From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Dec 1999 to 4 Dec 1999 (#1999-173) Date: Saturday, December 04, 1999 2:00 AM There are 11 messages totalling 449 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Tactical kangaroo report 2. It is - still - a wacky world 3. The 12 Days Of Christmas (For the politically correct) 4. Smiles??? 5. Food For Thought 6. Hey, Fruitcake!!! 7. Typing made easy 8. A Pair of Pants (Pun) 9. The New Filly 10. Humor - Weird Business News #21 (1st 0f 3) 11. Football fans (offensive to fans of AFC West teams) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 18 Sep 2005 00:40:23 +0300 From: Ground Zero Subject: Tactical kangaroo report from June 15, 1999 _Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture series_, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports. + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + The reuse of some object-oriented code had caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. "As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and -- in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix -- herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position). The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement. Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively....then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the helpless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove THAT part of the infantry coding.) The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 12:37:21 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: It is - still - a wacky world Harare, Zimbabwe, Nov. 30, 1999 Sorcerers' spells and voodoo hexes are dismissed as hocus-pocus in much of the world, but in Zimbabwe a juju curse is considered a plausible danger. A suburban Harare, Zimbabwe, prostitute was recently accused of magically stealing her client's penis and testicles after he failed to pay her $1.60 fornication fee, notes the Nov. 15 Herald Reporter. The married man excused himself after intercourse with her to use an outdoor toilet, but he never returned. The next morning, the swindler entered another public lavatory at the Mbare Musica bus station, where he discovered that his sex organs had vanished! Dismayed by this dislocation, he began screaming and running around the crowded terminal, clutching his smooth crotch. Police officers dragged him to the local station, where he related his sad tale and displayed his empty groin as proof. The vengeful hooker was summarily ushered in to explain the genitalia absence. She informed her interrogators that the lost apparatus would be returned the following day if the man apologized for his behavior and paid her for the sexual services that he had received, plus interest. Contritely, the man obeyed. The next morning he joyously returned to the constabulary to confirm to the curious and concerned police that he had indeed woken up fully intact. Belief in Zimbabwe black magic extends to all races, suggests an article in the Nov. 7 Africa News. Richard Wolton, a white farmer, hired seven n'angas (traditional healers) to banish from his property any witches who might be mysteriously killing his farm workers. The n'angas located an abundance of ominous objects that they claimed were used in nocturnal witchcraft activities. The confiscated juju junk included owls, snakes, goblins and a human penis. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 06:45:43 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: The 12 Days Of Christmas (For the politically correct) On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk- products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs THREE deconstructionist poets TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 07:05:37 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Smiles??? Q: Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? A: He tried to resign on Monday but discovered that he'd been standing in the wrong line. ============================================================================== Penguins mate for life. That doesn't surprise me much because they all look alike. It's not like they're going to meet a much better looking penguin someday. ============================================================================= Telltale Signs That You're Being Stalked By Martha Stewart ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * You get a threatening note made up of letters neatly cut out of a magazine with pinking shears; * You find a slice of lemon floating in your dog's dish; * Every napkin in your house has been folded into the shape of a swan; * On her TV show she makes a replica of your home out of gingerbread, including your fallen-down licorice downspout and stuck-half-open, graham-cracker, garage door; * You find your pet bunny simmering on the stove in an exquisitie, tarragon, rose-petal and saffron demi-glace. ============================================================================= Bill Gates and the president of General Motors were attending a Q & A session during a business conference. Gates boasted of the innovations that his company has made over the years. "If GM had kept up with technology the way that Microsoft has," Gates bragged, "we'd all be driving $25 cars that get 500 Kilometres per litre." "I suppose that's true," the GM executive agreed. "But would you really want your car to crash twice a day???" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 07:51:46 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Food For Thought The difference between something that might go wrong and something that can not possibly go wrong is that when something that can not possibly go wrong does go wrong, it is usually impossible to repair or to correct. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 09:25:06 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Hey, Fruitcake!!! I have a fruitcake which has been in my family for several years. Apparently, my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me). Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish for years. Items Needed: ------------- 4 Oz. Fruit Bits 1 Railroad Tie Wood Saw Large Rubber Mallet Safety Goggles WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread. Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallet. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallet! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything. For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes). Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake! ------------------------------------------ (via The Chef at World Wide Recipes ) ********************************* So, if you cross a chicken with a zebra, would you get a four-legged dinner with its own barcode? ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 12:14:12 -0500 From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Typing made easy A husband and wife decided they needed to use a code word to indicate that they wanted to have sex, without letting their children in on the idea, so they decided on the word "typewriter." One day, the husband told his five year old daughter, "Dear, go tell your mommy that Daddy needs to type a letter. " The child went into the next room and told her mom what Daddy had said, and her mother responded, "Honey, tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her dad what her mom had said. A few days later, the mother told her daughter, "Honey, go tell Daddy that he can type that letter now." The child went into the next room and gave her dad the message. A few moments later, she returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 09:46:54 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: A Pair of Pants (Pun) One day a man and his wife got into a terrible fight. She became so irrational that she sliced the heck out of his favorite pair of pants... he was for some reason extremely attached to them. When he saw what she had done he nearly broke down in tears because of how much those pants meant to him. He took them to tailors near and far in an attempt to get them fixed as good as new, but not one would even attempt it until one day he found a really old tailor who said he would try. "I have developed a new technique where I can reweave the fabric together so that you will not be able to tell the pants had ever been damaged," bragged the old tailor. "It will be as if they are growing back together into a new pair of pants." "That's perfect," cried the man. "It will take a long time, for it is a very involved process. It will also be expensive, but I am the only one in the world who can do this." "Money is no object," stated the man, so the tailor began to fix his pants. The man checked in every week to see how his pants were progressing, and every week the tailor showed him how the new process had made the pants grow slowly but steadily longer. One day when the pants were at about mid-thigh the man walked into the shop, but all the shades were drawn and there was an atmosphere of mourning in the air. An apprentice, recognizing the man from his frequent visits, explained how the tailor had died of a heart attack in his sleep the night before. "I hate to ask," said the man, "at such a somber moment, but I'd like to know one thing. The pants he was working on for me ... will they ever be finished?" The apprentice looked at him sadly, finally shaking his bowed head. … "I'm sorry, but they stopped, shorts, never to grow again when the old man died." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 13:58:00 -0500 From: Jim Mica Subject: The New Filly Just in via the internet: "New Filly" A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away. So, that day, the farmer does just that. The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm and sees the neighbor' kid out by their barn. "Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bedsheet tied around her rump?" the farmer asks. The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her butt!!" ----------------------------------------------- Hmmmmm, Greek Stallion? ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 16:19:26 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #21 (1st 0f 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your last chance for weird 'til 2000 HERE IT IS! The last Weird Business News of the century. It's another look at the foibles of business in search of a buck. BizSpeak as collected by reader Mary (had a little) Lamb. · Sitcoms. What Yuppies turn into when they become parents and one quits working. The acronym stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. · Xerox subsidy. Making photocopies of your private stuff at work. The Plain English Award to Eagle Wireless International of Houston for this sentence in a news release: "Eagle's STB plans include a series of STBs focused more on the Convergence STB (CSTB(TM))appliance model rather than the conventional STB. The MPEG-2 decoder is embedded on Eagle's proprietary socket 7 compatible motherboard. The CSTB architecture utilizes the EM8220 MPEG-2 decoder chip." Best Company Name Award to the Atlanta-based marketing communications firm, Hype, just purchased by biggie PR firm Hill and Knowlton. Best Company Name, second place, to Halfbrain.com, which makes Web-based productivity applications. Most Politically Correct Advertising Slogan goes to shock disc jockey Howard Stern for posters in Great Britain. They quoted Stern as saying, "It's OK for a man to commit adultery if his wife is ugly." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ƒ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 22:48:42 -0800 From: "M. Zaiem Beg" Subject: Football fans (offensive to fans of AFC West teams) Five football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team in the AFC west and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the San Diego fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Chargers!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Seahawks fan proclaimed, "This is for Da 'Hawks!" and grabs the Chiefs fan pulling them both off the mountain to their death. Seeing this, the Broncos fan walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Raider fan off the side of the mountain. -M. Zaiem Beg zbeg@wolfenet.com ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Dec 1999 to 4 Dec 1999 (#1999-173) **********************************************************