From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Thursday, November 04, 1999 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Nov 1999 to 4 Nov 1999 (#1999-143) There are 7 messages totalling 410 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Unrecognizable U.S. Govt. Departments 2. Limericks 3. Xerox Killing in Hawaii 4. Pet Ownership and Academic Achievement 5. Humor - Weird Business News #20 (2nd of 3) 6. Opera: A White House Affair (L'blanca casa scandola) 7. DNA Personals ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 3 Nov 1999 07:11:41 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Unrecognizable U.S. Govt. Departments Office of Investigation of Unfair Internet Humor List Hiring Practices Bureau for Explaining that What Happens on "The X-Files" is Not Real Dept. of Chinese Nuclear Technology (formerly Dept. of Defense) Why Pork Chops Are Shaped Like South America Dept. Official Judiciary Department In Determined Investigation To Uncover Deception Of Real Killers (O.J.D.I.D.I.T.U.D.O.R.K.) Bureau of Alcohol, Tabasco, and Fire Alarms Strom Thurmond Animation and Preservation Department Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Monster Trucks, Body Piercing and Jerry Springer Department of Annexation: Because those darned Canadians can't hold out forever. Department of Empty Public Gestures Th. Off. Gov't Dept. o. Abbrv. Federal Mime Protection Program Department of Internet Security and Censo...**NO CARRIER** And My Favourite Unknown Government Department... Committee Rationalizing Appropriate Propagation Of Long Acronyms (CRAPOLA) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Nov 1999 07:54:49 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Limericks A strange young fellow from Leeds, Rashly swallowed a package of seeds. Great tufts of fine grass, Sprouted out of his ass, And his balls were covered with weeds. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs, "The men like to spread my two legs, Then slip in between, If you know what I mean, And leave me the white of their eggs." -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- There once was a young man named Gene, Who invented a screwing machine, Concave and convex, It served either sex, And it played with itself in between. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- There was an old man of Newport, Whose prick was remarkably short. When he got into bed, The old woman said, "This isn't a prick, it's a wart!" -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- There was a young girl named Sapphire, Who succumbed to her lover's desire, She said: "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- There was a young student called Jones, Who'd reduce any maiden to moans, By his wonderful knowledge, Acquired in college, Of nineteen erogenous zones. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- Ginger from County of Dade, Said, "I think that it's time I got laid. My vibrator can tingle, But it's not cunnilingual, And that's how orgasms are made." -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- There was a young lady from Brewster, Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her, But her panties were thin, And my finger slipped in, And it still just don't smell like it used ter. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- There once was a man from Australia, Who went on a wild bacchanalia. He buggered a frog, Two mice, and a dog, And a bishop in fullest regalia. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- There was a young lady of Arden, Who sucked off ol' Bob in the garden. He asked, "You old ho' , Where does all that stuff go?" And she said, "(swallow hard)-- Beg pardon?" -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- On the internet they found romance, That put both in a hot sexual trance, But each had a gripe, About having to type, With their hand stuck down into their pants. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- There was a young fellow from Florida, Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. When they got into bed, He cried, "God strike me dead, This isn't a cunt, it's a corridor!" (via Original Sins, MsKitty & WT Stull) ************************************* Nobody asks who the best man is at a nudist wedding. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Nov 1999 08:24:55 EST From: Jay Harman Subject: Xerox Killing in Hawaii On the heels of the shooting at the Xerox company in Hawaii, further breaking news..... The police think it's a "copy" killing.... They are trying to "reproduce" the exact shooting sequence..... Early reports have the gunman chasing fellow employees around the building, then grabbing them by the reproduction equipment..... ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Nov 1999 11:56:02 -0500 From: Jim Mica Subject: Pet Ownership and Academic Achievement There's Academic Gold in them thar Goldfish!! The new issue of TIME magazine is out on the stands. The date on the mag is November 8, 1999 (pg. 33). The really exciting news of the week is that high school students who have pets are doing better than non-pet owners: *Average GPA: Pet owners (including those who own fish) 3.5 "Non-pet owners" 3.2 The message is clear: if you own a "non-pet," get rid of it! TIME also reports that "students who keep fish" score 200 points higher on "the SAT" than those who don't own fish. I'm sure the fact that the above figures come from the American Pet Products Manufacturers Association will have no impact on the way these findings are interpreted. So, how does one interpret them? Well, start with the demonstrated fact that SAT scores are positively correlated with family income. If you can add enough to your family income to be able to afford a pet fish, then you can up your SATs 200 points. It's as simple as that. {Of course, the underclass could mount a rebellion in which they steal pet fish in order to rebalance the scales (?!?) and creat a more-even playing field. This is unlikely, however, because so few of the undercalss read TIME or subscribe to the newsletter of the American Pet Products Manufacturers Association.) -- Jim Mica JMICA@ITHACA.EDU Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language. -Ludwig Wittgenstein ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Nov 1999 11:55:28 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #20 (2nd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The broke get brokers. The Jim Bob Meet IBOB Award for the first sentence of the following press release. "Vector Energy Corporation (OTCBB: VCET) announced today that it has expanded its previously announced Internet venture with IT Development for th development of the inbound/outbound (IBOB) technology." Disease of the Month Award to the Bladder Health Council of the American Foundation for Urologic Disease, which urges us old folks to watch out for overactive bladder. Blockbuster, your friendly, neighborhood national video store, says its survey shows 49 percent of us will be staying home this New Year's Eve. The company also says (hopefully) that most VCRs don't suffer from the Y2K computer problem. A little Swiss-German airplane humor from the Web site for Euro Airport Basel-Mulhaus-Freiburg, as reported by trade magazine Travel Weekly. A pilot brings his aircraft to an abrupt halt after landing, telling his co-pilot he's never seen such a short runway. "Yes," the co-pilot replies. "And for some reason it's 2 1/2 miles wide." And on the subject of a language that makes up words by adding prefixes and suffixes forever, here's the Best German Organization Name this month. It's the TransAtlantischeLuftschiffahrtgesellschaft -- Transatlantic Airship Travel Society, a group which wants to bring back the Hindenburg. A reader who wishes to be identified only as Fjet thinks it may be more than a coincidence that the guy who sells you stock is known as a broker. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Nov 1999 14:50:28 -0800 From: "Michael J. Irvin" Subject: Opera: A White House Affair (L'blanca casa scandola) Opera: A White House Affair (L'blanca casa scandola) Act 1: Bill Clinton has just been elected president and Republicans are in shock. As the curtain rises, House Republicans are meeting with Ken Starr, plotting to find some way to remove Clinton from office. The opening chorale, "We must find a way (Creatio grandissimo floozi scandala)." The following recitative, sung by Tom DeLay, is "Where will we find a helper? (Dredgi uppulia una Granda Bimba)." The House Republicans exit. Paula Jones enters (stage right) with a mirror, singing her plaintive "Why can't I find a man? (Mi schnoz es humongo)." Tom DeLay and Newt Gingrich enter (stage left). As they spot Paula, they sing a duet: "Why not her? (La flooza perfecta)." They take Paula to a small cafe where they hatch their plot in hushed tones. Paula tells them of her meeting in a hotel with Clinton years earlier and how her fortunes have collapsed since then. DeLay and Gingrich offer to help. They sing the aria: "Your luck has changed (Nozjobbo es rewardo)." Act 2: The House Republicans reconvene with the news of Paula's revelations. They sing in jubilation: "We must tell the world (Phono tabloido)." The rear curtain rises to reveal the Chorus of Media which sings the chorale, "Tell us more, but only the truth (Sexio scandala hypo sweepi)." Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet: "He must go (hypocriti pious crapolla)." Robertson offers to make time on his television program to expose the charges. At the House Republicans' suggestion, Paula initiates a lawsuit. The scandal becomes the country's topic of conversation. The Chorus of Lawyers enters (stage right) to sing the jubilant grand chorale: "We must do our duty (Multi, multi grande moolah)." Ken Starr meets with House Republicans to plan their next move. They sing the aria: "We will save the country (Sleezi connivo)." Starr promises to convene a grand jury which will send the charges to Congress. He sings "The truth will be known (Whitewater non starto, probo la flooz epidemio)." The Chorus of Lawyers sings a reprise of "We must do our duty" as the act ends. Act 3: Linda Tripp enters (stage left) arm-in-arm with Ken Starr. She is wearing a headset. She is singing: "Monica is my dearest friend (Mi es la wiccida witchi occidenta)." She tells Starr about the secret tapes that she has made of conversations with Monica Lewinski. Starr takes them from her and sings: "We have got him now (Presidente droppo pantoloni)." Starr hurries off to the Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness. Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of Lawyers asks her questions. They sing the recitative: "How did it happen? (Panti thongo, la fashi)." Monica sings the long passionate aria: "We were meant for each other (Non smoko el producto, phalli symboglio)." In the third scene, Hilary and Bill are sitting in the Lincoln Bedroom talking about Monica's revelations. Hilary sings: "I will stand by you (Tu jercho estupido, mi remove su equippamento)." Bill replies with "She was the only one (Non conto Gennifer, Paul, piu multi bimba forgetta)." They embrace. Act 4: Sam Donaldson is interviewing Henry Hyde in the Capitol Building. The Chorus of Lawyers hums in the background. Hyde sings the aria: "We believe in something (Impeacho hippi bastardo)." Donaldson sings a recitative in reply: "We only want the truth (Toupee eslippo)." The great trial begins in the Senate. Trent Lott reacts to public opinion polls showing that the president has a 76% approval rating with the poignant aria: "What is right is not popular (Partia Repubblico committini suicido)." The Chorus of Lawyers sings the chorale: "Principles come first (Mi adultero non conto)." With great flouish, Henry Hyde, Bill McCollum and Tom DeLay stand before the Senate to present their case. They sing the somber trio: "How can you not convict? (Evidenso multi flimsioso)." Finally in a moving chorale, the Chorus of Lawyers sing: "For the good of the nation, we must acquit (Senato non stupido)." After the vote is announced, Henry Hyde, Tom DeLay, Trent Lott and Bill McCollum leave the Senate singing the grand quartet: "We still know the truth ( Wasto multi millioni)" as the act ends. Epilogue: The president sings the contrite aria: "I am very sorry (Revengo futuro)." The Chorus of Media surrounds the president, shouting their questions and singing "Who will now believe us? (Publicca degustanta es in media)." Monica Lewinsky crosses the stage with her new literary agent, Ken Starr. They sing: "It is still not over (Publishi grande bucchi, dollare millionari)" as the curtain falls. Ruth M. Dahlke, D.M.A. Professor of Music Moorhead State University ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 10:29:07 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: DNA Personals I've been single-stranded too long! Lonely ATGCATG would like to pair up with congenial TACGTAC. Menage a trois! Ligand seeks two receptors into binding and mutual phosphorylation. Let's get together and transduce some signals. Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a real operator. Personally, I think I'm just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind. Highly sensitive, orally active small molecule seeks stable well-structured receptor who knows size isn't everything. There must be a rational way to meet a date! I'm tired of hanging out in those molecular diversity bars, hoping to randomly bump into the right peptide. I want a molecule that will fit right into my active site and really turn me on. I'll send you my crystal structure if you send me yours! Gene therapy graduate. After years of producing nothing but gibberish, I've shed my exons and am ready to express my introns. All I need is a cute vector to introduce me to the right host. My RNA, I'm sorry I misread your UAAUAAUAA and inserted three tyrosines when you repeatedly asked me to stop. Something got lost in the translation. Please forgive me. Naked DNA with sticky ends seeks kanamycin-resistant plasmid. EcoR1 sites preferred. Uninhibited virus seeks reason to make me shed my coat protein. This very selective oliogonucleotide has been probing for just the right target for long term hybridization. Mature cell seeks same who still enjoys cycling and won't go apoptotic on me. Let's fight senescence together! I'm a prolific progenitor with great potential for growth and self-renewal. Call me if you're a potent hematopoietic factor who still believes in endless nights of colony stimulation. I don't always express myself on the surface, but I'm looking for a signal that you appreciate my complexity. Send me the right message that will penetrate my membranes, turn on my protein expression and release my potential energy. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Nov 1999 to 4 Nov 1999 (#1999-143) **********************************************************