Digest for Thursday, January 06, 2000
There are 8 messages totalling 350 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- 2 Bishops
- I WANT YOU BACK!
- Y2K checklist
- Viagra
- Humor - Weird Business News #22 (3rd of3)
- Women
- One for the Girls [suggestive]
- Types Of Feminists - Part 1/2
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Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 06:52:30 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 2 Bishops
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the
modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was
married," said one clergyman self righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/
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Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 07:01:52 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: I WANT YOU BACK!
A woman was missing her boyfriend, so she decided to write him the
following brief letter:
Dear Anthony,
I've been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you
forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool...
nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Kathy
xoxo
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery...
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Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 14:50:26 +0200
From: Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Y2K checklist
(written by Prescott Tolk)
__________________________
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NOT Y2K READY:
You've backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.
You've put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.
The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting the computer.
You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.
You're Amish.
SIGNS THAT YOUR COMPUTER ISN'T Y2K READY:
It has trouble supporting the latest version of Tetris.
The spell check replaces the word "You" with "Thou."
It takes the same amount of time to re-boot as it does to bake
a potato.
The manual advises you to throw a towel over the monitor to use
as a screen saver.
It needs to be updated to binary code.
Felix
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"Shhhh... Be vewy, vewy quiet! I'm hunting wabbits."
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Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 09:09:14 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Viagra <adult>
The old perfesser got so depressed... he went to the doctor
today, and he refused to write him a prescription for Viagra.
Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.
--------------------------------------
The old perfesser went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, It's
my birthday tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd
love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me
something that'll get me up?"
The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think
in your case I can make an exception for one night."
The doctor writes up a prescription for Viagra and hands it to the
geezer.
Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the old perfesser
and asked, "How's it going?"
"Fabulous," the old perfesser said. "I've come three times already."
"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."
"Well, not exactly," the old perfesser said. "She's not here yet."
********************************
Viagra Martini: for when he's shaken, not stirred
-- Top Five
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Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 12:43:58 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #22 (3rd of3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Run that by me again.
From Bloomberg News comes this company description: "Solectron Corporation
provides integrated solutions that span the entire product life cycle. The
company provides pre-production planning and design, manufacturing,
distribution, and end-of-life product service and support to electronics
original equipment manufacturers around the world." The reader who
submitted this item adds, "I think they are a contract manufacturer of
parts, but I'm not sure."
Mothers Against Drunk Driving wants to ban beer at the Tierra Verde Golf
Club in Arlington. Among those opposing the move is the Arlington Police
Association.
From trade magazine Travel Weekly comes these dumb client stories as
collected from travel agents by Editor Nadine Godwin:
· A travel agent in Raleigh, N.C., said a woman asked about the weather in
Atlanta, even though she was going to New Orleans. She said she wanted to
know what clothes to take, since she had been told she had to change in
Atlanta.
· A man called and asked his travel agent to arrange for a rental car in
Dallas. When the agent noticed he had only a one-hour layover there, the
client said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive
between the gates to save time."
Definition of a boss: Someone who always comes in late when you're early,
and comes in early when you're late.
And the Final Millennium Award (1999 version) to all those companies that
sold us goods and services using hype from that event. Now, when the Year
2001 rolls around and the real Millennium starts, they can do it all over
again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 17:03:28 -0500
From: Wayne Wood <wayne@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Women <sexist, offensive to women>
Q. Why did God create woman?
A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow
Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.
Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.
Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match
the stove and refrigerator.
Q. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A. Nothing, she's been told twice already.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she
brings it
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it!
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q. What should you give a woman who has everything?
A. A man to show her how to work it.
Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike
A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and
sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q. Why is the space between a women's breasts and
her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of
tits in there.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits
went.
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Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 18:31:24 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: One for the Girls [suggestive]
There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde
teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed
to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified
to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been
fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
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Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 09:23:59 +0530
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Types Of Feminists - Part 1/2 <cleanish>
Does make interesting reading...
(by Lenore Levine)
I recently read the classification of feminism's different subsidiary
movements, which is part of soc.feminism's FAQ. I would like to submit my
own, instead.
1) Moonbeam Feminism. Utopian idealists have been involved in feminism
since the beginning. They do not believe in making any compromise with
current reality; instead, they believe that society can be made perfect,
and, hence, that individual women can be made perfect. The way to achieve
this perfection is to follow some set of rules exactly, and not to stray
outside it
Moonbeam Feminists love to tell women what to do. As a matter of fact,
Moonbeam Feminism can be delineated in the following manner: Make a list of
your favorite wholesome pleasures, and you can find some Moonbeam Feminist
to speak out against them. (As a matter of fact I tried this, and achieved
success with every activity except swimming. Takers, anyone? Are you sure
my love of the pool isn't politically immature?)
This school of thought was founded in the 70's by female separatists, who
told women to give up having sex with men. I even knew a woman, at the
time, who complained about the filthy toms trying to sexually assault her
cat! (Meanwhile said animal was trying to climb up the chimney to get at
these toms.)
The torch of Moonbeam Feminism has been passed, in the 90's, to
soc.feminism's more aggressive male posters. These self-appointed
ideologues seem awfully eager to tell women to give up marriage and other
monogamous relationships. And, sometimes, of course, to offer themselves as
the person to give up monogamy with. Are you surprised?
2) Co-Opted Feminism. While Moonbeam Feminists ignore reality, Co-Opted
Feminists let it impose on them. This movement was started in the late 70's
by the old new Ms., and its imitators (Working Woman and the like). They
told us we should do whatever it takes to succeed in the boardroom, even if
it means wearing panty hose that bind and high heels that pinch, and
spending half an hour fixing our hair each morning.
Co-Opted Feminists never answer the following questions: 1) If women can
change reality enough to get jobs they never could have gotten thirty years
ago, can't they change it even further, in comfortable clothing? 2) Isn't
it more fun to hang out with four-year-olds than backstabbers in suits? 3)
How many of us really want to sell aluminum siding the rest of our lives?
That is, are men really happy doing this, either?
Co-Opted Feminists can, of course, give some good practical advice, which
is certainly ethical to follow. But if they only talk about how to get
along in a corrupt system, and not about how to change it, is this advice
feminism?
Co-Opted Feminism contains the following commercially oriented
subdivisions:
2a) Mary Kay Feminism. The idea that a woman can do anything she wants, as
long as she wears the right makeup.
2b) Jenny Craig Feminism. The idea that a woman can do anything she wants,
as long as she isn't fat.
2c) Carole Shaw Feminism. The idea that large women should learn to accept
their own bodies, and recognize their attractiveness and personal worth.
And, that this self-acceptance is shown by buying large quantities of
grooming products.
(To be concluded next issue)
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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