Digest for Monday, January 03, 2000
There are 8 messages totalling 367 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- What Number?
- The Twelve Days of Technology
- Cartoon Characters
- Original Groaner
- Y2K Transition: No Biggie for Academe
- SENSUS MAKER
- Guess Who??
- How I lost my new Mercedes
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 06:57:14 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: What Number?
To determine the source of an internal ailment, a young blonde
had to undergo a battery of diagnostic tests. All was going
fine until he was give a form to sign which stated that one out
of 10,000 people had a violent allergic reaction to one of the
tests.
Obviously very concerned, she asked the doctor, "What number are
they on now?"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 14:39:53 +0200
From: Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: The Twelve Days of Technology <part 1 of 2>
(Oldie, via alt.sysadmin.recovery. Orig. source unknown)
On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)
On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!)
On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything)
Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over)
Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial
things?)
Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer
error?)
On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!)
Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold?
Three French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's. Why do you
ask?)
Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know
which ones to fix!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you
nuts?!?!)
On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? Damn!)
Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the
screen...)
Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're in the
ceiling!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this was
written?)
On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each
other!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?)
Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this time...)
Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key,
but...)
Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it
myself!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk
to Lars - NOW!)
On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security violation!)
Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?)
Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't it?)
Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer
me back - DAMN!)
Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end
a program)
Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling transceiver"?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?)
Felix
----------------------
"Shhh!... Be vewy, vewy quiet! I'm hunting wabbits."
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:57:39 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Cartoon Characters
In honor of Charles Schultz, who's
retiring Charlie Brown and the gang.
-----------------------
Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Thought they've
been around almost 50 years the members of the Peanuts gang
are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But
what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With
apologies to Charles Schulz:
Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic
depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights
as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to
Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.
Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the
New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved
in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run
every Halloween. Only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.
Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband.
Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the
background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.
Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar
in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean of his piano.
Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named
Sweet Baboo. Sells Mary Kay.
Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion
credo: "Sandals go with everything."
Snoppy:
In dog years, he be 350. What do you think would've happened
to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy
farm in Snoopy's memory.
by John C. Davenport
The Dallas Morning News
(via MsKitty)
*****************************
There's a difference between a philosophy
and a bumper sticker. -- Charles M. Schultz
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 10:46:19 -0800
From: Clynch Varnadore <Clynch_Varnadore@SELINC.COM>
Subject: Original Groaner
--0__=LFuKOv8RFQFmpFKusjIUItEJesuIk48Fzes3GIoly9L4vEZHqV6kBJWo
Content-type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Disposition: inline
Here's another groaner which I've just written:
When we lived there, my wife and I used to walk the beach a lot. One summer we
noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn
--0__=LFuKOv8RFQFmpFKusjIUItEJesuIk48Fzes3GIoly9L4vEZHqV6kBJWo
Content-type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1
Content-Disposition: inline
Content-transfer-encoding: quoted-printable
?t unusual,
nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would app=
roach
people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then spe=
ak to
them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wande=
r off,
but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange =
of money
for something she carried in her bag.
My wife and I assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cop=
s, but we
didn?t know for sure so we just continued to watch her. After a couple =
of weeks
my wife said, ?Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to pe=
ople with
boom boxes and other electronic devices??
I hadn?t, and I said so. Then she said, ?Tomorrow I want you to get a t=
owel and
our big radio and go lay out on the beach. Then we can find out what sh=
e?s
really doing.?
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and my wife was almost hopping =
up and
down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to me and then leave.=
I walked
up the beach and met her at the road.
?Well? Is she selling drugs?? she asked, excitement pouring out with he=
r voice.
?No, she?s not.? I said, enjoying this probably more than I should have=
.
?Well? What is it, then? What does she do?? my wife fairly shrieked.
I smirked and said, ?She sells ?C? cells by the sea shore.?
by Clynch Varnadore
=
--0__=LFuKOv8RFQFmpFKusjIUItEJesuIk48Fzes3GIoly9L4vEZHqV6kBJWo--
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 15:59:31 -0500
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Y2K Transition: No Biggie for Academe
Today's Chronicle of Higher Ed (3-jan-1900)* reports that
the "Y2K Bug" was a "New Year's No-show."
The article, written by Florence Olsen, says everything
went smoothly. There was, however, some excitement at
CUNY in New York City:
At the City University of New York,
eight technology-staff members spent
New Year's Eve in the mainframe
center at West 57th Street and 11th
Avenue, keeping one eye on the
mainframe and the other on Times
Square, says Michael Ribaudo,
university dean for instructional
technology and information systems at
CUNY.
The only heartstopper of the evening
happened, he says, when the
10-year-old son of one of his
colleagues, who was in the center that
night, put his hand up to the mainframe
and asked, "What's this switch for?"
"I almost had a heart attack," says Mr.
Ribaudo. "That was about as bad as it
got."
--30--
I guess we've gone from trying to be Y2K compliant
to being Y2K complacent and are now Y2K conversant.
jhm
___________________________________
* Yes, it did have 2000. This is a little joke.
--
jiM Mica JMICA@ITHACA.EDU
Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment
of our intelligence by means of language.
-Ludwig Wittgenstein
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 14:35:25 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: SENSUS MAKER
I was setting on my porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil
in his hand.
"What are you selling young man," I asked. "I'm not selling anything," the
joung man said. I'm the Census Taker."
"A what ?" the man asked. "A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how
many people are in the United States."
"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea.?"
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 17:00:18 EST
From: SueS7@AOL.COM
Subject: Guess Who??
Can you imagine working at the following Company?
It has a little over 500
employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up?
It's the 535 members of your United States
Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks
out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed
to keep the rest of us in line.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 09:07:19 +0800
From: Yeow Jit San (Benjamin) (Central) <JSYEOW@DIGI.COM.MY>
Subject: How I lost my new Mercedes
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting
goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little
perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store,
she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around
alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let
him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling,
"Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new
Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate
number!"
===========================================
Jokes Make My Day (JMMD) Digest <jmmd@pd.jaring.my>
Our Fun Site, http://www.penang.org/JMMD/
===========================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index