Digest for Wednesday, January 05, 2000
There are 12 messages totalling 554 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Little Johny
- 123 Does It
- Adminspotting
- Things Youll Never.......
- Ethnic
- 3 in 1 Oil [Adult?]
- Efficient Women?
- Humor - Weird Business News #22 (2nd of 3)
- CHILDRENS BOOKS THAT DIDNT MAKE THE CUT
- Four Groaners
- The Y2K Conundrum
- The Wee Button [Adult]
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 13:21:47 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Little Johny <adult-ish, mildly inspirational>
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a
seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips
onto the floor and he falls.
As he gets up, Little Johnny, sitting nearby, turns to him and
says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,
it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back, "Well, if your dad had done the same
thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 06:44:54 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 123 Does It
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable
to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few
things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This
is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at
a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." So, finally, the
psychiatrist, at his wits ends, refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder
on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The
witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use
it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall
rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is
'1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work
again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says
"123", and just like that, he gets an erection!
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
[Thanks to Mary Myers]
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 14:02:32 +0200
From: Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Adminspotting <bad language, off. to computer fans and Bill Gates>
Choose no life. Choose no career. Choose no family. Choose a fucking big
computer, choose disk arrays the size of washing machines, modem racks,
CD-ROM writers, and electrical coffee makers. Choose no sleep, high
caffeine and mental insurance. Choose no friends. Choose black jeans and
matching combat boots. Choose chairs for your office in a range of
fucking fabrics. Choose SMTP and wondering why the fuck you are logged on
on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting in that swivel chair looking at
mind-numbing, spirit-crushing web sites, stuffing fucking junk food into
your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last
in some miserable newsgroup, nothing more than an embarrassment to the
selfish, fucked up lusers Gates spawned to replace the computer-literate.
Choose your future.
Choose to sysadmin.
(By Jonathan H N Chin <jc254@newton.cam.ac.uk> based on an original usenet
post by Gary Barnes <gkb@aber.ac.uk>. Posted w/o permission. Please keep
credit lines intact if reposting.)
Felix
------------------
"Shhhh... Be vewy, vewy quiet! I'm hunting wabbits."
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 07:45:11 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Things You'll Never.......
Things That You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say:
* "I'll take Shakespeare for a thousand, Alex."
* "Duct tape won't fix that."
* "I thought Graceland was too tacky."
* "Do you think my hair is too big?"
* "I'll have the argula and radicchio salad."
* "Checkmate."
* "Elvis who?"
* Honey, did you mail that cheque to Greenpeace?"
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 08:08:49 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ethnic <adult>
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun
walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame.
They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his
wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic family.
God is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
InfoBoard at the Egypt Air counter:
Arrivals:
Departures:
Odds:
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
Then there was the polack that was rushed to the hospital with
a badly scalded scrotum. Seems he was making some tea, and
the directions said to soak the bag in boiling hot water....
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a
bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off,
and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will
grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might
thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and
starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle
again before I threw it if I were you."
So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout.
The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back
up after you finish it."
The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking
two more of these."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
Q: What would you call a Mexican gigolo?
A: Juan for the money...
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
A tourist from Greece visits the US on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival,
at the Immigration desk, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application.
The Immigration officer looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying
to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The officer explained: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this
question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'".
"Does it matter?" the Greek answered.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a
nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full, so
they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in
the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,"
says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the
wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here
-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and
everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here
-- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years
and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me, I haven't had sex
for 30 years and they still call me the fucking Jew!"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school
in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that
a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the
landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking
rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they
wanted to go to America to practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
*******************************
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 07:32:34 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: 3 in 1 Oil [Adult?]
Well, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time
had come. So, he took her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver
the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and
said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!"
Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
"Hold on, son! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little
girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! Hey, you got you a daughter!" Bubba got kind
of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on, we ain't finished!"
The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, "Bubba, you just had
another boy! But don't worry, 'cause that's it!"
So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home,
they sat down and began talking. Bubba said, "Mama, you remember that night
that we ran out of Vaseline and had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Bubba said, "Well, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-40!"
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 12:49:32 -0500
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Efficient Women?
Fresh off the net...
Since my subscription of Transportation didn't start until
1953 (nudge, nudge) I can not speak for the antiquity of the
source. But, hey, it all makes sense to me.... jhm
________________________________________________
The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation.
