There are 6 messages totalling 361 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Christmas Songs For The Mentally Disturbed 2. repost: Current events, Peace talks 3. Hotel/Mergers 4. The Night Before Y-2-K 5. How Blonde was she? 6. Humor: viagra joke ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 06:47:59 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Christmas Songs For The Mentally Disturbed SCHIZOPHRENIA Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER We Three Queens Disoriented Are DEMENTIA I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..... PARANOID Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why. DEPRESSION Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........ ....(better start again) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. [Thanks to Mary Campbell] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 13:57:10 +0200 From: Alar -The Joker- Pardla Subject: repost: Current events, Peace talks Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 03:19:24 -0600 From: Spurlock Former Vice President Dan Quayle has developed a blood clot in his lung, probably as a result of "immobility in the legs from prolonged plane trips", according to Dr. Homer Twigg, pulmonary specialist. Twigg also said that Quayle would be tested for other clots. I understand that when his doctors were ruling out cerebral clots, they X-rayed his head and found nothing. :-) --- Commenting on Wednesday's murder of an Israeli soldier, Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin said, "We shall continue on the way to peace and fight those who oppose it." Excuse me? --- Reading Rabin's statement, I was reminded of this item from Ross and Kathryn Petras' book, _The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said_: "Why can't the Jews and the Arabs just sit down together and settle this like good Christians?" --overheard during a congressional debate; also attributed to Arthur Balfour, British statesman, Prime Minister, and Foreign Secretary signature> Its December - check out http://jokes.isp.ee/christmas/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 07:09:14 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Hotel/Mergers A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here and you could have." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see: Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home. Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become MineAll Mine. Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild. 3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera. Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 07:51:55 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: The Night Before Y-2-K 'Twas the night before Y2K, And all through the nation We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation. The chips were replaced In computers with care, In hopes that ol' Bugsy Wouldn't stop there. While some folks could think They were snug in their beds, Others had visions Of dread in their heads. And Ma with her PC, And I with my Mac Had just logged on the Net And kicked back with a snack. When over the server, There arose such a clatter, I called Mister Gates To see what was the matter. But he was away, So I flew like a flash, Off to my bank To withdraw all my cash. When what to my wandering eyes Should I see? My good old Mac Looked sick to me. The hack of all hackers Was looking so smug, I knew that it must be The Y-2-K Bug! His image downloaded In no time at all, He whistled and shouted, Let all systems fall! Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue! Everything Compaq, And Pentium too! All processors big, All processors small, Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all! All the controls That planes need for their flights, All microwaves, trains And all traffic lights. As I drew in my breath And was turning around, Out through the modem, He came with a bound. He as covered with fur, And slung on his back Was a sackful of virus, Set for attack. His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples - how merry! As midnight approached, though Things soon became scary. He had a broad little face And a round little belly, And his sack filled with virus Quivered like jelly. He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning, And I laughed when I saw him Though my hard drive stopped spinning. A wink of his eye, And a twist of head, Soon gave me to know A new feeling of dread. He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, He changed all the codes, Then turned with a jerk. With a twitch of his nose, And a quick little wink, All things electronic Soon went on the blink. He zoomed from my system, To the next folks on-line, He caused such disruption, Could this be a sign? Then I heard him exclaim, As he warped out of sight, Happy Y-2-K to all, This is a heluva night! **************************** Only 29 weapons-stockpiling days until Y2K! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 07:15:30 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: How Blonde was she? How Blonde Was She? She was soooooooooooooo blonde... She tripped over a cordless phone. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate". She thought Boyz II Men was a day care enter. She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK". She thought General Motors was in the army. She sold the car for gas money! At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put " Sagittarius". It takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes". She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." She tried to drown a fish. She got stabbed in a shoot-out. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 10:27:27 -0600 From: "Rowe, Thomas" Subject: Humor: viagra joke An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it. He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. "Lets just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out I'll write you a prescription." The old man looked at the pills and said "Doc. Don't you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill." "Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You don't want a quarter of a pill. That won't do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience you're going to need a full dose." "Doc, you don't understand. I don't want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Dec 1999 to 3 Dec 1999 (#1999-172) **********************************************************