Digest for Tuesday, February 01, 2000

Topics of the day:

1. STUPID QUESTIONS get GREATE RePLies
2. Quotes/Observations
3. Whats Wrong With Me, Doc?!
4. Do you also have it?
5. Humor - Weird Business News #23 (1st of3)
6. Because...
7. Lending

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Date:    Tue, 1 Feb 2000 01:31:20 -0600
From:    RANEBOUXshesaid <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: STUPID QUESTIONS get GREATE RePLies

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan.
I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to
friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway?
You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under
my rear and asked the second most stupid question I've ever heard
"Are you reading that paper?"
I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, "Yes."
 "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the
whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to
know."
                  RANEBOUX
accept no other

  *^* http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ *^*^

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Date:    Tue, 1 Feb 2000 07:04:42 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Quotes/Observations

 "Don't lie, cheat, or steal; the government hates competition."

 "Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the
  age of 25."
           .....Mary Ann Tebedo (Republican member of the Colorado
                State Senate), remark on the Senate floor during the
                1995 session, quoted in the Denver Post, May 14, 1995

 "Christmas Sale of Methodist Women at West-Side Church"
                   ....Headline in the Springfield (Massachusetts) Daily
                       News

 "Health department says death certificates are to be ordered one week in
  advance of death."
                  ....From the Lancaster (Ohio) Eagle-Gazette

 How come professional athletes never ask to renegotiate their contracts
 for LESS money after they have a bad season?

 If the music's too loud you're too old.

 I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

 Sign at church: "Come early to get a back seat."

 One media personality asking another if they think there has been
 excessive coverage of the JFK tragedy is like asking one prostitute to
 evaluate the lifestyle of another prostitute.

 DARE to keep Cops off Donuts.

 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.
                                         ....Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)

 Synonym: A word you can use when you can't spell the other one.

 In years gone by people actually believed that foolish spending stopped
 when one ran out of money.

 The reason we can't take it with us is because it goes before we do.

 The older I get, the better I was.

 Ok, for the last time. Soccer will never be an American sport. If it was,
 there would be Monday Night Soccer on TV. Make the field smaller, the
 scoring higher, and the game shorter, then we'll talk.

 I love my country. It's the government that pisses me off.

 I can hold my own. But I'd rather hold yours.

 A lady is a woman who makes it easy for a man to be a gentleman.

 People fear Hillary for much the same reasons they fear rattlesnakes and
 rabid dogs. You never know what they will do next but you do know they
 are dangerous.

 Exactly what does a "hoochie mama" look like?

 Tell me: when did voyeurism, invasion of privacy and lack of sensitivity
 become synonymous with journalism?

 All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.

 Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?

 Memo to CNN: "Breaking News" should be NEW information, not more of the
               same old stuff you've been telling us all day.

 Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

 BUMPER STICKER - My Wife's other car is a broom!

 Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

 When the media does it, it's called "news coverage." When an individual
 does it, it's called "stalking."

 Soccer will always be America's future sport -- but never the sport of
 the present.

 Why is it that when I work three hours past quitting time, the only thing
 my boss can think to say is "why were you 10 minutes late this morning?"

 "If I ever make it on Wheel of Fortune, I'm sneakin' in my own vowels
  under my jacket. No way I'm gonna pay $250, especially for a 'U'."

 Some tortures are physical and some are mental but the one that's both
 is dental.
          ....Ogden Nash

 "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."

 I don't want to complain about the workmanship on the new homes of today,
 but my son just bought a new house. He said opportunity knocked the other
 day and did $176 worth of damage to his door.

 I remember when we moved in our new house. It came with just about
 everything you could think of built-in. It was the first time my wife
 ever had a microwave. We ate our first Thanksgiving dinner at 7:30 in the
 morning.

 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
 beach.

 Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much
 fraternizing with the enemy.

 A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time, his eyes
 focus well enough to see you clearly.

 Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

 Don't worry about the world ending today...it's already tomorrow in
 Australia.

 Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

 Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
 forgotten this.

 A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks
 back.

 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

 The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't
 ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh
 at it, it's probably deserved.

 Honk if you love peace and quiet.

 His last will and testament completed, the old gentleman was slowly
 dying. He assured his son that all his wealth and property would soon
 pass to him. The Yuppie son wept and said, "Dad! Dad! I can't tell you
 how very grateful I am. Is there anything, anything at all I can do?" The
 old man looked him straight in the eye and said, "Well, you could remove
 your foot from my oxygen hose for starters.

 And Moses looked upon the Lord and said: "We are your chosen people and
 you want us to cut the tips off our WHAT?!"

 Ackroyd-ish: In Manatea County, Fla., it is now illegal for women to
 expose more than 75 percent of their breasts in public. Is that fair? I
 mean, why is it a woman exposes 75 percent of her breasts on the beach,
 she gets arrested and threatened with a fine and imprisonment. But the
 cable guy comes to your house, bends over your TV and exposes 100 percent
 of his ass, nobody cares!?
                          ....Steve Voldseth

 On the Campaign Trail: Lamar Alexander is running for president. "You
 know, nice man. Doesn't have the best campaign slogan, though. 'Lamar,
 the other white guy.'"   .....Jay Leno)

 On the Outs: Actor Tom Arnold and his wife are divorcing after 3 1/2
 years of marriage. "Gee, I didn't see that coming."
                                                  ....Chris Pina

 Will Work For Sunscreen: Hawaii's Governor Cayetano wants "Baywatch" to
 reconsider its planned move to Austrailia, citing a statewide shortage
 of bikini-clad model/actresses.
                               ....Bannon

