From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 6 Dec 1999 to 7 Dec 1999 (#1999-176) Date: Tuesday, December 07, 1999 2:00 AM There are 7 messages totalling 390 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Two doctors 2. Christmas Hunting (Part 3 of 3) 3. Giggles 4. Dieting 5. Following her mother's advice 6. Barbie's letter to Santa 7. The Husband ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 11:16:32 +0300 From: pelin Subject: Two doctors One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 07:20:06 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Christmas Hunting (Part 3 of 3) Rules and Regulations Getting a personal GIFT for your wife has specific rules, like a size limit on a fish caught in a lake. Here are some that will help keep you out of trouble - Buy her something she already has. Then she can exchange it for something she really likes and "you will never know". - Avoid sizes. If you have to get her any clothing, get a size or two too small. This translates in her mind as a compliment. - No underwear, Teddies, or pajamas. This is interpreted as a gift for you, and also conflicts with rule two above. - If it comes from a store you are comfortable in, get something else. There are no personal items for women in sporting goods, hardware, liquor, or fishing/tackle stores. The possible exception is if you are building that romantic porch swing she has bugged you about for years. In this case, have it finished before Christmas, or you will have to go back into the forest for something else. - No plants, flowers, or cards. These are for other occasions, weddings, and deaths. These are interpreted as make-do gifts, such as those things you grab at the last minute at the airport, the gas station, or the check-out stand. - The GIFT must personal and impractical. The breadmaker and blender are used by everyone in the house, not just her. It must hers and hers alone. An exception would be an automobile. Compact - yes, Mini-van - no. - Things that enhance her personal hobby or collection are sure winners. If she collects Barbies, an expensive ceramic version would be an excellent trophy to give her. - Expensive candy is OK, but does not constitute the main GIFT. Put this in her Christmas stocking with the plastic candy cane you forgot to put back. The Perfect Hunt The best way to turn "Christmas shopping" into "Christmas hunting" would be to organize a hunting trip. Treat this the same as any other hunting expedition. Get together some buddies. Drive to the other side of the next state and camp. Drink and play poker until you all pass out. Wake up before dawn and walk at least a mile to the forest (mall). If it's not open yet, have breakfast. Malls open earlier and stay open later as Christmas day approaches. Divide into two's and hunt for the GIFT. Admire each other's kill. Unless the GIFT is a car hood ornament, it would be tacky to tie the GIFT to the hood of the car. Only something too large, such as exercise equipment, can hang out of the trunk with bungee cords. Spend the rest of the day in the sports bar or golf course. I have had a lot of success with this attitude toward getting the GIFT. On one experience, I tackled the greatest of all forests, Mall of America. I arrived on Christmas Eve morning at 7 am, parked right outside the door, and I was back in the car with her GIFT in 45 minutes. I wouldn't recommend this to an amateur hunter. Once you get the hang of the "Christmas Hunt", you can attempt the "Anniversary Hunt" or the "Birthday Hunt", once you figure out which days those are. [Thanks to Carey V. Smith] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 07:54:02 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Giggles Last Rites A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A priest, please" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "J-2. I-1. O-27. F-34. I-12. . ." ========================================================================= Factoid Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator. +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Quiz What is the largest amount of money, in coins, that you can have without being able to make change for a dollar? +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Blonde and the Sheepherder Once upon a time there was a blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said. "Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. "Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". "Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?", queried the woman. "If I can guess the real colour of your hair...can I have my dog back?" =========================================================================== Answers three quarters, four dimes and four pennies (you have $1.19) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 09:29:13 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Dieting YOU KNOW IT IS TIME FOR A DIET WHEN: - You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing. - You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller. - Weight Watchers demands your resignation. - You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it says, "One at a time, please!" - Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed contact lenses. - The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to make a turn without flipping over. - You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire blackboard. - They throw puffed rice at your wedding. (Wait.... that's if you're pregnant) - You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like someone adjusting a venetian blind. - You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to sleep. - You nod one chin and two others second the motion. ************************* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 12:00:16 -0500 From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Following her mother's advice A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything." "Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?" "No," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?" "N-n-no," the girl stammered. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 15:00:14 +0300 From: Ground Zero Subject: Barbie's letter to Santa (by courtesy of Thomas Holkenbrink) Barbie's Letter To Santa: Dear Santa, Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year,being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but it's paybacktime. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown,and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 1999: 1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do. 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro toget him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?! 4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct.Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said. 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor, school teacher and make real money. 8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece of the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly, Barbie Ken's Letter To Santa: Dear Santa, It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality,and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires: First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms.Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dunebuggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been underserved. As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware. In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken -- "Realmendon'tneedspacebars!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 09:13:14 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: The Husband Bride to groom: Is this really your third marriage? Sure is. What happened to your first two wives? They died. How did your first wife die? She ate some poisonous mushrooms. What about your second wife? She died from a severe skull fracture. How did she get a skull fracture? She wouldn't eat the mushrooms. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Dec 1999 to 7 Dec 1999 (#1999-176) **********************************************************