From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 31 Dec 1999 to 1 Jan 2000 (#2000-1) Date: Saturday, January 01, 2000 2:00 AM There are 6 messages totalling 234 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Happy New Year 2. Pickup Line of the 20th Century 3. It's A Wacky World! #79 (Adult) 4. Gotta Be a BLONDE 5. The Millenium bug- the last word? 6. Hebonics ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 07:52:46 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Happy New Year WISHES FOR THE NEW CENTURY May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise. May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the IRS. May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space. May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night. May you wake up on January 1 finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen. May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3 and find your account is in order, your money is still there, and any mistakes are in your favor. May you ponder on January 4, "How did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand?" May you have the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning, and may some of the promises made be kept. May you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and may those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen. May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may your checkbook and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for your church and charities. May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, and your parent(s). You can say it to your secretary, your nurse, your butcher, your photographer, your masseuse, your seamstress, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor, but not with a "twinkle" in your eye. May we live as intended, in a world at peace with the awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart. And, may you forward this on to someone that could use a smile and a laugh to brighten their day. Bless you with every happiness, great health peace, and much love during the next year and all those that follow. [Thanks to Mary Campbell] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 13:22:29 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Pickup Line of the 20th Century "I've got something that glows in the dark. Wanna see?" -----Madame Curie ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 14:19:20 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: It's A Wacky World! #79 (Adult) SAN ANTONIO (APBnews.com) -- A heroin addict on probation for burglary tried to pull a fast one on officers by using a fake penis to provide urine for a drug test, authorities said today. Micah Sheehan, 37, was caught using the sexual device during one of his mandatory twice-weekly urine tests two weeks ago, said Bexar County Probation Director Caesar Garcia. "I've been around for 30 years, and I've never seen anything like this," Garcia told APBnews.com. 'Many telltale signs' A probation department technician who was watching Sheehan provide the urine sample realized something was wrong because the bleached-pink fake penis was a different color than Sheehan's skin, Garcia said. Also, the urine was discharging from all different angles like water shooting from a sprinkler, he said. "There were too many telltale signs," Garcia said. "He had this 8-inch penis in his hand squeezing urine out of it. He fumbled with it, and it fell out of his shorts, and he caught it before it hit the ground." The urine, which was not Sheehan's, was cold because it had been in a refrigerator, Garcia said. Faces return to prison ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 16:24:35 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Gotta Be a BLONDE A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"? The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here. I almost had an accident ! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me !" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied . "Ma'am ...that's your air freshener. If u cannot find the pot of gold....... ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 98% of the population is asleep. The other 2% are staring around in complete amazement, abject terror, or both. Welcome to 2000 a.d. *~*~*~*~*~!! *~*~*~*~*~*~ . ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 21:08:56 PST From: david jeffries Subject: The Millenium bug- the last word? The millenium bug is a complete misnomer. The bug is caused by the end of a century, not by the end of one thousand years. If this had been 1900, we would still be getting the same problem. Y2K, as most computer people know, is not accurate, as it implies 2048 AD. To call it a centennial bug would be inaccurate, as the century does not actually begin until 2001. Perhaps centenium bug would be a little more accurate. But because this has been brought about by computers which have been around just for the last 50 years, perhaps we should be calling it... "THE PENTIUM BUG" ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 22:18:40 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Hebonics The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles and Scarsdale. In Hebronics: Questions are always answered with questions: Question: "How do you feel?" Hebronics response: "How should I feel?" The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl." The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle." These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebonics: English: "He walks slowly" Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks." English: "Sorry, I don't know the time" Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?" English: "I hope things turn out okay" Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!" English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you." Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like? English: "Anything can happen." Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse" English: "May I take your plate sir?" Hebronics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?" English: "It's been so long since you've called." Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?" English: "Let's not go skiing" Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you? ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Dec 1999 to 1 Jan 2000 (#2000-1) *********************************************************