 Higher Education: The University of Georgia has instituted a program that
 encourages students to turn in other students they see cheating. The
 university will now be the first in the nation to offer a Bachelor of
 Fine Squealer degree. They are even thinking of renaming the college and
 calling it Linda Tripp U.
                         ....Bill Williams

 Doggie Do Do: A Canadian company has announced plans to open a summer day
 camp for dogs. I've been sending my dog to a summer day camp for years.
 It's called my neighbor's front lawn.
                                     ....Voldseth

 Car Show: A company in Vienna, Austria, is now offering a
 brothel-in-a-limousine service. For $250 an hour, you get a chauffeur,
 all the alcohol you can drink, and a woman who will do anything you want.
 We've had that in this country for years, haven't we? I think it's called
 prom night.
           ....Voldseth

 Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

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Date:    Tue, 1 Feb 2000 08:24:47 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: What's Wrong With Me, Doc?! <adult, off. to T.O.P.>

The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "The
old perfesser's in the waiting room asking to see you again. This
time he claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
        --------------------------------------
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had
saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him
into his office.
"Well, perfesser, your records and your heroic behavior indicate
that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved
later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill hisself," the old perfesser replied. "I hung him up
to dry."
        --------------------------------------
The old perfesser to the doctor:
"Do you think that I gave my wife the yeast infection?  Because a
couple of days ago, I drank a few beers and then had sex with her."
        --------------------------------------
MrsPerfesser was in the gynecological stirrups, and her doctor was
in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said
brusquely, "Look, madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would you
please stop squeezing my hand?"
        --------------------------------------
From the "Valdostan Guide To Perfessers:
     Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head
     Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease
        --------------------------------------
The old perfesser was adamant.
"Doc, I need a liver transplant,  a kidney transplant, a heart transplant,
a cornea transplant,  a spleen transplant, a pancreas transplant. . ."
"What makes you think you need all these?" asked his doctor.
"Well," replied the old perfesser, "the Dean said if I wanted to keep
my job I needed to get reorganized."
        --------------------------------------
The old perfesser had a physical.  It had been a while since his last
check-up, ten years in fact.
He remembers now why he doesn't like them.  It's that part where the
doctor puts on the rubber gloves for the rectal exam.
Afterwards, the old perfesser said, "Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like
hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers," the doctor answered matter of factly.
"Whatever  for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
        --------------------------------------
The old perfesser doddered into the doctor's office with a serious
complaint.
"Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive."
"Come on now, perfesser," the doctor said, "your sex drive's all
in your head."
"That's what I mean, Doc... you've got to lower it a little!!"
        --------------------------------------
The old perfesser goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Well, perfesser, what seems to be the problem?"
The old perfesser says, "I don't know Doc. Every day I look in the
mirror when I get up and I just look so bad! Then I drink some coffee
and check again and I still look bad. But I don't know what's wrong
with me, cause even though I look bad, I *feel* good."
The doctor pulls out his big diagnostic book and starts flipping through it.
"Hmmm," he says reading, "looks good feels good - no, that's not you. . .
looks bad feels bad - no that's not you either . . .looks good feels bad -
nope. Oh, here it is: Looks bad feels good. . . well I'll be damned,
perfesser! You're a pussy!"
        --------------------------------------
Rotunda said to MrsPerfesser, "I can't understand why you haven't gone
to see that new gynecologist yet!  I mean he's so young and handsome!
And your gynecologist is so old!"
MrsPerfesser replied with a smile, "Yeah, I know.  His hands shake all
the time!"
        --------------------------------------
The old perfesser had to go see an Internist recently, and naturally
the first thing the receptionist did was take a medical history. Her first
question...?
  "Do you pay your bills on time?"

****************************
My doctor finally found out what I had... and took every penny of it.
     -- The Old Perfesser

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Date:    Tue, 1 Feb 2000 10:14:30 -0500
From:    Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Do you also have it?

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated
young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you
knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives
up her the seat to the old lady.

It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The
woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that
fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I
want to get off here."

The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the
middle of the block.

With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I
have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over
and opens the door to let her out.

As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

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Date:    Tue, 1 Feb 2000 11:42:09 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #23 (1st of3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 February has an extra day this year. Just an additional day for businesses
to commit various acts of madness in their quest for a buck.

 Yep, you guessed it. It's time for another round of Weird Business News.

 Our Best Indoor Fishing Tournament Award this time goes to Fantasy Bass
Challenge of Sherman. The company announced the online fishing season
officially has opened. Love to wet a line but hate to get wet? Just go to
www.fbc2000.com. No expensive gear or boat. Pay $9.99 for each individual
tournament or $39.99 for the complete seven-tournament tour. And you never
have to clean the fish.

 The New Frontiers in Spelling Award to Ford Motor Co. for its new electric
vehicle. Its name? Th!nk. Who knows, next year Ford might come out with an
amphibian model capable or driving on land or water. It would, of course,
have to be named Thw!m.

 Best T-Shirt slogan. The one spotted on the back of a man's shirt that
read, "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Wed, 2 Feb 2000 09:26:14 +0530
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Because...<clean, classic>

A Public Service message for Women, to better understand the Male animal.

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these
things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"Cumin" or "Tofu" or "Cardamom." For all I know these are all the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on
taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete
stranger I mean, how could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your Mother, or have your Mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need
to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen
or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time
about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same
day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave.
Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in
the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the
cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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Date:    Tue, 1 Feb 2000 21:41:46 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Lending

LENDING

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other.
Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to
his son.  Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited,
"You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get
it back."

With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder.  It's my
dad's."

Darrell R. Baskett in Reader's Digest

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