodyear, Ariz., which announced it is dropping its NASDAQ stock symbol "POOR" in favor of "SNAK." Best Internet Site Name: IveBeenGood.com, an online merchant. Proposed Internet site: I'veBeenBad.com for those looking for a good spanking. The Readability Award to Burlington Resources for the notice of its stockholder meeting set for Nov. 18. On pages B-21 and B-22 there's one sentence that is so long that it can't be repeated here, since it would fill the entire column. Or maybe that should be the Mama, Don't Let Your Lawyers Grow Up To Be Writers Award. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Aug 1997 09:32:06 -0400 From: Craig Ehrlich Subject: Coaches (poss. off. to Indiana fans) Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed, all three d= ied. All three noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God wanted to = know three things: Who are you? What did you do? and What did people think of = you? The first person said, =93I=92m Denny Crum. I was the 2nd best coach in t= he nation. I won 2 national championships and won over 20 games a year and t= he people of Kentucky think I am great.=94 God said, =93Denny, stand to my r= ight.=94 The next person said, =93I=92m John Thompson. I was the 3rd best coach in= the nation. I won conference championships and made our program respectable. = The people of Washington DC think I am great.=94 God said, =93John, stand on = my left side.=94 The third person stood before God and said, =93I=92m Bobby Knight. I have= won three national championships, two NIT championships, the Pan Am games, th= e Olympics, nine Big Ten championships, the youngest coach ever to win 600 games and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair.=94 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 20:28:29 -0800 From: Keith Sullivan Subject: Looking Like a Golfer LOOKING LIKE A GOLFER George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?" George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?" Merle O. Newberg in Reader's Digest ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Nov 1999 12:04:33 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Modesty My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station. When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand. "Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing." The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl." Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Nov 1999 to 3 Nov 1999 (#1999-142) **********************************************************