This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force
during World War II-a mere 54 years ago! For those of you with efficiency
issues, pay attention to #8.
Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees:
There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for
jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that
point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women
available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful
tips on the subject from Western Properties:
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of
responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be
flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have
the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked
outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never
contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be
cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the
importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a
little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their
underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical
examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the
property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the
employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or
physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two
lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is
gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so
that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every
few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when
they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding
work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to
another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and
happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day.
You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more
confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh
lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are
often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never
ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even
though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike
a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a
proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 11:57:19 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #22 (2nd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hardy-har headlines.
Here are the nominations for Best News Release Headline Award:
"Narcolepsy Network Issues National Wakeup Call."
"New Research Shows Scientists Are Getting Older."
"Survey: War most likely to halt consumer travel plans."
"Governor Bush Declares Pneutralize Pneumonia Day Throughout Texas."
And the winner is? None of the above.
The We're From the Government, We're Here to Harass You Award goes to the
General Accounting Office, the investigative arm of Congress, which
publishes reports about government efficiency. On Dec. 9, the GAO sent the
following e-mail to everyone who subscribes to its reports.
"On Wednesday, Dec. 8, an individual's subscription request was
inadvertently mailed to the entire GAO Daybook list. We recently installed
new software to manage the Daybook list. Unfortunately, it was
inappropriately configured to allow a request for a subscription to be sent
to all members on the list. "
The What Are You Wearing? Award to Playboy.com, which announced it has
teamed up with LivePerson, an Internet customer service company, to offer
personal service to Playboy e-commerce customers.
From Houston public relations man Jack Sheridan comes these words of envy.
"Microsoft Windows 2000: It's done. That was the entire Microsoft press
release. Microsoft (has) a press release with five words and the market cap
goes up $57 billion. That's $11 billion per word."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 11:09:20 -0800
From: rprieto@JUNO.COM
Subject: CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Bruce
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
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Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 19:31:08 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Four Groaners
Girl on the Beach
When we lived there, my wife and I used to walk the beach a lot. One
summer we noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She
wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one
thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off,
but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange
of money for something she carried in her bag. My wife and I assumed she
was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but we didn't know for
sure so we just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks my wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed
that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices?"
I hadn't, and I said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio
and go lay out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and my wife was almost hopping
up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to me and then
leave.
I walked up the beach and met her at the road. "
Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her
voice.
"No, she's not." I said, enjoying this probably more than I should
have.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" my wife fairly shrieked.
I smirked and said, "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore." (By Clynch Varnadore)
Artistry
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a
particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to
take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night
and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked, "doesn't it look like an artist painted this
scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you
say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that …
Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
The Mail Theft
A young boy was accompanying his aunt to the mall to do some shopping.
Before they went, his aunt stopped by her workplace to pick up her
wages. While they were in the mall parking lot, a purse snatcher ran up,
grabbed her purse and disappeared between the cars. The young boy
spotted a mall security guard and ran up to him and said, "Somebody
stole my aunt's pay!"
The security guard looked the young boy up and down and said, "Cut out
the foolish Pig-Latin and tell me what really happened." (By Gill Krebs)
The Late Dog
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub
owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day
the little dog died.
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The
decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to
remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the
pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the
little dog as to where he was going.
The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven
where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection,
you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"
The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter
told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The
little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth,
but St Peter would not change his mind.
So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of
the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for
you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't
allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The
bartender replied, . . . "I would really like to help you, but my liquor
license doesn't allow me to re-tail spirits after hours!" (By William Brabant)
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Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 09:28:02 +0530
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Y2K Conundrum <clean>
How do you explain to the next generation about the Y2K fiasco?
Here's how...
In a busy Metropolitan city, there was this guy clapping his hands every
now and then for apparently no reason at all when a bystander stopped by
and asked him,
"Sir, what are you doing?"
Our clapping man replied, "Why, clapping my hands!"
"What for?", the bystander asks.
"To scare the elephants away!", our clapping man replies.
"But there aren't any elephants around here for millions of miles!", the
bystander exclaims.
To which our man says, "See, it's working!!"
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 00:43:43 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Wee Button [Adult]
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off
of me fly? I can't button me pants."
"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see
if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back
in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The
little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did
you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did,
everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee
thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
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